The Ins and Outs of Waking Up

"You should not be surprised at my saying you must be born again" John 3:7

     This phrase has a lot of emotional trigger for me. Early in my spiritual exploration there were a lot of people who would ask this question "Are you born again?"like your answer granted you access to an exclusive club. This deep mystical question became a judgment used to divide us from "them" And sadly (but honestly) I now kind of associate this with a fundamentalism that doesn't smell of spiritual maturity. I am not sure if this is judgment or discernment, but just because I have wrestled with this phrase and come out bruised doesn't make it go away. So, "living in the flesh" is not born again and "living in the spirit" is born again? What does this even mean? Is it the Christian equivalent to the Buddhist idea of Enlightenment? Just because a group I don't identify with has appropriated this "born again" phrase for themselves doesn't mean that being "born again" isn't something spiritual seekers should explore. But where to start? So, I am no theologian but I really don't believe being born again has anything to do with saying any magic words about accepting Jesus. Yikes! I know that's a big statement. So, what might it mean? Is it tied in with the term "spiritual awakening"? Enough with all the questions: here's what I think I know about this scriptural command to be born again.  And even though "think I know" is a dangerous phrase I will proceed!

     There is a point in our lives when we don't know that we are also something separate from our thoughts and emotions. At this stage we have a thought or emotion and automatically act on it, because we don't know better. This is what Buddhist call being "trapped in a trance of thought". Maybe this is "living in the flesh" This stage will last forever if we don't begin to question the dictatorship of our minds. This questioning is often prompted by the suffering our thoughts casue. So,  we begin to watch our thoughts and every once in awhile not act on one. And every time that happens our flesh or small self is disempowered. Then with a simple accumulation of practice hours our mind begins to still enough to make space for another voice. Once the thoughts stop being so loud a small soft voice emerges. Some might call this Holy Spirit, Higher Self, Intuition ... doesn't matter what you call it, this voice is not your mind. It is a seemingly new part of you emerging, something being born. But ironically this voice that seems newly born is something ancient that has always been there. Our personal Wisdom voice begins to override our automatic thoughts and we are born again as someone sitting in their power because they're sitting in something bigger. Instead of being tossed to and fro by the waves of our mind we are sitting on the throne of our wisdom. More watchful and less busy this new self of ours is as sweet and precious as a new born baby and as old and wise as the ages .

     I think there are two factors that allow us to be born to a new way of living: faith and practice. To have faith that it is possible to escape the clutches of thinking is the facet of our faith diamond that prods practice. The possibilities for practice are vast: yoga, meditation, contemplative prayer, creative expression all of these activities and more can be used in a manner to still our minds. We can simply watch our breath but doing just that still gives the mind a lot of wiggle room so I like to use mantra or what I call breath words. Breathing in and thinking the word "in" breathing out and thinking the word "out: is a practice tool that can be taken anywhere and is super effective. Thich Nhat Hahn says "If you want to become enlightened you know two things: "When you are breathing in you know you are breathing in and when you are breathing out you know you are breathing out".

     All these big terms I am trying to untangle "born again, enlightened, awakened". these were not my motivation to practice, but rather the pain of being trapped by my thoughts instigated a spiritual journey decades ago. It is universal that some portion of our thoughts are self bullying and when we identify with our thoughts they become emotions that frankly beat the crud out of our tender hearts. But when we begin to let this unchecked mind be transformed a tender new part emerges and we find space to breath. Thoughts don't cease, emotions don't go away but a part of us has been seemingly born that allows us to witness thoughts and emotions knowing there are only the waves but we are the ocean. You are so much bigger than you mind lets on. So keep the faith and keep practicing because you are wise and wonderful.

