Into the Darkness

    

"Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up"

James 4:10

     I have had a half written blog post sitting here for about a week. It was the result of the feeling of disconnect I get when I see that 77% of Americans call themselves Christians and my judgment that our country is not moving in the direction of  humble servanthood and agape love. I don't believe our words and actions are in sync as a nation. I tried a thousand ways to try to make that blog sound not judgmental, but I couldn't because it was. And, of course, I followed the classically ironic route of judging myself for being judgy. If truly I looked at the world thru eyes of love perhaps I would not get so agitated at the divisions in our country, is what I told myself. Where is the line between judgment and discernment is the question I tried to answer. But I wasn't quite successful because I was too busy being caught in judgment. Remember I wrote years ago in the beginning of this blog that I would have more questions than answers? Over the years the questions have grown and the  answers are few and far between!

     But what I do know is that in my meditation practice I often encounter challenging emotions that at one time I may have called "dark". A little anger arises and then a case of the "I Shoulds" rains down on me and, of course, judgment. But through some miraculous scenario this morning I was able to remain a compassionate and curious witness to these emotions. Comforting emotions are lovely, but it is these darknesses that arise that wear the face of Teacher. And staying with it I found underneath my anger a desire for love and underneath my case of "I should" a deep desire to have a meaningful life. And so it is that I look at the judgment I feel around our country and I discover a desire for community. That is all. I did not need an entire blog to rant about the United States going to hell in a handbasket. What I needed was to not push away the fear and not aggrandize the fear, but to sit with it compassionately. What I needed was to remember that in the black heart of a lump of coal is a diamond waiting to reflect the light. At the heart of my sadness and judgment lays a deep love of country and community. We can be a great nation.

     What is it that you are judging about yourself today? What characteristic do you loath in you? These shadows are rich and fertile ground for growth. When you feel an emotion that you would rather not, ask yourself: where is it in your body? What thought forms accompany your darker emotions? I know it is tempting to avoid them, to have a martini, to binge watch Netflix, I know it is tempting to suppress them, deny them, ignore them but what we resist truly does persist. And a great deal of life's lessons come cloaked in darkness. Can you just sit with your darkness as a curious witness? I feel like a cliché blogging about exploring our shadow sides. I know many far advanced of myself have journeyed through these "dark night of the soul" scenarios and emerged on the other side. Hell, Disney has even told this story in "Beauty and the Beast" But in this moment it just feels so true to me that at the root of all our negativities and insecurities lies a rich river of love. We just have to keep digging, keep looking with eyes of love at the depths of our soul and these living waters will bubble up.  So, yes I may discern properly that lots of fearful people are not acting in accord with their professed religion, this is not contained in Christianity but rather in humanity. So, instead of judging them (and myself) I just feel into the soft space in my heart that desires community and connection. I also feel into the space in me that is filled with the love of Christ. To me, being a Christian means following Jesus and he did truly model love for us. Love for ourselves, for our neighbors, for our country, for the world and for our God. So it was a loving act to delete my ranty blog post, but it is also a loving act to challenge you and me to line up our lives with truth.

     The trendy "what would Jesus do" bracelets a few years ago kinda annoyed me but really the question is so huge. I don't believe Jesus would do anything other than cultivate love when he was confronted by racism, homophobia, angry hopeless protests, partisianism, income inequality, the knee jerk self righteousness in which many of us hold our beliefs. So what does "cultivate love" even mean? Perhaps it is simply releasing fear,  the fear of our dark sides, fear of people who are different, fear of really questioning our beliefs. All fear is contraction, our worlds get smaller, our bodies get tighter when we operate out of fear. None of us like to think of ourselves as fundamentalists, but watch how you react when someone questions or challenges your beliefs. Where do these beliefs come from? Are they based in love? If we are humble enough to truly question our beliefs then we become fertile ground in which love can bloom, but if we clench our beliefs tightly with unseeing eyes and unhearing ears we only become hard and stony ground. Isn't it about time you bloomed? Let the sunlight of loving awareness into the dark corners of your soul and be brave and at your core you will find that your essential nature is love.  Let your shadows point you to the light and bloom dear ones. It is time.

Who's in Charge Here?

