My Christmas Letter

                                                                                                                                        Christmas 2015

Dearest Loved Ones,

     I hope this season is bright for you and filled with light and if it’s not then I hope it’s filed with self compassion in the darkness. Whether through joy or challenge I hope you are becoming your very best self and growing in love. Like all of you, Tim and I have had high moments and moments when we really needed to exhale, but overall it has been a fruitful year. We have no kids to brag on, our pets escapades have been pretty tame (except for getting some crazy chickens!)  and there are no major accomplishments to shout from the rooftops except taking a teenager to Italy for two weeks and not losing her! I know you parents aren’t too impressed with that accomplishment though! So, instead I’m going to use this letter to unpack my mission statement.  I recently wrote a condensed mission statement with just three words: abundance, health and love and it contains the gifts I wish for you.

Abundance

    My idea of abundance really has nothing much to do with financial or material gain.  Abundance is rich and complex when broken down. One component is to drop a competitive mindset around resources.  I learned to drop the mindset examining my envy at all the yoga party posts with big crowds on FaceBook as I worked away in obscurity growing my little studio. When we envy, we are subtly telling ourselves there’s not enough to go around, that we are missing something, and that we are in lack instead of abundance. When we disallow a competitive mindset our joy increases when others prosper. When we drop this mindset perhaps even we drop the “us and them” mindset that causes so much global strife. Abundance knows that in the moment we have all we need.  My abundance is sitting in the yard watching the sweet dog who is watching the grouchy cat who is watching the crazy chickens run /flap into the bush full of yellow flowers.  Abundance comes from being present and knowing all is well.

    

Health

   We all mostly do the best we can for our health, but of course wellness and illness visits every living soul. So when I think of orienting my choices toward health, I think of orienting towards choosing to be happy.  Choosing happiness bolsters us in all circumstances. As a species we have barely scratched the surface of the body mind connection; it is sacred and it is powerful and choosing to be happy in whatever the present moment offers eventfully leads to a deeper inner pool of inherent joy and leads to a healthier body! Happiness is the beautiful face of courage. Here’s to your healthy New Year!

Love.

  Just one little word powerful enough to ignite wars.  How many would die for love? We can all define elements of love and if you can’t then revisit I Corinthians 13 (love is patient, love is kind…) or ponder this  “The best and surest way you may know God is when selfless love fills your heart and there is a strong compelling urge to help someone, to heal their ills, to relieve their suffering, to bring them happiness …” Joseph Benner.

     I think love boils down to helping others and setting yourself aside. But we don’t “set ourselves aside” or stop always prioritizing our own opinions just for kicks. We do it to notice other people and their needs, we do it for connection. Maybe a smile is all it takes to plant a seed of love. Because when you plant a seed of love you are enriched yourself.

     This year I am having a hard time sticking to my rule of a one page letter. My thoughts are abundant, my heart is happy and when I think of you all I am filled with love. So if you have made it to page two I would like to congratulate you that your technology has not completely annihilated your attention span!

     I hope that in 2016 you take time to slow down and feel your abundance, that whatever it is that will make you healthier is a major component in your life and that you love yourself and humanity just a little more every day . Tim and I are so grateful for you all.

With much love and wishes for your bright holiday,

 Tim and Signe

All Good Things

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him

Romans 8:28

  One of my favorite teachers, Ram Dass says "its all fodder for growth" meaning that every thing that happens to us can be used for character development and whether someone hugs you or smacks you is really irrelevant. What matters is witnessing our lives in a compassionate manner to keep digging deeper into ourselves, calming the ego and awakening the inner wisdom inherent in humans.
In theory it is a lovely idea to have developed such equanimity that we meet every challenge with grace and gratitude. In reality it's a messy practice. So let me share the mess that three teachers recently brought to my door.