A Rich Life

     There was nothing exceptional about the bike ride I took that sunny afternoon in 1994, but it is a moment planted in my heart forever. The absolute burst of overwhelming joy that compelled me to throw my hands in the air was inexplicable for such a cautious rider!  It was the most ordinary day, but this mysteriously sublime moment is forever burned into my consciousness. There was no external stimulus to explain the depth of my joy. And, for a long time this moment puzzled me. Given two decades to mull this over, I finally recognize that what made that moment so special is that it was the first time in my adult life when I was fully present. Instead of thinking of the past I was feeling the sun on my face, instead of pondering the future I drank in the embrace of the breeze on my skin. I was merely paying attention, but for someone who had been trapped in her mind and led around by her thoughts for as long, this moment was so huge there was no logical response except to throw my hands up in joy. We were young, poor newly weds but in that moment of presence I was rich, lacking for nothing, wanting for nothing, just giddy with the luxury of being alive. We have all been around sad people with plenty of money and happy people who are just scraping by. Deep down we know money doesn't buy happiness. Yes, a purchase can trigger a rush of hormones comparable to getting high. But, just like getting high the rush is short lived and to experience it again you have to buy something bigger, spend more money. Then we just end up with a pile of discarded dreams and unfulfilled desires. We feel poor not because we lack material goods but because we are so busy chasing the dream of joy we have discarded the richness of the moment.

       Stop now and take a quick tour through your senses. Do you feel the richness of this present moment through the lens of your senses?  If you want to be rich, look for beauty, listen for truth, feel this moment, it's good to be alive, hey? Each moment we are alive is a treasure that more often than not we just throw away because we are paying our attention elsewhere. This morning the question was  asked "when you walk into your garden do you look for flowers or weeds?". A fine question, but I think it can be refined: when you walk into your garden do you look at all?  It is in the looking that we grow rich and in mindlessness we grow poor. No matter the size of your bank account, your most valuable asset is the ability to direct your attention. The things that you pay attention to begin to grow and thrive. But there is a subtleness here many of us miss. We think that when we are lost in thought we are not paying attention, but in reality you are still paying attention but the object of your attention is the stream of thoughts careening around in your mind. We are always meditating on something. When you let your mind have all your attention. you are spending your attention on the spiritual equivalent of junk food. The problem with allocating all of our attention to our thoughts is that thoughts carry chemical imprints that manifest emotions and before we know it we are being ruled by our very unpredictable minds. We end up feeling very poor after being tossed to and fro by our thoughts all day. We end up feeling so poor indeed that we become imprisoned by our minds. As long as you are awake you are spending your attention somewhere, so let's train it towards nourishing and freeing ourselves.

     Stop now and take a deep breath. Do you feel how when you take your inhale you actually have everything you need in this moment to be fully alive? Your life doesn't begin when you acquire a certain something, in waiting to live fully, you are cultivating  poverty. Rather you become rich when you stop and appreciate what you have. Eyes to see, ears to hear, lungs to breath and hearts to love. There is an unmined richness inside you, a depth of well being that exists right now. Not when you lose 10 pounds or handstand off the wall but right now. Are you throwing your moments away or are you spending them in a manner that enriches you? If you don't know the answer to that then begin paying attention to what's happening around you.  If you can't stop your mind from taking over and stealing your attention, give it a job labeling what you are doing.  Such as: Right now I am typing, right now I feel my behind on the chair, right now I hear my dog softly breathing. Right now I am rich because I have paid attention and spent my time being aware. Make your mind your secretary.

     The real currency of your life is time and attention and as long as you are confused that it is anything else you will remain poor. We are like princes walking around in paupers rags not recognizing that we are already rich. When you compare yourself to others you impoverish yourself. When you allow desire for an object to consume you, you are already poor. but when you realize that you are unique and wonderful and alive then you are rich. When you realize that the breath in your lungs is a gift and the sun on your face is a privilege then you have acquired a richness that cannot be taken from you. It is a privilege to be alive, to be given all of these valuable moments to spend. The richness you are looking for is here now you just have to pay attention.

A Rant on Enlightenment

"Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is"

Peggy Lee

      We are all hopefully far enough along our spiritual paths that we recognize we are simultaneously dark and light, love and fear and it is our job to simply hold all of the shards of our psyche in the light of compassion. If a darker part of our nature causes us to despair and we try to push it away it simply grows. And so we sit with ourselves in the light of the present moment. This realization for me was kinda a bummer. For decades I have been reaching for a place, an illusion I labeled enlightenment. A mystical place where unicorns pull Gods chariot. When I got there everything was going to be super shiny and I would have a direct line to the Divine Mystery and little sparkles would shoot out of my fingertips. I yearned for this lofty place to finally emerge on the horizon. And perhaps it does exist, maybe there is some heaven on earth and then again maybe its just opening our eyes to the here and now. And that, my friend, is much less sexy than the journey to the mythical village of Enlightenment.

