Joy: The Sequel

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, For there is nothing better for a person under the sun to eat and drink and be glad"

Ecclesiastes 8:15

     Yes, I used the same scripture as a blog heading just a few days ago. Apparently I am not done with this topic! I have been meditating on this scripture for awhile and also remembering that "The Joy of the Lord is our strength". It's amazing to me that joy makes us stronger. But here's the truth of the situation. I really wrote that last blog as a kind of cathartic exercise to try to get rid of some angst I had been feeling about someone else's complete lack of joy. Ironic at the very least, also pretty judgmental and a little prideful of me to try to will another person to be joyful. There is an older woman I have been working with  meddling in her life that I care about a lot who unfortunately has a very dissatisfied worldview which results in a joyless demeanor. Her lack of joy has manifested into painful physical symptoms that limit her ability to move and further decrease her joy, a downward spiral that I cannot stop no matter how many blog posts I write about it. Another irony is that I am 99% sure she doesn't read my blog anyways. So, my best "yoga therapy: has not shifted this womans demeanor, My best attempt at encouraging her to be joyful fell on stony ground. My blog didn't even reach her and in all of my attempts to shift and change this person I have suppressed my own joy.

     I guess I am a slow learner, or perhaps overly emotionally invested here but it took me awhile to remember that resistance is the cause of suffering and if I resist her suffering I only add my own suffering to hers. Perhaps it is her lot to suffer, perhaps she has played this role for so long it is a comfortable old shoe. Perhaps I am misperceiving her and she's really a female Walter Matthau reveling in being a grumpy old person. None of that matters. What matters is that I want to increase the joy in the world and resisting her suffering is not the way to do it. All lessons really do lead back to being in the present moment and accepting what is. 

      So, back to the Ecclesiates quote! There is nothing better under the sun than eating and drinking? We'll lets not forget the "be glad" part. A little bit of something delicious always makes me glad, a lot of it usually makes me ill. A cocktail or two drunk mindfully and joyfully indeed makes me glad. A cocktail or three drunk to escape always makes me sad. I do not think I am alone in this, less really is more.  So it is not just the eating and drinking that brings joy but the act of being present and mindful as we eat and drink. Stopping to say grace and really smell, taste & see our food. Preparing it with gratitude, remembering how fortunate we are to have food. Paying attention to the moment we are full and stopping  Before getting that martini shaker down really sitting still for a moment and examining if we are looking for an escape or perhaps just a little icing on the day. Anything we use to escape the present will stifle our joy and in turn weaken us.

     Whatever happens with this woman is not my responsibility. I can and will continue to work with her in a loving manner, I will endeavor to be present and nonjudgmental with her. I will not disengage just because I cannot "fix" her. I will remember that maybe she doesn't need fixing and even if she does it is ultimately each persons responsibility to "fix" themselves and offer themselves to God to refine. And,it is accepting this cranky old person for exactly who they are that opens the door to joy. If there is anyone in your life that you are trying to "fix" besides yourself you are stifling your joy. I may have to write a thousand more blogs on joy before its all said and done. But, you know there are some things worth fighting for and joy is right at the top of that list. Our spiritual growth is like a garden. we have to till the soil getting rid of obstacles and we have to plant seeds to see blooms. But without joy in the soil all we get are weeds, joy is our fertilizer, joy is our strength and joy is our inheritance. Joy to you today!

The Power of Joy

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, For there is nothing better for a person under the sun to eat and drink and be glad"

Ecclesiastes 8:15

     It is a common saying that we are happy not when we get what we want but when we want what we have. To find joy in this moment when perhaps your house needs painting or you feel a bit frumpy is an incredible act of courage and strength. Our society tells us to always strive for more and there is nothing wrong with stuff. But why do you want stuff? Do you want that new smart phone because you think it will make you happy? It won't. Now certainly there may be a short lived thrill from the acquiring of an object, but the only possibility for lasting joy is to just accept your life as it is, warts and all. Just as desire can be a path to suffering, letting go of certain desires can be the path to joy. Joy is not happiness, which is situational, but rather joy is a clear eyed present moment view of your life with an acceptance of all the parts of it. To accept that you will never be perfect can unleash torrents of joy. To find beauty in your physical flaws and find compassion for your emotional shortcomings will bring you joy. It is acceptance and not plastic surgery, presence and not presents that we need to obtain this deep abiding joy. But why is it so hard to be happy? Why does scripture say "the joy of the Lord is your strength?" Because joy is an act of courage, an act of a whole hearted person.