"There is a perfect rout of characters in every man - and every man is like an actors trunk full of strange creatures, new & old. But an actor and his trunk are two different things"

Wallace Stevens: A mythology of Self

 

     There is a character inside my head I like to call Ms. Dread Ahead. She visited me again last night as I surveyed the mess in the kitchen and thought not only of cleaning it up, but of the work I had to do the next day and my homework and, and, and .... my never ending responsibilities descended like a heavy woolen cloak shutting out all the light and casting me into darkness. But here's the thing, Ms. Dread Ahead and I have danced this dance before and I have begun to recognize her puppet master: The Victim. The Victim sets up scenarios where all I can see is my foot in a trap and sometimes I forget it is I who put my foot in that "trap" and I alone have the power to take it out. We all have so much on our plates these days, but sometimes it's hard to remember that we piled it all on our plates ourselves. Instead we stare at the plate in despair and wonder how were going to eat all we served ourselves. Remember this though: all you have to do today is breath and drink a little water. THAT IS ALL. But but, what about picking my kids up from school? What about feeding my family, what about .... Yea, I hear the objections. But I still maintain all you have to do today is breath and stay hydrated. you can send someone else for the kids, or keep them out of school, or home school them, or not have them to start with. The thing is know that it is you who piled up your plate.

     So, taking ownership of our choices and our lives is a good start. But once you realize you have orchestrated your life to have all of your particular challenges in it you still have to either take action or face consequences. How you take action is everything. If you are doing your dishes with resentment you are enforcing a victim mentality that slowly saps your power and energy. I chose to own a home, I chose to have a kitchen in it, I chose to cook dinner and I choose to do the dishes.  But that's not the end, I had to choose to do the dishes with presence and gratitude or invite The Victim along for my sudsy ride. One would bring pleasure and softness into my moment the other choice would disconnect me from joy. It seems a fairly obvious choice, doesn't it? So why do so many of us choose to be The Victim so often? perhaps because The Victim is not the deepest layer in this story. Underlying The Victim is fear: Fear of Shame, Shame of Fear, this is not a cycle that leads towards Love.

     What does it mean that we truly are the authors of our lives and yet the stories are often such a mess and this mess brings shame and fear? What it may mean for you is your journey to discover, but I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean your incompetent or deficient. It doesn't mean you are shameful or less than. it doesn't mean your bad or unlovable. It means you're a human who has made a mess in the kitchen and you either clean it up or you don't. It doesn't mean you have to dance with Ms. Dread Ahead or let The Victim into your house. It doesn't mean that fear is going to swallow you whole. It means that this mess is the mess that can move you towards Love. it means you recognized you weren't being present and that wonderful recognition can either lead towards light or darkness. But whichever path you chose, remember it truly is your choice!

     Which of the cast of characters in your head is along for the ride today? How about finding your Inner Guru, your Wise Woman, your Highest Self (Namaste) and letting them ride along on your adventures today? And the next time Ms. Dread Ahead or The Victim pops their head up, give them a hug, but say no thank you and send them on their way. Not acknowledging that we all have a cast of characters in our psyches can lead to disassociation and numbness and letting some of the less mature characters lead us around can lead to stunted psychoemotional and spiritual growth. But the awesome news is everyone of us, yes everyone, has a super kind, super smart, super present character in us, our Highest Self, our Compassionate Witness. This character pops up when we take loving responsibility for our circumstances,. Or maybe it's just time to wash the dishes with a heart full of gratitude. Either way, it's your choice. Are you gonna let your Highest Self drive today because where you end up might just surpass your wildest imagination? You may think you need a retreat or a fast to grow, but really you just need to do the dishes!