     Is this all really just about paying attention to this moment, feeling my fingers keyboard and my body breathe and then feeling my feet walk away from the computer? Is the entire point to feel pleasure and just notice and feel pain and just notice? What about the sparkles? What about the unicorns? Coming to the realization that all there is for us to work with is quality attention to the moment was kind of a blow to my goal oriented self. As much as I love the idea of sitting by a stream with Walt Whitman examining the changing leaves in reality I am a lover of speed, of cities, of the hustle and bustle of going somewhere and sitting in present moment sounds so mundane.
But, it is because I have harbored the desire to know Divinity and the belief that heaven on earth can exist that I very grudgingly began to sit with present moments. First it was washing dishes. mmmm warm water on my hands could feel pretty good and a little gratitude for a good meal did give me a small tingle. then I began being present washing my face and moisturizing became an exercise in self compassion as I gazed at my sweet aging face. My face and body are always doing their best even when I am abusive to them. Simply being present turned out to be the path for me to body love. Then it turned into the path of actually caring for people I wasn't naturally close to challenging clients, strangers, other drivers... Being present in the moment is melting my walls I have hidden behind in order to avoid the other. And people became a lot more interesting.

     And a funny thing happened after I passed the speed bump of disillusionment with present moment and became present (at least some of the time). Thing did begin to sparkle sometimes. The yellow flowers blooming in our yard became as rich as the sun. my husbands eyes sparkled with the appreciation of being seen. I noticed a lot more laughter around me. Was it always there? I'm not sure, I wasn't present for much of it as I was busy yearning for a better place than here. But I'm here now and while I know I will go on auto pilot many more times in this precious life I have tasted the present moment enough now to know that it is where the sparkles reside.

     So, if like me, the idea of simply being present makes you want to shoot yourself from the tedium take heart. Whether you are sitting quietly by that bubbling brook, driving way too fast on the highway, washing dishes or leaving on a jet plane to Istanbul every moment of your life has the potential to sparkle, to take your breath away as presence births gratitude. So, no in the beginning practicing present moment awareness is so not a sexy idea. But the more you notice your here and now the shinier life gets. Being present when you're troubled and in pain allows the moment to be a little softer. Being present when things are going swimmingly allows the moment to be a little richer. And, who knows we all may be surprised to find ourselves a little bit lighter. And these days my favorite definition of Enlightenment is "to lighten up". And by that definition I am here for a moment as my hands relax. Listening and feeling the discomfort I felt this morning working with a softwear update and being present with my bodies tension allowed me to lighten up. And feeling the joy I felt this morning watching our new chickens explore the freshly mowed backyard things got a little sparkly just for the moment. And then the moment was gone and a new one came,

And This Too

And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him

Romans 8:28

     Each one of us is a unique and beautiful mix of humanity, complete with bright and shining moments of love and light and also suffering and darkness. And while it is a very human impulse to look towards the light and turn our backs on our darkness we cannot selectively numb emotions and ignoring our suffering can dull our capability for pleasure. And so in order to grow we find we must become witnesses to all our lives hold. We must notice and savor the moments of joy that sparkle like a diamond in the sun but we must not try to hold onto them or they transform into suffering. When suffering arises as it will in every life we must hold that suffering lightly and lovingly. It is such a fine balance to grow from suffering. Some people hold their suffering so close to their hearts they become professional martyrs and victims. Some people think the can push their suffering away, but it doesn't go "away" it merely goes down deeper into us to fester and grow and volcanically erupts at a later date in perhaps anger or addiction. And so we tell our suffering "I am here for you" and we hold our suffering lightly watching it curiously. Perhaps we find the physical manifestation of suffering as in anger manifesting as a tight jaw and we let our affectionate awareness rest on the body. And much like sunlight shining on a block of ice our loving awareness begins to transform our suffering. So, this is all good and lovely but how do we get there? We are so conditioned to believe our thoughts and react to them that cultivating this kind of awareness may seem like a unreachable dream.