 The first literally came to the door, as a few weeks ago some thieves kicked in our front door and wiped the house clean of electronics and peace of mind The second teacher came only two days later as my husband was in a fender bender which would normally be no big deal, but the responding officer didn't believe his version of the events and called him a liar Then it became a big deal. The third teacher again literally knocked at my door. Over the front door of my studio it says yoga and massage. Well, I started getting knocks from people who didn't have appointments but insisted that they did. These were the kind of people who were a little rough and a little scary to me. It turns out that the building had leased a space to some prostitutes who were using massage as a cover and their excited johns just saw the massage word over my door. I am fiercely protective of my business and this triggered me in a thousand ways. For a moment I forgot Gods promise that He does work all things for our good. For a few days I responded to these three teacher by drinking too much and sleeping a lot. But the beauty of a spiritual practice is that it is cumulative and all the decades of prayer. meditation and self examination quickly became a life raft for me. So let me share the three gifts my teachers left.

Immediately after the break in standing in my home, shaky and unsure I got direction to practice some yoga. So I stood in tadasana, (those of you who don't practice yoga may call this pose standing there). Tadasana is a super powerful pose and as I rooted into my feet sending my energy all through my home I could feel my heart lift and my shoulders drop. In me is the power of abundance. I know I have enough "stuff" I know I have strong energy. I know my spirit is bright. But it took some burglars making space in my home for the knowledge of abundance to really take root. When abundance comes to live in your heart, competiveness has no space. Gandhi says there is enough in this world for all our need but not our greed. And this is true. When you notice the present moment you will see you are abundant, too.

The second gift was really letting go a lot of what people think of me. Others opinion can somewhat inform our choices but when they guide them we are not free.  the part of the accident that was so hard was watching my honest and big hearted husband struggle with being called a liar by a policeman. Tim did 20 years in the Air Force and this gave him a respect for "higher ups" that perhaps did not serve him in this situation. He has moved passed it and is actually looking forward to his day in court. But what has really stuck with me is the letting go of what others think and as I continue to work with this I feel my shoulders softening and my heart opening. It is a lovely thing.

The third gift was definitely the hardest to unwrap. I have massaged for twenty two years and in the beginning there was still a little bit of an association with sexuality. I have fought hard to make this very necessary service respectable. Human babies will die without touch. We all need safe touch and the johns knocking at my door knocked the wind out of me for a bit. But, here's the thing in every person there is dark and there is light. Society may try to reduce women to the Madonna/whore complex. But we are not one or the other we are all both. In those ladies was light and in me is
dark. Through this struggle I realized that until I truly embrace my darker parts my spiritual journey would be slowed. I prayed a lot for those ladies and less than a month into their lease the property manager got wise and evicted them. But they left me with a real softness for the parts of me that react from fear and anger.

About a month before my three teachers came I had formulated a mini mission statement for my life   just three words. Abundance, Health, and Love. The thieves brought me abundance, Tims struggle brought me greater mental health and those ladies of the night left me a shiny box of self love. So, whomever is knocking at your door, won't you let them in? They are your teachers.

The Ins and Outs of Waking Up

"You should not be surprised at my saying you must be born again" John 3:7

     This phrase has a lot of emotional trigger for me. Early in my spiritual exploration there were a lot of people who would ask this question "Are you born again?"like your answer granted you access to an exclusive club. This deep mystical question became a judgment used to divide us from "them" And sadly (but honestly) I now kind of associate this with a fundamentalism that doesn't smell of spiritual maturity. I am not sure if this is judgment or discernment, but just because I have wrestled with this phrase and come out bruised doesn't make it go away. So, "living in the flesh" is not born again and "living in the spirit" is born again? What does this even mean? Is it the Christian equivalent to the Buddhist idea of Enlightenment? Just because a group I don't identify with has appropriated this "born again" phrase for themselves doesn't mean that being "born again" isn't something spiritual seekers should explore. But where to start? So, I am no theologian but I really don't believe being born again has anything to do with saying any magic words about accepting Jesus. Yikes! I know that's a big statement. So, what might it mean? Is it tied in with the term "spiritual awakening"? Enough with all the questions: here's what I think I know about this scriptural command to be born again.  And even though "think I know" is a dangerous phrase I will proceed!