Joy: The Sequel

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, For there is nothing better for a person under the sun to eat and drink and be glad"

Ecclesiastes 8:15

     Yes, I used the same scripture as a blog heading just a few days ago. Apparently I am not done with this topic! I have been meditating on this scripture for awhile and also remembering that "The Joy of the Lord is our strength". It's amazing to me that joy makes us stronger. But here's the truth of the situation. I really wrote that last blog as a kind of cathartic exercise to try to get rid of some angst I had been feeling about someone else's complete lack of joy. Ironic at the very least, also pretty judgmental and a little prideful of me to try to will another person to be joyful. There is an older woman I have been working with  meddling in her life that I care about a lot who unfortunately has a very dissatisfied worldview which results in a joyless demeanor. Her lack of joy has manifested into painful physical symptoms that limit her ability to move and further decrease her joy, a downward spiral that I cannot stop no matter how many blog posts I write about it. Another irony is that I am 99% sure she doesn't read my blog anyways. So, my best "yoga therapy: has not shifted this womans demeanor, My best attempt at encouraging her to be joyful fell on stony ground. My blog didn't even reach her and in all of my attempts to shift and change this person I have suppressed my own joy.

     I guess I am a slow learner, or perhaps overly emotionally invested here but it took me awhile to remember that resistance is the cause of suffering and if I resist her suffering I only add my own suffering to hers. Perhaps it is her lot to suffer, perhaps she has played this role for so long it is a comfortable old shoe. Perhaps I am misperceiving her and she's really a female Walter Matthau reveling in being a grumpy old person. None of that matters. What matters is that I want to increase the joy in the world and resisting her suffering is not the way to do it. All lessons really do lead back to being in the present moment and accepting what is. 

      So, back to the Ecclesiates quote! There is nothing better under the sun than eating and drinking? We'll lets not forget the "be glad" part. A little bit of something delicious always makes me glad, a lot of it usually makes me ill. A cocktail or two drunk mindfully and joyfully indeed makes me glad. A cocktail or three drunk to escape always makes me sad. I do not think I am alone in this, less really is more.  So it is not just the eating and drinking that brings joy but the act of being present and mindful as we eat and drink. Stopping to say grace and really smell, taste & see our food. Preparing it with gratitude, remembering how fortunate we are to have food. Paying attention to the moment we are full and stopping  Before getting that martini shaker down really sitting still for a moment and examining if we are looking for an escape or perhaps just a little icing on the day. Anything we use to escape the present will stifle our joy and in turn weaken us.

     Whatever happens with this woman is not my responsibility. I can and will continue to work with her in a loving manner, I will endeavor to be present and nonjudgmental with her. I will not disengage just because I cannot "fix" her. I will remember that maybe she doesn't need fixing and even if she does it is ultimately each persons responsibility to "fix" themselves and offer themselves to God to refine. And,it is accepting this cranky old person for exactly who they are that opens the door to joy. If there is anyone in your life that you are trying to "fix" besides yourself you are stifling your joy. I may have to write a thousand more blogs on joy before its all said and done. But, you know there are some things worth fighting for and joy is right at the top of that list. Our spiritual growth is like a garden. we have to till the soil getting rid of obstacles and we have to plant seeds to see blooms. But without joy in the soil all we get are weeds, joy is our fertilizer, joy is our strength and joy is our inheritance. Joy to you today!

The Power of Joy

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, For there is nothing better for a person under the sun to eat and drink and be glad"

Ecclesiastes 8:15

     It is a common saying that we are happy not when we get what we want but when we want what we have. To find joy in this moment when perhaps your house needs painting or you feel a bit frumpy is an incredible act of courage and strength. Our society tells us to always strive for more and there is nothing wrong with stuff. But why do you want stuff? Do you want that new smart phone because you think it will make you happy? It won't. Now certainly there may be a short lived thrill from the acquiring of an object, but the only possibility for lasting joy is to just accept your life as it is, warts and all. Just as desire can be a path to suffering, letting go of certain desires can be the path to joy. Joy is not happiness, which is situational, but rather joy is a clear eyed present moment view of your life with an acceptance of all the parts of it. To accept that you will never be perfect can unleash torrents of joy. To find beauty in your physical flaws and find compassion for your emotional shortcomings will bring you joy. It is acceptance and not plastic surgery, presence and not presents that we need to obtain this deep abiding joy. But why is it so hard to be happy? Why does scripture say "the joy of the Lord is your strength?" Because joy is an act of courage, an act of a whole hearted person.