     Well, dreams do come true sometimes. And the dream of waking up to live our lives fully is at your fingertips. The key to living your life more fully seems a little ironic. We must cultivate our Inner Witness. This may seem like witnessing your life would distance you from it but it is just the opposite. When we have a thought like "I am angry" and we believe that thought to be the only truth then we hold that thought in our minds until our bodies become angry and our actions reflect anger. But when we cultivate our Inner Witness we may have the thought "I am angry" and just notice it. Hmmm, I just thought I was angry. Then we can search our bodies for any angry tension and rest our loving awareness in that tension until the "charge" of the thought is gone. We have then created an internal atmosphere in which we can examine what triggered our angry thought and turn potential suffering into growth.

     Cultivating this Inner Witness begins when we notice what is happening in this exact moment and just allowing it. We suffer and we think "and this too is a part of life" we laugh with a loved one and we notice it and think "and this too" and our joy expannds. And every wave that crosses the ocean of us is met with "and this too". Every single thing that happens to us becomes fodder for growth. I have been practicing this "and this too" mantra for awhile and recently is became so helpful in two situations. The first was when I found myself hungover and full of self loathing in front of a class on a Sunday morning. My hubby and I had celebrated our 22nd anniversary the night before and perhaps we were both a little too happy to be free of driving responsibilities. But, anyways, I found myself in front of the class knowing I could not hide or fake my energy but still holding the desire to serve the students. So I held my feelings in the awareness of "And this too". And I remembered that this miserable moment was not the entirety of my life. Then a few days later another yoga teacher whom I really respect asked me to lunch to share some very complimentary things about me she wanted to say. Normally I shy away from such effusive praise, but listening to her this day "And this too" whispered in my mind. And I allowed myself a moment of joy and satisfaction at having been a positive part of this persons journey. And this too. Even when something terrible is happening we use "and this too". We can have a situation we are trying hard to change and at the same time allowing that it is our current reality/ The mantra "and this too" simply allows us a clear eyed assessment of out current moment. And when enough of these clear eyes moments accumulate we have the potential to become loving Witnesses to this precious life we've been given. You, yes, you are awesome, allow that (and this too) and yes at times you can be a jerk, allow that (and this too). Embrace all of yourself, especially the parts you want to sweep under the rug because those parts when allowed to exist (and this too) may become your biggest teachers. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly and think "and this too" and you are on your way ...

A Backwards Journey

   

My strength is made perfect in weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9

      Back breathing has been on my radar these days. A few weeks ago I got a great belly laugh watching a comedian talking about yoga and back breathing.  When a yoga teacher asked him to back breath he surmised that his entire life was "F'ed up because he had been breathing in his face" The set was hilarious but underneath it there really was a sense of him thinking "what the hell is this teacher talking about?" Confusion around back breath is a conversation that just keeps popping up. I was recently privileged to share some yoga at my husbands workplace. Secretly ecstatic really to yogify him any way I can, right?! But this class led to a long conversation on our evening walk in which I really tried to break down back breath into logical easy steps. I really wanted this concept to make sense to my better half. And I think I came up with concepts that shed some light on it for him. But my inquiry didn't end there. And, of course, as I continue to explore back breath I know I may serve someone like my hubby along this journey but the lessons here are for me. My path to the back has been littered with the ruts of my stubbornness and the boulders of resistance but I'm finally here and as I inhabit my back I know this is just another journey of surrender.

     It might be helpful to try to dig a little deeper into that evening walk discussion. To even allow for back breath it helps to realize that a great deal (something like 70%) of our lung capacity is in our back. Then we must be engaged in a lifestyle that allows for a supple back and just as we know we can consciously flex or stretch our biceps  we must know that we can consciously move our back muscles. It occurred to me that for millions of people with chronic back pain and frozen posterior muscles back breath may not be available to them without ALOT of work. But, lets assume your back is supple and you can expand the muscles. Then back breathing is about awareness, intention and energy.  This powerful trio, of course, all turned towards our backs. But even with all of these building blocks in place there is another big reason back breathing may not be within reach.