     We have more stuff in our culture than we need and yet we are a nation of unhappy victims and polarized blamers. Why? Well, there is a power in being a victim. When you are unhappy many times people will rush to rectify that unhappiness. When you are bemoaning your victimhood people will sympathize and perhaps pat your back or hug you. But the attention that misery brings for you is short lived and in the end you end up alone and contracted into fear. no one can stand to be around a constantly miserable person. And not only that but like attracts like, so if you are using misery for attention you will end up surrounded by miserable people. No one intentionally rejects joy, but sometimes people do choose misery for the short term relief it provides as others sympathize. But beware, this path is made of quicksand that slowly sucks you in until the capacity for joy is gone.

     On the other hand sometimes choosing joy and telling others you are happy or just simply letting them know you are ok in the short term can leave you temporarily alone as people see you are ok. When my husband gets home from work he always asks how my day was. If I choose the misery answer I will have his attention for awhile but it tapers of as he grows tired of whine. If I choose joy and say my day was great often he will wander off to tend to his own needs and I am temporarily alone. But in the long run joy always bring connection and misery always brings loneliness.
But here's the crux of the matter, Joy is not situational. A joyful person finds light wherever they are and a miserable person is not changed by a magical environment. It always astounded me how many long faces I saw in Disneyworld! Joy is not easy but it is a nonnegotiable part of our spiritual growth. We have to deliberately stop coveting and comparing, stop looking at the dark side of our lives and intentionally grow in gratitude and joy will bloom. You do not grow muscles without working out, you do not grow joyful without some work. you must choose joy, but you must choose it over and over and over. And perhaps after a long time of choosing joy it will become your default. This is a practice worth investing in, for truly there is nothing better under the sun than to simply enjoy our lives.

Getting Schooled

    

"The first responsibility of love is to listen"

Paul Tillich

     Can you imagine paying a big price for a higher education and then sitting in class and just not listening? Of course not! Now can you imagine that not only was the professor your teacher but every other student was planted in class to help you learn? What an amazing scenario! What a privilege to be surrounded by so many teachers. And how silly it would be to cover your ears and close your eyes to their lessons. Now, I am not pretending I know much about matters of eternity, but what if your life is this school and everyone who crosses your path is your teacher? What is the whole reason our sweet souls occupy these bodies is just to learn from our moments?
When we constant allow our minds to time travel wallowing in the past of planning the future it is as if we are sitting in the school of life with ear covered. I do not know what your lesson plan is but I do know that the lessons are in this moment in time. Scripture instructs us to "think about what is true". well, neuroscience has proven that everytime we access a memory we subtly change the memory until that seed of a true memory has completely shifted into merely a fantasy. So I think its indisputable that memories are not solid truths. And, of course, thoughts of the future are predictions, fantasies, hopes and dreams nothing inherently wrong with glimpsing ahead for a moment but when we get stuck in future thought "I will be happy when ..." we get stuck in lies. The starting point for a good solid soul education is living in truth and that truth will be found in your moment to moment experiences.

     Now imagine you have a course you absolutely dread, lets say trigonometry! And a class you absolutely love, maybe theatre. So you skip trigonometry and you hang out all the time in the theatre classroom you love.  Well, soon enough you will realize you have missed a lot of lifes most valuable lessons by avoiding your suffering (trigonometry) but also by holding on so tightly to theatre that you never left the classroom all of the sudden your joys have lost some of their sparkle. One of the main reasons people suffer is that we do anything to avoid suffering and everything to hold on to pleasure. But when we avoid suffering, the lessons we are meant to learn from it will always manifest one way or another. And often the harder we work to avoid suffering the more intense the lesson plan becomes. And holding onto pleasures is the quickest way to stifle them. Trying to hold onto your pleasures past their time is like holding a butterfly in your closed fist. Allowing the constant flow of pain and pleasure and even perhaps boredom in the present moment is how we advance to the next grade.