     We have more stuff in our culture than we need and yet we are a nation of unhappy victims and polarized blamers. Why? Well, there is a power in being a victim. When you are unhappy many times people will rush to rectify that unhappiness. When you are bemoaning your victimhood people will sympathize and perhaps pat your back or hug you. But the attention that misery brings for you is short lived and in the end you end up alone and contracted into fear. no one can stand to be around a constantly miserable person. And not only that but like attracts like, so if you are using misery for attention you will end up surrounded by miserable people. No one intentionally rejects joy, but sometimes people do choose misery for the short term relief it provides as others sympathize. But beware, this path is made of quicksand that slowly sucks you in until the capacity for joy is gone.

     On the other hand sometimes choosing joy and telling others you are happy or just simply letting them know you are ok in the short term can leave you temporarily alone as people see you are ok. When my husband gets home from work he always asks how my day was. If I choose the misery answer I will have his attention for awhile but it tapers of as he grows tired of whine. If I choose joy and say my day was great often he will wander off to tend to his own needs and I am temporarily alone. But in the long run joy always bring connection and misery always brings loneliness.
But here's the crux of the matter, Joy is not situational. A joyful person finds light wherever they are and a miserable person is not changed by a magical environment. It always astounded me how many long faces I saw in Disneyworld! Joy is not easy but it is a nonnegotiable part of our spiritual growth. We have to deliberately stop coveting and comparing, stop looking at the dark side of our lives and intentionally grow in gratitude and joy will bloom. You do not grow muscles without working out, you do not grow joyful without some work. you must choose joy, but you must choose it over and over and over. And perhaps after a long time of choosing joy it will become your default. This is a practice worth investing in, for truly there is nothing better under the sun than to simply enjoy our lives.

Getting Schooled

    

"The first responsibility of love is to listen"

Paul Tillich

     Can you imagine paying a big price for a higher education and then sitting in class and just not listening? Of course not! Now can you imagine that not only was the professor your teacher but every other student was planted in class to help you learn? What an amazing scenario! What a privilege to be surrounded by so many teachers. And how silly it would be to cover your ears and close your eyes to their lessons. Now, I am not pretending I know much about matters of eternity, but what if your life is this school and everyone who crosses your path is your teacher? What is the whole reason our sweet souls occupy these bodies is just to learn from our moments?
When we constant allow our minds to time travel wallowing in the past of planning the future it is as if we are sitting in the school of life with ear covered. I do not know what your lesson plan is but I do know that the lessons are in this moment in time. Scripture instructs us to "think about what is true". well, neuroscience has proven that everytime we access a memory we subtly change the memory until that seed of a true memory has completely shifted into merely a fantasy. So I think its indisputable that memories are not solid truths. And, of course, thoughts of the future are predictions, fantasies, hopes and dreams nothing inherently wrong with glimpsing ahead for a moment but when we get stuck in future thought "I will be happy when ..." we get stuck in lies. The starting point for a good solid soul education is living in truth and that truth will be found in your moment to moment experiences.

     Now imagine you have a course you absolutely dread, lets say trigonometry! And a class you absolutely love, maybe theatre. So you skip trigonometry and you hang out all the time in the theatre classroom you love.  Well, soon enough you will realize you have missed a lot of lifes most valuable lessons by avoiding your suffering (trigonometry) but also by holding on so tightly to theatre that you never left the classroom all of the sudden your joys have lost some of their sparkle. One of the main reasons people suffer is that we do anything to avoid suffering and everything to hold on to pleasure. But when we avoid suffering, the lessons we are meant to learn from it will always manifest one way or another. And often the harder we work to avoid suffering the more intense the lesson plan becomes. And holding onto pleasures is the quickest way to stifle them. Trying to hold onto your pleasures past their time is like holding a butterfly in your closed fist. Allowing the constant flow of pain and pleasure and even perhaps boredom in the present moment is how we advance to the next grade.

     So, what about those awesome student teachers we are surrounded with? If you paid a therapist to tell you where you were a little neurotic I'll bet you would listen and try to shift from that valuable advice. But everytime someone cuts us off in traffic, doesn't it uncover a little neurosis? Everytime your family uses a sharp finger to push your big fat buttons, isn't that a valuable time to self reflect?
I know its been said so many times, but every person who crosses your my path really is just a mirror reflecting back our goodness and our fears. But so often instead of heeding the lessons of these teachers we retreat to an empty classroom of blame or victimization. Everytime you hear yourself blaming someone for something just know you are wasting an opportinuty for growth.