     Back breathing is a practice of somatic surrender. It is entirely too easy to manipulate and control the breath in the front of our bodies. Everyday I see belly muscles distend and clench with the excessive enthusiasm of a forceful breathing yogi. We can valve our throats and shoot streams of carbon dioxide out of alternating nostrils. We huff and puff in the front of our body as our conditioned mind holds tight to control. No wonder ancient yoga sutras warn us that breathwork can lead to insanity. But, I digress, lets get back to the back. Have you ever tried to breath forcefully into your back? I'm giving it another shot as I sit here typing and it almost makes me laugh at the futility of forcing our backs to breath. This is because the back only expands by softening, spreading, releasing, relaxing. In short:surrendering.  Usually I teach the "letting go" practice by having students relax hands and jaws because these are more accessible. Letting go of the back is some deep level letting go. Especially standing when the long cable like erector muscles that run up either side of the spine must keep us erect! In standing postures the practice of letting go in the back is really of practice of finding middle ground. On the floor the practice of letting go of the back is more accessible as we think of our back muscles spreading like an expanding puddle. A letting go practice is challenging enough, but then layer on the fact that our back muscles hold a lot of the tensions that we "don't want to look at". This letting go requires patience, compassion and skill.

     I thought I would be able to wrap this blog up with a tidy bow for you, but my inquiry is on going,  My surrender, repetitive and imperfect. The layers of this practice tantalizingly deep. But this I do know: being truly at home in our bodies includes occupying every single inch with compassionate awareness. We must place our loving attention on our faithful bodies from the surface to the depths and all over from the crown of our heads to the soles of our feet, frontbody and back. Leave no part of yourself behind as you make your way home. We can be there for one another when we have our own backs. So stand tall yogis, breath deep and peace to you on the path...

My Body My Friend

You are made of stardust and magic. What's not to love?

 

 

     I used to think my best friend was actually my worst enemy. I did a lot of really bad things to shut her up and everytime she healed herself and forgave me. I used to be ashamed of my friend, trying to hide her and then convinced she just needed to shape up I would push her until she dropped and she always cooperated. And everytime she forgave me. Before you start thinking I am a horrible mean girl I should confess my best friend is my body. But, boy, has this been a long journey and it has not been mine alone. For as long as recorded history and probably before, there is evidence of humans struggling with exactly how to occupy our bodies. "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience but spiritual beings having a human experience". This old saying is meant to focus people on our spiritual experience, but it makes me wonder about our "human" experience. We occupy these bodies for a reason and we are menat to occupy them in a certain manner.

     But before I get into that lets look at what hasn't worked. Corporeal mortification or flagellation was a common event in spiritual circles back in the day. It is said that at the end of his life St. Francis of Assisi asked his body for forgiveness for all the wounds it bore for him and from him. Beating ourselves either with a whip or with a treadmill has never worked to make us comfortable in our own skin. Then of course, to this day, many religious communities deal with the body by simply covering it up, especially womens bodies. Out of sight out of mind. We let our minds conduct our lives while we beat and hide our bodies. It has been said that the West is a disembodied culture. And I wonder as uncovered as we are, are we any better off? Just because we're not beating our bodies with lashes from a whip anymore doesn't mean we're not beating them. This blog post was prompted by a song lyric I heard on the radio today (forgive me I won't get it exactly right) but it went something like this
"you've got a great body baby so put on top of me because bodies we're made for fun and we're gonna use your body all up until we're done". UGH! So, of course we're meant to experience pleasure in our bodies. We are sensual creatures and, of course, we're meant to have fun. But our bodies are not toys meant to be used up. Can you imagine thinking that another person in your life was solely there for you to have fun with until they were used up? It made me sad\mad in the same moment because I know that song lyric is just representative of our ongoing body bullying. Our bodies are smart. They have their own intelligence that we have shut down from over thinking, neglect and modern day corporeal mortification (ultramarathons, cross fit, starvation diets).

     The good news is there is a way out. Even though huge billboards tell us our thighs should be airbrushed and ads all day long tell us that physically we're not good enough so frequently that we have come to view our bodies as a project or a machine, there is a way back home to your body. Even though many of us are literally numb in much of our bodies, there is a way home. Coming home to your body, making friends with your body makes you wiser and stronger and kinder. allowing your bodies voice to be heard again helps you navigate decisions and balance your life. When someone threatens you your body tenses up, when someone comforts you your body softens. This is our most basic body talk. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.. Our bodies just may be the wisest part of us. So, let's thaw them out. Let's come home to our bodies.