     So, what about those awesome student teachers we are surrounded with? If you paid a therapist to tell you where you were a little neurotic I'll bet you would listen and try to shift from that valuable advice. But everytime someone cuts us off in traffic, doesn't it uncover a little neurosis? Everytime your family uses a sharp finger to push your big fat buttons, isn't that a valuable time to self reflect?
I know its been said so many times, but every person who crosses your my path really is just a mirror reflecting back our goodness and our fears. But so often instead of heeding the lessons of these teachers we retreat to an empty classroom of blame or victimization. Everytime you hear yourself blaming someone for something just know you are wasting an opportinuty for growth.

     I had a big "aha moment" a few months ago listening to Princes "Doves Cry". In particular the lyric "Maybe you're just like your Mother, she's never satisfied" How often do we catch ourselves in a "grass is always greener" mentality? When I am alone I often want to go hang out with a friend and when I am surrounded by people I often long for solitude. I could list probably a couple thousand examples of this greener grass scenario and so could you. So, my intention is no matter what a moment brings, whether its a big belly laugh with another sweet soul, or a icky moment scrubbing my toilet that I will simply be satisfied. Every human will find themselves more pleased in certain circumstances and less in others. but what if we could come to the point where in every moment we are satisfied that what is happening is our lesson? What if we really paid attention without pushing away circumstances or trying to hold onto them? If you listen closely to your moments and let life flow you may find that your life is a spectacular song.

I Am Not Surprised

How abundant are the good things

that you have stored up for those who fear you

that you bestow in the sight of all

on those who take refuge in you

Psalm 31:19

     God did something pretty freaking miraculous yesterday and I am grateful and humbled and excited and refreshed, but I am not surprised. God is love and love is generous and over and over God lavishes love on those who rest in the Divine Mystery. So when someone I've known just a little over a month handed me a large check today I was a lot of things, but surprised is not one of them. Ok, so some backstory might be in order after a teaser like that!

      I have had Quiet for three years now and I am so grateful that it is growing at a slow but steady pace, but perhaps I should have been a better business woman and prepared for the landlord to go up $400 in rent. I anticipated the standard 3-5% annuals rent hike, but did not anticipate what was actually happening and this last lease renewal he priced me right out of the building. So I sent emails to two groups I'm in looking for leads on a subleaser or a new space and I posted the same request on FaceBook. I should have known better than to narrow down my choices to A and B when God has been working with me on that lesson. There is always a choice C sometimes and most times the choices are unlimited. I am absolutely humbled by the kindness of the people who reached out with encouraging words or offers to spread the word or help me find choice A or B. Sometimes at Quiet I feel kinda lonely but the sometimes invisible community is kind and loving and really filled my heart with humility with their gentle replies.

     Unbeknownst to me God had put it on the heart of one person that they needed to help me a few weeks before I sent out these requests.  So, this person shared that they spent days praying and didn't know what to do. This to me is as precious as gold and as sweet as honey. that a near stranger would lift up my efforts to God makes me beyond grateful. In scripture the Holy Spirit is called the Advocate who weaves together humanity. I didn't know what I needed and this person did not yet know what I needed but God did.

     Besides Quiet being priced out of my range I had also recently learned halfway through my yoga therapy training that to finish would be a lot of additional money, not a happy surprise and I was contemplating just giving that up as well even though I could feel the desire to continue burning in my heart. So I mentioned that I was excited. The check this stranger handed to me was enough to cover the rent increase for a year and put a deposit on the end of yoga therapy training. So, yes I am refreshed renewed and excited to continue learning, growing and serving.