     I had a big "aha moment" a few months ago listening to Princes "Doves Cry". In particular the lyric "Maybe you're just like your Mother, she's never satisfied" How often do we catch ourselves in a "grass is always greener" mentality? When I am alone I often want to go hang out with a friend and when I am surrounded by people I often long for solitude. I could list probably a couple thousand examples of this greener grass scenario and so could you. So, my intention is no matter what a moment brings, whether its a big belly laugh with another sweet soul, or a icky moment scrubbing my toilet that I will simply be satisfied. Every human will find themselves more pleased in certain circumstances and less in others. but what if we could come to the point where in every moment we are satisfied that what is happening is our lesson? What if we really paid attention without pushing away circumstances or trying to hold onto them? If you listen closely to your moments and let life flow you may find that your life is a spectacular song.

I Am Not Surprised

How abundant are the good things

that you have stored up for those who fear you

that you bestow in the sight of all

on those who take refuge in you

Psalm 31:19

     God did something pretty freaking miraculous yesterday and I am grateful and humbled and excited and refreshed, but I am not surprised. God is love and love is generous and over and over God lavishes love on those who rest in the Divine Mystery. So when someone I've known just a little over a month handed me a large check today I was a lot of things, but surprised is not one of them. Ok, so some backstory might be in order after a teaser like that!

      I have had Quiet for three years now and I am so grateful that it is growing at a slow but steady pace, but perhaps I should have been a better business woman and prepared for the landlord to go up $400 in rent. I anticipated the standard 3-5% annuals rent hike, but did not anticipate what was actually happening and this last lease renewal he priced me right out of the building. So I sent emails to two groups I'm in looking for leads on a subleaser or a new space and I posted the same request on FaceBook. I should have known better than to narrow down my choices to A and B when God has been working with me on that lesson. There is always a choice C sometimes and most times the choices are unlimited. I am absolutely humbled by the kindness of the people who reached out with encouraging words or offers to spread the word or help me find choice A or B. Sometimes at Quiet I feel kinda lonely but the sometimes invisible community is kind and loving and really filled my heart with humility with their gentle replies.

     Unbeknownst to me God had put it on the heart of one person that they needed to help me a few weeks before I sent out these requests.  So, this person shared that they spent days praying and didn't know what to do. This to me is as precious as gold and as sweet as honey. that a near stranger would lift up my efforts to God makes me beyond grateful. In scripture the Holy Spirit is called the Advocate who weaves together humanity. I didn't know what I needed and this person did not yet know what I needed but God did.

     Besides Quiet being priced out of my range I had also recently learned halfway through my yoga therapy training that to finish would be a lot of additional money, not a happy surprise and I was contemplating just giving that up as well even though I could feel the desire to continue burning in my heart. So I mentioned that I was excited. The check this stranger handed to me was enough to cover the rent increase for a year and put a deposit on the end of yoga therapy training. So, yes I am refreshed renewed and excited to continue learning, growing and serving.

     So, some way back story: over a decade  ago in the parking lot of an half abandoned strip center I found the pay envelope of an undocumented worker. At first finding an envelope with $1600 in it with no identification except a latin sounding first name made me pretty darn excited. I was young and that was bank! But I prayed before anything and God's still small voice whispered "This is not for you". So, in an amazing (but not surprising) adventure God lead me miles across town straight to this person. When I asked their name and why they were frantically searching their car I knew what I had to do and as I drove away they were standing there pay in hand jaw gaping. So, this time of course I prayed again. it is a big thing to take a lot of money from someone. Not in Gods universe, but in my head there were a few stumbling blocks. But this time the still small voice simply whispered "this is for you".

     I don't know what I can add to this amazing story. I want to cry from the gratitude that cannot be contained in this small human vessel. I want to jump up and down at finishing yoga therapy school. But mostly I just want to hold space at Quiet for one more year. I am a whirlwind of emotions this morning, but no surprise is not one of them. The same God who fills the fields with color in the spring and the sky every night with stars is the same God that loves you and I and this abundant amazing Divine Mystery longs to lavish love on us all. Sometimes the love is small, a glance of gratitude from someone, a doggie kiss and sometimes that lavish love is large. And this was one of those large lavish times.