     There is a point in our lives when we don't know that we are also something separate from our thoughts and emotions. At this stage we have a thought or emotion and automatically act on it, because we don't know better. This is what Buddhist call being "trapped in a trance of thought". Maybe this is "living in the flesh" This stage will last forever if we don't begin to question the dictatorship of our minds. This questioning is often prompted by the suffering our thoughts casue. So,  we begin to watch our thoughts and every once in awhile not act on one. And every time that happens our flesh or small self is disempowered. Then with a simple accumulation of practice hours our mind begins to still enough to make space for another voice. Once the thoughts stop being so loud a small soft voice emerges. Some might call this Holy Spirit, Higher Self, Intuition ... doesn't matter what you call it, this voice is not your mind. It is a seemingly new part of you emerging, something being born. But ironically this voice that seems newly born is something ancient that has always been there. Our personal Wisdom voice begins to override our automatic thoughts and we are born again as someone sitting in their power because they're sitting in something bigger. Instead of being tossed to and fro by the waves of our mind we are sitting on the throne of our wisdom. More watchful and less busy this new self of ours is as sweet and precious as a new born baby and as old and wise as the ages .

     I think there are two factors that allow us to be born to a new way of living: faith and practice. To have faith that it is possible to escape the clutches of thinking is the facet of our faith diamond that prods practice. The possibilities for practice are vast: yoga, meditation, contemplative prayer, creative expression all of these activities and more can be used in a manner to still our minds. We can simply watch our breath but doing just that still gives the mind a lot of wiggle room so I like to use mantra or what I call breath words. Breathing in and thinking the word "in" breathing out and thinking the word "out: is a practice tool that can be taken anywhere and is super effective. Thich Nhat Hahn says "If you want to become enlightened you know two things: "When you are breathing in you know you are breathing in and when you are breathing out you know you are breathing out".

     All these big terms I am trying to untangle "born again, enlightened, awakened". these were not my motivation to practice, but rather the pain of being trapped by my thoughts instigated a spiritual journey decades ago. It is universal that some portion of our thoughts are self bullying and when we identify with our thoughts they become emotions that frankly beat the crud out of our tender hearts. But when we begin to let this unchecked mind be transformed a tender new part emerges and we find space to breath. Thoughts don't cease, emotions don't go away but a part of us has been seemingly born that allows us to witness thoughts and emotions knowing there are only the waves but we are the ocean. You are so much bigger than you mind lets on. So keep the faith and keep practicing because you are wise and wonderful.

A Rich Life

     There was nothing exceptional about the bike ride I took that sunny afternoon in 1994, but it is a moment planted in my heart forever. The absolute burst of overwhelming joy that compelled me to throw my hands in the air was inexplicable for such a cautious rider!  It was the most ordinary day, but this mysteriously sublime moment is forever burned into my consciousness. There was no external stimulus to explain the depth of my joy. And, for a long time this moment puzzled me. Given two decades to mull this over, I finally recognize that what made that moment so special is that it was the first time in my adult life when I was fully present. Instead of thinking of the past I was feeling the sun on my face, instead of pondering the future I drank in the embrace of the breeze on my skin. I was merely paying attention, but for someone who had been trapped in her mind and led around by her thoughts for as long, this moment was so huge there was no logical response except to throw my hands up in joy. We were young, poor newly weds but in that moment of presence I was rich, lacking for nothing, wanting for nothing, just giddy with the luxury of being alive. We have all been around sad people with plenty of money and happy people who are just scraping by. Deep down we know money doesn't buy happiness. Yes, a purchase can trigger a rush of hormones comparable to getting high. But, just like getting high the rush is short lived and to experience it again you have to buy something bigger, spend more money. Then we just end up with a pile of discarded dreams and unfulfilled desires. We feel poor not because we lack material goods but because we are so busy chasing the dream of joy we have discarded the richness of the moment.

       Stop now and take a quick tour through your senses. Do you feel the richness of this present moment through the lens of your senses?  If you want to be rich, look for beauty, listen for truth, feel this moment, it's good to be alive, hey? Each moment we are alive is a treasure that more often than not we just throw away because we are paying our attention elsewhere. This morning the question was  asked "when you walk into your garden do you look for flowers or weeds?". A fine question, but I think it can be refined: when you walk into your garden do you look at all?  It is in the looking that we grow rich and in mindlessness we grow poor. No matter the size of your bank account, your most valuable asset is the ability to direct your attention. The things that you pay attention to begin to grow and thrive. But there is a subtleness here many of us miss. We think that when we are lost in thought we are not paying attention, but in reality you are still paying attention but the object of your attention is the stream of thoughts careening around in your mind. We are always meditating on something. When you let your mind have all your attention. you are spending your attention on the spiritual equivalent of junk food. The problem with allocating all of our attention to our thoughts is that thoughts carry chemical imprints that manifest emotions and before we know it we are being ruled by our very unpredictable minds. We end up feeling very poor after being tossed to and fro by our thoughts all day. We end up feeling so poor indeed that we become imprisoned by our minds. As long as you are awake you are spending your attention somewhere, so let's train it towards nourishing and freeing ourselves.