     So, some way back story: over a decade  ago in the parking lot of an half abandoned strip center I found the pay envelope of an undocumented worker. At first finding an envelope with $1600 in it with no identification except a latin sounding first name made me pretty darn excited. I was young and that was bank! But I prayed before anything and God's still small voice whispered "This is not for you". So, in an amazing (but not surprising) adventure God lead me miles across town straight to this person. When I asked their name and why they were frantically searching their car I knew what I had to do and as I drove away they were standing there pay in hand jaw gaping. So, this time of course I prayed again. it is a big thing to take a lot of money from someone. Not in Gods universe, but in my head there were a few stumbling blocks. But this time the still small voice simply whispered "this is for you".

     I don't know what I can add to this amazing story. I want to cry from the gratitude that cannot be contained in this small human vessel. I want to jump up and down at finishing yoga therapy school. But mostly I just want to hold space at Quiet for one more year. I am a whirlwind of emotions this morning, but no surprise is not one of them. The same God who fills the fields with color in the spring and the sky every night with stars is the same God that loves you and I and this abundant amazing Divine Mystery longs to lavish love on us all. Sometimes the love is small, a glance of gratitude from someone, a doggie kiss and sometimes that lavish love is large. And this was one of those large lavish times.

In Too Me See

 

 

      I am a pretty confident writer and can whip out a blog pretty easily, but as I think about blogging on intimacy I just get lost. I have begun and erased this blog post multiple times. I am not talking about intimacy with another person, but rather self intimacy. The ability to look deep within ourselves without stories without judgment, just being with our deepest truths. Just being and that is all, sitting with our souls. A few months ago my mentor said casually that maybe I have a challenge with intimacy. Immediately, of course, my ego bristled all up at this. I am happily married and authentic with my spouse, we are best friends and healthily intimate. But she continued to explain that she meant intimacy with myself. Again, preposterous balderdash I hurumphed! I have two decades of spiritual self examination under my belt and a well established mediation practice. I get on my mat everyday to be with me. But as the topic of intimacy continues to flesh itself out, I am beginning to see how self examination and intimacy are not the same thing.

     Years ago I learned that the fastest way to solidify a behavior in my spouse was to try to change him. A soul wants to be seen not fixed, So I learned (and am learning) to just be with him. Like every other person alive he has shining moments and dark ones, but his journey is not for me to judge. And the more I sit with him without a need to fix, without a need to justify the more truly intimate we become. Unfortunately I cannot yet say the same for my relationship with myself. I am my own project to shape and shake until all the dark falls out! Thankfully I have learned the lesson that we need to examine our inner lives kindly and with compassion and therefore when a shadow side of me rears its ugly head once again I try to hug and love it rather than beat it down as I have in the past. This is definite progress. But also very subtly I continue to judge my shadowy behaviors as "bad" and my more socially acceptable behaviors as "good". But this is not intimacy, this is gazing inwardly with the intention to "fix". And this can be a bit of a self abusive habit. There comes a point where "self improvement" is just mean. One definition of intimacy is "the quality of being comfortable, warm and familiar with". This is not the end result of a  self improvement practice. Inner gaze for self improvement always tells us there is something not acceptable in us and this is neither comfortable nor warm!

     Another definition of intimacy is "a close association with or a detailed knowledge of a subject". Well, to get close and become knowledgeable about someone or thing we must observe it without an agenda of intent to change, but with intent to just know them;  turns out this is hard,  But to know oneself truly is nonnegotiable in this  spiritual growth game we play.  I have had more than one client lately tell me that they did not like to spend time alone. I think this is because instead of being intimate with our selves when we're alone we are examining with intent to "fix". well who wants to be alone with some one judging them?