In Too Me See

 

 

      I am a pretty confident writer and can whip out a blog pretty easily, but as I think about blogging on intimacy I just get lost. I have begun and erased this blog post multiple times. I am not talking about intimacy with another person, but rather self intimacy. The ability to look deep within ourselves without stories without judgment, just being with our deepest truths. Just being and that is all, sitting with our souls. A few months ago my mentor said casually that maybe I have a challenge with intimacy. Immediately, of course, my ego bristled all up at this. I am happily married and authentic with my spouse, we are best friends and healthily intimate. But she continued to explain that she meant intimacy with myself. Again, preposterous balderdash I hurumphed! I have two decades of spiritual self examination under my belt and a well established mediation practice. I get on my mat everyday to be with me. But as the topic of intimacy continues to flesh itself out, I am beginning to see how self examination and intimacy are not the same thing.

     Years ago I learned that the fastest way to solidify a behavior in my spouse was to try to change him. A soul wants to be seen not fixed, So I learned (and am learning) to just be with him. Like every other person alive he has shining moments and dark ones, but his journey is not for me to judge. And the more I sit with him without a need to fix, without a need to justify the more truly intimate we become. Unfortunately I cannot yet say the same for my relationship with myself. I am my own project to shape and shake until all the dark falls out! Thankfully I have learned the lesson that we need to examine our inner lives kindly and with compassion and therefore when a shadow side of me rears its ugly head once again I try to hug and love it rather than beat it down as I have in the past. This is definite progress. But also very subtly I continue to judge my shadowy behaviors as "bad" and my more socially acceptable behaviors as "good". But this is not intimacy, this is gazing inwardly with the intention to "fix". And this can be a bit of a self abusive habit. There comes a point where "self improvement" is just mean. One definition of intimacy is "the quality of being comfortable, warm and familiar with". This is not the end result of a  self improvement practice. Inner gaze for self improvement always tells us there is something not acceptable in us and this is neither comfortable nor warm!

     Another definition of intimacy is "a close association with or a detailed knowledge of a subject". Well, to get close and become knowledgeable about someone or thing we must observe it without an agenda of intent to change, but with intent to just know them;  turns out this is hard,  But to know oneself truly is nonnegotiable in this  spiritual growth game we play.  I have had more than one client lately tell me that they did not like to spend time alone. I think this is because instead of being intimate with our selves when we're alone we are examining with intent to "fix". well who wants to be alone with some one judging them?

     Can you sit with yourself and just be? Recently someone shared with me a list of ailments that have been plaguing them and then wailed "and no one has been able to fix me!". I didn't say it at the time but I want to thank this person for two valuable reminders, the first is that we all have to do our own work and part of this work is becoming truly self intimate. To heal ourselves we must know ourselves. And the second reminder of a true truth is that we are not broken. Wonderfully gloriously flawed perhaps, but not broken. When we view ourselves as broken we push away the soft inner part of us that needs to emerge and flourish. We cannot pound ourselves into awesomeness, we cannot force change, but rather we can sit quietly and lovingly intimate with ourselves and perhaps some shift towards Love will happen So, do you see yourself as a self improvement project, or do you just see yourself? These are the questions I am asking myself these days. Perhaps its time to put down that judges gavel no matter how well intentioned and just make a friend with our soft inner selves.

If the falling of a hoof

Ever rings the temple bells

If a lonely mans final scream

Before he hangs himself

And the nightingales' perfect lyric

of happiness

All become an equal cause to dance

then the Sun has at last parted

the curtain before you ~

God has stopped playing child's games

with your mind

and dragged you backstage

by the hair

Shown you the only possible reason

For this bizarre and spectacular

Existence

Go running through the streets

creating Divine chaos

Make everyone and yourself ecstatically mad

for the Friends beautiful open arms

Go running through the world

giving love, giving love

If the falling of a hoof upon this earth

ever rings the

temple bell

Hafiz