     Stop now and take a deep breath. Do you feel how when you take your inhale you actually have everything you need in this moment to be fully alive? Your life doesn't begin when you acquire a certain something, in waiting to live fully, you are cultivating  poverty. Rather you become rich when you stop and appreciate what you have. Eyes to see, ears to hear, lungs to breath and hearts to love. There is an unmined richness inside you, a depth of well being that exists right now. Not when you lose 10 pounds or handstand off the wall but right now. Are you throwing your moments away or are you spending them in a manner that enriches you? If you don't know the answer to that then begin paying attention to what's happening around you.  If you can't stop your mind from taking over and stealing your attention, give it a job labeling what you are doing.  Such as: Right now I am typing, right now I feel my behind on the chair, right now I hear my dog softly breathing. Right now I am rich because I have paid attention and spent my time being aware. Make your mind your secretary.

     The real currency of your life is time and attention and as long as you are confused that it is anything else you will remain poor. We are like princes walking around in paupers rags not recognizing that we are already rich. When you compare yourself to others you impoverish yourself. When you allow desire for an object to consume you, you are already poor. but when you realize that you are unique and wonderful and alive then you are rich. When you realize that the breath in your lungs is a gift and the sun on your face is a privilege then you have acquired a richness that cannot be taken from you. It is a privilege to be alive, to be given all of these valuable moments to spend. The richness you are looking for is here now you just have to pay attention.

A Rant on Enlightenment

"Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is"

Peggy Lee

      We are all hopefully far enough along our spiritual paths that we recognize we are simultaneously dark and light, love and fear and it is our job to simply hold all of the shards of our psyche in the light of compassion. If a darker part of our nature causes us to despair and we try to push it away it simply grows. And so we sit with ourselves in the light of the present moment. This realization for me was kinda a bummer. For decades I have been reaching for a place, an illusion I labeled enlightenment. A mystical place where unicorns pull Gods chariot. When I got there everything was going to be super shiny and I would have a direct line to the Divine Mystery and little sparkles would shoot out of my fingertips. I yearned for this lofty place to finally emerge on the horizon. And perhaps it does exist, maybe there is some heaven on earth and then again maybe its just opening our eyes to the here and now. And that, my friend, is much less sexy than the journey to the mythical village of Enlightenment.

     Is this all really just about paying attention to this moment, feeling my fingers keyboard and my body breathe and then feeling my feet walk away from the computer? Is the entire point to feel pleasure and just notice and feel pain and just notice? What about the sparkles? What about the unicorns? Coming to the realization that all there is for us to work with is quality attention to the moment was kind of a blow to my goal oriented self. As much as I love the idea of sitting by a stream with Walt Whitman examining the changing leaves in reality I am a lover of speed, of cities, of the hustle and bustle of going somewhere and sitting in present moment sounds so mundane.
But, it is because I have harbored the desire to know Divinity and the belief that heaven on earth can exist that I very grudgingly began to sit with present moments. First it was washing dishes. mmmm warm water on my hands could feel pretty good and a little gratitude for a good meal did give me a small tingle. then I began being present washing my face and moisturizing became an exercise in self compassion as I gazed at my sweet aging face. My face and body are always doing their best even when I am abusive to them. Simply being present turned out to be the path for me to body love. Then it turned into the path of actually caring for people I wasn't naturally close to challenging clients, strangers, other drivers... Being present in the moment is melting my walls I have hidden behind in order to avoid the other. And people became a lot more interesting.