     Can you sit with yourself and just be? Recently someone shared with me a list of ailments that have been plaguing them and then wailed "and no one has been able to fix me!". I didn't say it at the time but I want to thank this person for two valuable reminders, the first is that we all have to do our own work and part of this work is becoming truly self intimate. To heal ourselves we must know ourselves. And the second reminder of a true truth is that we are not broken. Wonderfully gloriously flawed perhaps, but not broken. When we view ourselves as broken we push away the soft inner part of us that needs to emerge and flourish. We cannot pound ourselves into awesomeness, we cannot force change, but rather we can sit quietly and lovingly intimate with ourselves and perhaps some shift towards Love will happen So, do you see yourself as a self improvement project, or do you just see yourself? These are the questions I am asking myself these days. Perhaps its time to put down that judges gavel no matter how well intentioned and just make a friend with our soft inner selves.

If the falling of a hoof

Ever rings the temple bells

If a lonely mans final scream

Before he hangs himself

And the nightingales' perfect lyric

of happiness

All become an equal cause to dance

then the Sun has at last parted

the curtain before you ~

God has stopped playing child's games

with your mind

and dragged you backstage

by the hair

Shown you the only possible reason

For this bizarre and spectacular

Existence

Go running through the streets

creating Divine chaos

Make everyone and yourself ecstatically mad

for the Friends beautiful open arms

Go running through the world

giving love, giving love

If the falling of a hoof upon this earth

ever rings the

temple bell

Hafiz

Waves: Expansion Contraction and all that Is

"Peter left the boat and walked on the water to Jesus. But when Peter saw the wind and the waves he became afraid and began to sink ..."

Matt 14:29

 
       This morning my seated meditation practice was simple, oh so simple. On the inhale as I witnessed the expansion of my body I simply applied the mantra "expand" and on the exhale as I sunk back into my flesh the mantra "contract" was my anchor. And so it went, I would inhale expand into my heart and feel my hearts energy begin to slip beyond the boundaries of flesh, I would contract feeling the power of my belly. So much power in the belly that it would burst upward into my mouth relaxing the jaw and perhaps increasing my potential for lovely words. The breath became a rhythmic wave both shooting me beyond my body and anchoring me firmly back in the body. my breath reminding me that there are only two places we can find God: inside of ourselves and outside of ourselves. And we must explore both. Indeed the "kingdom of God is within us". But to remain centered in our internal experience can be a breeding ground for narcissism and delusion. And indeed paradoxically we "find" God by developing a servants heart and that heart can only grow in relationship to serving others. But again if we remain others centered we can quickly become depleted and have nothing to give. We must take refuge inside ourselves.  And so we breath and we ride the wave of breath. And we go in and find that indeed the Spirit of God is in our hearts and our bellies and our toes and our fingers. And we go out and we find the eyes of God in every face we see. Sometimes the faces shine back brightly gladdening our hearts and sometimes the glances sting and hurt our hearts, but we mustn't stop looking. The human soul does not want to fixed it wants to be seen. Can you see the Divine in your neighbor? If you cant see Divinity in yourself it will be harder to see in others. And so we go back inside again and again.

     My seated practiced was sandwiched with the reading in Matthew about Peter walking on the waves. At first with eyes on Jesus he did the seemingly impossible, but quickly he turned his eyes to the waves and began to sink. A relational metaphor I adore is that God is an ocean and we are a wave. To be "closer" to God we must simply relax into the ocean. However there are waves that are smooth and rhythmic and lull us into this relaxation and choppy fast waves that crest into anxiety and separation and duality. These dangerous waves tend to take shape in our minds. We cannot help which thoughts arise but we very much can help which thoughts we surf. Allowing thoughts of the future to swell in our minds takes us away from the internal wave of respiration and spirit and into the dark waters. And so again and again we must return to the breath and perhaps a mantra. Each journey is unique but a unifying factor is that a mind running amuck makes for rough seas filled with dangerous hooks. Present moment mindfulness and compassion make for smoother seas and surfable waves.

     The longer I investigate spirituality the simpler it becomes. Religion is a great place to start, but beware lest you stop there. Religion is exclusive, Jesus is inclusive. We all ultimately share the same breath. The exhale of the Buddha will become your inhale. The sigh of Christ will become your gasp. And so we breath. And on the inhale perhaps you feel the expansion of your heart and mind. perhaps you take a moment to go beyond your self and remember that you are not the center of the Universe. And on the exhale you settle back into your self and realize you are indeed home. And we keep riding the wave of breath so the tsunami of life doesn't wash us away. Peace to you on the journey.

