Just Keep Swimming

    "And I pray that you being rooted and established in love may have the power, together with all the Lords holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ..." Eph 3:17

      It is intuitive that we are surrounded by something bigger. You may call the something bigger God or Universe or even perhaps you think the something bigger is not sentient and you simply connect to the shared breath of humanity or the earths atmosphere. Ironically though one of the first steps to the internal act of practicing yoga is acknowledging that something bigger. In this connection to Something Bigger I notice there are two major categories of people. There are the people who imagine the force they are surrounded with to be benevolent and helpful and there are the ones who imagine either a harshly judgmental force or an uninterested neutral force. Since really no one has the definitive answer to what is the Bigger that surrounds us no one can say with 100% assurance that the Bigger is good, bad or neutral. So we make a choice about how to interact and envision this Bigger and this choice is shaped by so many factors:  parenting, society, past experiences but it is a choice none the less and a crucial one. Perhaps no other choice affects us more that the belief that we are surrounded by love or by something else.

     I have noticed that the people who believe in a benevolent force are more relaxed in their muscles and their mind than the ones who believe in something else. Even just believing the larger force is uninterested and neutral seems to keep peoples nervous systems a little bit more one edge. But we just believe what we believe, right, so what is even the point of this observation? Well, I learned a valuable lesson almost 30 years ago from a cute drivers ed instructor. Since I had a little crush on him I listened to what he said. And one thing he said is "look where you want to go". This obviously serves us well driving, but just as well in spiritual seeking. Once we set our minds on looking for the good things we can attribute to the Bigger we see more good. When we intentionally look away from the garbage pile and seek out the small spring flowers we begin to see more beauty.

     You can say the Something Bigger allowed you to be in a fender bender and feel agitated or you can feel gratitude at not being injured. Everyday we make a thousand little subconscious choices about what we believe and all of our choices in turn reinforce that Something Bigger belief. it may take decades to slowly shift your belief from thinking you reside in an uncaring world to the belief that you are surrounded by love. But, hey, what else are you doing today that's so important? look around you, see the beauty. Make this an intentional practice. Look for the good. We are like fish swimming in a sea of Love. There is no where you need to go to experience this, nothing you need to do, except choose to believe. When your mind offers you bad memories and your eyes turn to the ugliness of the world shift your view. then shift it again and again and again. And one day you will wake up and realize that you are loved. Like the little fish in Finding Nemo, we just gotta keep swimming.

But, but, but ...I'm a good person, right?

     “Wherever you are, be there. If you can be fully present now, you’ll know what it means to live.” Steve Goodier

     God sees the best in the worst of us and the worst in the best of us. For a long time I have tried to be a "good person" and it has really mattered to me to have a net positive effect on the people around me. Time to let that go. On the surface I want to see myself as a helper, even perhaps a healer. But I wonder at the depths of that intention what darkness lurks? Do I need to see myself as a "hero" or do I need to imagine my worth as greater than someone else's whose life consists of robbing banks and eating HoHos? All people are "good" at times and all people are "bad" other times. But to label ourselves as good or bad people really is a stumbling block to growth. Further, I would argue that every situation you find yourself in is neither good or bad,  both hold the potential for shifting into greater awareness or solidifying a maladaptive belief. Today I have a "day off" and a part of me that tends towards a puritanical work ethic can mar this day by casting about looking for activities. Another part of me that tends more towards the slothful can darken this day by just giving up and having a iPad zone out marathon. I often label my "work ethic" self as good and my "slothful" self as bad, but these labels are just cop outs that keep us from real presence, awareness, living fully awake if you will.

      Once the bad/good label is applied to a person or situation then our mind quickly fills in all the rest of the details and creates a preset scenario in which we lose our opportunity to learn from being present in the moment. Maybe an activity filled day is what is called for and in this day I will learn endurance, maybe a "lazy" day is what is called for and in this day I will renew my energy. Either way labeling good/bad will disconnect me from the middle ground of compassionate observer. Instead, I sit and listen to my breath for a moment, not good or bad, just still and listening.