     The coming home journey is simple but maybe not easy and certainly not quick. You just have to pay a lot of attention to the sensations of your body both externally and internally. Can you remember the last time you were super happy? Now can take a moment to feel how that feels in your body? Every emotion we have has a physical bodyprint, it's all there. So, we pay attention, but the attention we pay is a specific kind. This attention must be curious (we can't assume to know what's going on with our bodies( and the attention must be kind. When you make space to just sit with your body a few minutes everyday it will allow your bodies voice to begin to bubble up again. Our bodies can give us direction, warn us of danger, protect us when danger comes, our bodies offer us pleasure and warn us with pain when we go to far. and the thing of it is when you spend enough time with your body it becomes your friend and ally. Are you comfortable in your skin? if the answer is no what do you have to lose? Sit, pay attention and make a new friend. Because your body is a wonderland, just not the way they mean it on the radio!

The Dark and the Light

"Smoking will not interfere with your yoga, yoga will interfere with your smoking"

Krishnamurti

     I heard a preacher say once that he had discovered the dividing line between "good" people and "bad" people and I waited with perked ears to hear where this line was. "it runs right down the middle of every human" he concluded and I knew I had just heard truth. I am a great person really doing the best I can and I am also at times a quite selfish and horrible person. I am not alone in this duality I know. For so many years teaching yoga I bound myself with a bunch of  "if onlys". If only I lost some weight I would be better at asana, if only I didn't pollute my body I might reach enlightenment, if only I knew a little more I would be a better teacher. All of these "if onlys" were centered around what I deemed to be the "dark" parts of me. I was convinced all of these "if onlys" were interfering with my yoga. I thought these "if onlys" we're the cause of my suffering.

     Thankfully Krishnamurti was exactly right when he said yoga interferes with our habits. Yoga is such a democratic process, everyone who practices progresses and mindfulness is cumulative. You don't have to be awesome and free of "if onlys" you just have to practice and I have, And its begun to interfere with my habits.  During a recent time out of the country in a fresh environment which always gives us a fresh perspective I sat down to meditate. There was nothing particularly "enlightened" about my attitude that day. I just sat because that's what I do. So for the majority of my "sit" I just alternated between mindful breathing and a wandering mind, like every session. But right before my timer was about to chime I "heard" a clear inner voice say "Your life is perfect". My immediate reaction was a laundry list of all my imperfections, all my short comings. This voice was clearly wrong. But then I saw that this entire list was just "if onlys" and God gave me a vision of all of these "if onlys" being a basket full of snakes that I used to strangle my spirit. I don't know how many years I have told students " You are flawed and you are perfect and there is no contradiction in this statement". I must have said this thousands of times, but in that moment in my meditation it became a living truth for me. No, my "if onlys did not interfere with my yoga but my yoga has sure interfered with my "if onlys".

     That moment God planted two things in me. First, is the realization that indeed my life is perfect. Every scrap of darkness in my life is designed for my good, for my growth and all of my bad habits are part of the perfection. And with that realization came an overwhelming flood of self kindness. Both of these gifts are just a result of practice. Scripture says when we reach for God, He reaches back: deep calling to deep.  Practicing mindful compassion on the yoga mat and off will interfere with your life in a big way. Do you have it backwards like I did for so many years thinking your bad habits will interfere with your yoga? If so be patient with yourself but keep practicing. Whether your practice is asana, or meditation or walking or praying or serving others let your life become your practice. Just be present and when you aren't present and you come out of your trance of thought then just be kind. Even if you are hung over at this moment or just spent an hour gossiping or filled with self loathing you are perfect NOW. You do not need to wait for all of your "if onlys" to come to pass you merely need to practice living intentionally. Keep reaching for God.

     Yes, let your light shine, the world needs shiny people. But do not try to push away your darkness, it creates the boundaries for light to exist. We cannot have one without the other. Your darkness is your teacher, your darkness can be beautiful when you shine compassion on it. So, once more please remember that you are flawed and you are perfect and there is no contradiction in this statement. Practice living that until your self kindness blooms. And with practice it will.