     And a funny thing happened after I passed the speed bump of disillusionment with present moment and became present (at least some of the time). Thing did begin to sparkle sometimes. The yellow flowers blooming in our yard became as rich as the sun. my husbands eyes sparkled with the appreciation of being seen. I noticed a lot more laughter around me. Was it always there? I'm not sure, I wasn't present for much of it as I was busy yearning for a better place than here. But I'm here now and while I know I will go on auto pilot many more times in this precious life I have tasted the present moment enough now to know that it is where the sparkles reside.

     So, if like me, the idea of simply being present makes you want to shoot yourself from the tedium take heart. Whether you are sitting quietly by that bubbling brook, driving way too fast on the highway, washing dishes or leaving on a jet plane to Istanbul every moment of your life has the potential to sparkle, to take your breath away as presence births gratitude. So, no in the beginning practicing present moment awareness is so not a sexy idea. But the more you notice your here and now the shinier life gets. Being present when you're troubled and in pain allows the moment to be a little softer. Being present when things are going swimmingly allows the moment to be a little richer. And, who knows we all may be surprised to find ourselves a little bit lighter. And these days my favorite definition of Enlightenment is "to lighten up". And by that definition I am here for a moment as my hands relax. Listening and feeling the discomfort I felt this morning working with a softwear update and being present with my bodies tension allowed me to lighten up. And feeling the joy I felt this morning watching our new chickens explore the freshly mowed backyard things got a little sparkly just for the moment. And then the moment was gone and a new one came,

And This Too

And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him

Romans 8:28

     Each one of us is a unique and beautiful mix of humanity, complete with bright and shining moments of love and light and also suffering and darkness. And while it is a very human impulse to look towards the light and turn our backs on our darkness we cannot selectively numb emotions and ignoring our suffering can dull our capability for pleasure. And so in order to grow we find we must become witnesses to all our lives hold. We must notice and savor the moments of joy that sparkle like a diamond in the sun but we must not try to hold onto them or they transform into suffering. When suffering arises as it will in every life we must hold that suffering lightly and lovingly. It is such a fine balance to grow from suffering. Some people hold their suffering so close to their hearts they become professional martyrs and victims. Some people think the can push their suffering away, but it doesn't go "away" it merely goes down deeper into us to fester and grow and volcanically erupts at a later date in perhaps anger or addiction. And so we tell our suffering "I am here for you" and we hold our suffering lightly watching it curiously. Perhaps we find the physical manifestation of suffering as in anger manifesting as a tight jaw and we let our affectionate awareness rest on the body. And much like sunlight shining on a block of ice our loving awareness begins to transform our suffering. So, this is all good and lovely but how do we get there? We are so conditioned to believe our thoughts and react to them that cultivating this kind of awareness may seem like a unreachable dream.

     Well, dreams do come true sometimes. And the dream of waking up to live our lives fully is at your fingertips. The key to living your life more fully seems a little ironic. We must cultivate our Inner Witness. This may seem like witnessing your life would distance you from it but it is just the opposite. When we have a thought like "I am angry" and we believe that thought to be the only truth then we hold that thought in our minds until our bodies become angry and our actions reflect anger. But when we cultivate our Inner Witness we may have the thought "I am angry" and just notice it. Hmmm, I just thought I was angry. Then we can search our bodies for any angry tension and rest our loving awareness in that tension until the "charge" of the thought is gone. We have then created an internal atmosphere in which we can examine what triggered our angry thought and turn potential suffering into growth.

     Cultivating this Inner Witness begins when we notice what is happening in this exact moment and just allowing it. We suffer and we think "and this too is a part of life" we laugh with a loved one and we notice it and think "and this too" and our joy expannds. And every wave that crosses the ocean of us is met with "and this too". Every single thing that happens to us becomes fodder for growth. I have been practicing this "and this too" mantra for awhile and recently is became so helpful in two situations. The first was when I found myself hungover and full of self loathing in front of a class on a Sunday morning. My hubby and I had celebrated our 22nd anniversary the night before and perhaps we were both a little too happy to be free of driving responsibilities. But, anyways, I found myself in front of the class knowing I could not hide or fake my energy but still holding the desire to serve the students. So I held my feelings in the awareness of "And this too". And I remembered that this miserable moment was not the entirety of my life. Then a few days later another yoga teacher whom I really respect asked me to lunch to share some very complimentary things about me she wanted to say. Normally I shy away from such effusive praise, but listening to her this day "And this too" whispered in my mind. And I allowed myself a moment of joy and satisfaction at having been a positive part of this persons journey. And this too. Even when something terrible is happening we use "and this too". We can have a situation we are trying hard to change and at the same time allowing that it is our current reality/ The mantra "and this too" simply allows us a clear eyed assessment of out current moment. And when enough of these clear eyes moments accumulate we have the potential to become loving Witnesses to this precious life we've been given. You, yes, you are awesome, allow that (and this too) and yes at times you can be a jerk, allow that (and this too). Embrace all of yourself, especially the parts you want to sweep under the rug because those parts when allowed to exist (and this too) may become your biggest teachers. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly and think "and this too" and you are on your way ...