The Human Equation

     It is perhaps simplistic to break the human experience down to a neat three part equation of body, mind and spirit. We are, in truth, infinitely layered and complex. I have always been drawn to trios however and looking at "the human animal" thru a three part lens has served me best. Any one of these parts could be a lifetimes study of their own. After over two decades of working with peoples physical bodies I have picked up a lot about how form and function move us through the dance of life
On one level the body is pretty simply composed of flesh and bone and seems like a pretty manageable topic. On another level we are more empty space than not, we have not one straight line to be found anywhere in any part of our structure. We are a magical swirling whirling river of life in which the only truth to be found is constant change. This I can live with.
    
     The second part of my human equation, the mind,  is similarly dual in being simple and simultaneously complex. Simple are the thoughts that pop into our head stealing most of our moments by projecting us into the past or future. I say simple because on this level our thoughts are automatic and just a function of out neural pathways and electricity. Even the new trendy field of neuroplasticity is pretty graspable if you understand the more you use a pathway the stronger it gets and that a combination of being watchful of your brain and interrupting old patterns and using repetition to sow new patters transforms the actual physical structure of our brain along with our thoughts. Pretty awesome, huh? Keep in mind simple and easy are not synonymous. Because up to this point I have really been discussing the brain. but what about the "mind" the thinker, the consciousness? Yes, that topic I can only stammer in awe and hope to one day begin to begin to begin to grasp.  The brain though, again with the river, our brain is like a system of interconnected waterways that get dredged and shifted by our thoughts both intentional and automatic. This I can work with.

     The third part of our equation is to me the richest and deepest river of all. Our spirit is that deepest part of us which is always reaching for the sunlight, for growth and connection. Regardless of beliefs about the Divine Mystery we all have spirits that need nurturing and tending. I have never addressed this part of myself as anything but a theist and from a very young age I had a strong sense of being surrounded by a loving energy and for this I am eternally and profoundly grateful. But for spiritual seekers who are atheist this does not change the need for spiritual nourishment. We can ignore no part of our self. I was raised  without religion to a Jewish Mother and a Father from an Episcopal background and while I know that raising a child with tradition and reverence can be an amazing gift my gift was that I had to forge my own way. I had to decide not only what to believe but who to believe and how to believe and it is an ongoing and joyful exploration in which I have felt myself residing in a river of love for sometime now. And while I am a strong theist paradoxically I also do not believe that you need to be a theist to swim in this Divine river of spirit. Here is what my explorations have uncovered. Our two root human emotions of love and fear seem to be the drivers of our spirit. The first, love, manifests in expansion, inclusion, softening and relaxing. The second, fear, manifests in tightening boundary, exclusion, clenching and hardening. These are of course hardly complete lists of the manifestations of fear and love, but you get the idea. So to feed my spirit I watch my body and mind for expansion or contraction. When I find my mind closing and my jaw clenching I know I have strayed from my optimum path. Now as a theist I do think the ultimate goal of spiritual growth is the merge my small spirit with the Bigger One. But, for an atheist perhaps nature or music or the present moment works for you. The point is to get beyond ourselves into loving service of Something Bigger.

     Almost thirty years ago as an idea of Divinity took root in my psyche the closest image I could conjure up of Divinity was God as a river. These decades of exploration have shaped and molded and shifted my ideas about God but to this day I can come up with no better analogy than a river. Our fluid flexible bodies and our shape shifting brains dancing in the currents of a Mighty River as we float or struggle side by side. our nature is both quite simple and again complexly ineffable, but this I believe.The more we gracefully float and the less we fight the currents the further along the river we go.  It has been said that the man who wishes to understand the universe must be in equal parts, scientist, philosopher and theologian. And perhaps this is true, or maybe what we really need to do to remove the veils of ignorance is just go sit by a river.