A Backwards Journey

   

My strength is made perfect in weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

      Back breathing has been on my radar these days. A few weeks ago I got a great belly laugh watching a comedian talking about yoga and back breathing.  When a yoga teacher asked him to back breath he surmised that his entire life was "F'ed up because he had been breathing in his face" The set was hilarious but underneath it there really was a sense of him thinking "what the hell is this teacher talking about?" Confusion around back breath is a conversation that just keeps popping up. I was recently privileged to share some yoga at my husbands workplace. Secretly ecstatic really to yogify him any way I can, right?! But this class led to a long conversation on our evening walk in which I really tried to break down back breath into logical easy steps. I really wanted this concept to make sense to my better half. And I think I came up with concepts that shed some light on it for him. But my inquiry didn't end there. And, of course, as I continue to explore back breath I know I may serve someone like my hubby along this journey but the lessons here are for me. My path to the back has been littered with the ruts of my stubbornness and the boulders of resistance but I'm finally here and as I inhabit my back I know this is just another journey of surrender.

     It might be helpful to try to dig a little deeper into that evening walk discussion. To even allow for back breath it helps to realize that a great deal (something like 70%) of our lung capacity is in our back. Then we must be engaged in a lifestyle that allows for a supple back and just as we know we can consciously flex or stretch our biceps  we must know that we can consciously move our back muscles. It occurred to me that for millions of people with chronic back pain and frozen posterior muscles back breath may not be available to them without ALOT of work. But, lets assume your back is supple and you can expand the muscles. Then back breathing is about awareness, intention and energy.  This powerful trio, of course, all turned towards our backs. But even with all of these building blocks in place there is another big reason back breathing may not be within reach.

     Back breathing is a practice of somatic surrender. It is entirely too easy to manipulate and control the breath in the front of our bodies. Everyday I see belly muscles distend and clench with the excessive enthusiasm of a forceful breathing yogi. We can valve our throats and shoot streams of carbon dioxide out of alternating nostrils. We huff and puff in the front of our body as our conditioned mind holds tight to control. No wonder ancient yoga sutras warn us that breathwork can lead to insanity. But, I digress, lets get back to the back. Have you ever tried to breath forcefully into your back? I'm giving it another shot as I sit here typing and it almost makes me laugh at the futility of forcing our backs to breath. This is because the back only expands by softening, spreading, releasing, relaxing. In short:surrendering.  Usually I teach the "letting go" practice by having students relax hands and jaws because these are more accessible. Letting go of the back is some deep level letting go. Especially standing when the long cable like erector muscles that run up either side of the spine must keep us erect! In standing postures the practice of letting go in the back is really of practice of finding middle ground. On the floor the practice of letting go of the back is more accessible as we think of our back muscles spreading like an expanding puddle. A letting go practice is challenging enough, but then layer on the fact that our back muscles hold a lot of the tensions that we "don't want to look at". This letting go requires patience, compassion and skill.

     I thought I would be able to wrap this blog up with a tidy bow for you, but my inquiry is on going,  My surrender, repetitive and imperfect. The layers of this practice tantalizingly deep. But this I do know: being truly at home in our bodies includes occupying every single inch with compassionate awareness. We must place our loving attention on our faithful bodies from the surface to the depths and all over from the crown of our heads to the soles of our feet, frontbody and back. Leave no part of yourself behind as you make your way home. We can be there for one another when we have our own backs. So stand tall yogis, breath deep and peace to you on the path...