     I am not a good person. I am not a bad person. And neither are you. Instead of trying to be good or bad, today I will reach for compassionate and present. Compassion is found in remembering that I wish no harm to myself and those around me. That generally leads to non harming actions. Then having established that base we can ask ourselves "What is the next loving act I can do?" Sometimes the loving act is to reach out a helping hand and sometimes the loving act is to allow someone to stumble. Sometimes love means run, endure be a warrior and sometimes love is letting go.
I have noticed that the more I desire to be good and the more I really want to help someone the less ease I have in a situation. My desire to "be good" ironically stands in the way of Gods spirit flowing through me which really is the highest good we can do for each other. God is the ocean and we are little waves on the surface. The way to expand our consciousness is not to be good, but rather to relax enough to become part of the Ocean. So, today I won't hope for a good day or try to avoid a bad day, rather remembering each moment is fodder for growth I will hope for an awake day so that "Namaste" will come true and the highest and best in me will see the highest and best in you.

Monkey Traps

      "Everybody wants to get enlightened but nobody wants to change."
 -Andrew Cohen

     As a spiritual seeker a lifelong direction I aim for is to simply be fully present in my moments and in turn my life. To observe our lives without adding on mental drama or without checking out is a path to deepening self awareness. And it is with clear eyed self awareness that we become more helpful to our fellow man and more connected to God. So let's take a look at the three major distractions that pull us out of our moments and see where we can perhaps refine our thoughts and actions. I know I could use work in all three areas: desire, aversion and simply checking out.

     There is a method of trapping monkeys in which the trapper uses a basket as a trap. There is a small hole in the side of the basket allowing a monkey to reach in and grab the tempting fruit left as bait. All the monkey needs to do to be free again is to unclench its fist and drop the fruit. But mostly the monkeys hold onto the fruit for dear life until they are captured. The call of desire has a strong hold on all creatures, man and monkey. Healthy desire can lead us down wonderful roads of spiritual exploration and desire can literally create life. Our desires can also be destructive distractions. Like all mental and emotional states,  as it arises desire must be mindfully explored and then either acted upon or released. Inflamed unchecked desires will lead us away from living presently and the objects of our desires will ironically become less obtainable the more we crave them. We must hold our fruit lightly knowing when to let it drop back into the basket. When desire rears her head feel it is your body. Does it manifest in clenched hands or perhaps a tensed jaw? Many people express desire with a simple leaning forward of the torso. Finding it and softening it in your body is a first step to softening it in your mind and spirit.

     There is another side to the coin of desire: aversion. Aversion equally has the power to tear us away from presence and peace. Unlike desire which most often manifests locally in the body, aversion has a tendency to tense  up our whole body and interfere with smooth breathing. Our mind darts around looking for escapes and our awareness is wholly invested in leaving a situation or person. This is a shame because the aversions we carry are potentially rich areas of personal growth if we can be compassionately present with them. Almost always an aversion we have to another person is a reflection of where we could refine ourselves.  Like desire,  aversion can be a healthy tool alerting us to situations that are potentially harmful and like desire,  aversions must be gently examined and perhaps acted upon.  Sometime the aversion tells us not to drink the spoilt milk but sometimes the aversion is mirroring a darkness in us. We must be curious and friendly as we apply awareness to aversions rather than assuming and judgmental.

     Along with desire and aversion the third monkey trap that can steal our awareness is simply becoming numb or checking out, mostly manifesting as lethargy or mindless busyness. There are a thousand ways to check out some benign and others down right dangerous. Technology over use, addictions, focusing too much on others, worry and anxiety are common monkey traps. I know when I watch a 30 minute show on my iPad I feel like I have taken a healthy break but when those minutes turn into hours I have crossed the threshold to numbness. When we recognize that we have numbed,  a good technique to apply is a simple body scan. Our bodies bring us back to present when our minds have torn us away.What distracts you? Anxiety and worry may not feel numb but they are distractions from the now. There is a fine line between being "in flow" and being "checked out" and this line is one we all must measure for ourselves. Do your downtime activities leave you nourished or numbed? In short when we are stimulated by desire or aversion or numbed and distracted we are not fully living our lives, however we can use these monkey traps as tools to awaken  when we approach them skillfully. So, here's to the journey into Inner Space to connect to our Highest Selves, it truly is the journey of a lifetime.

Truth with a Capital T

    It is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so. 

William Shakespeare

  Every moment we are faced with choices to interpret our immediate circumstances as good or bad, negative or positive. We can be aggravated we are doing dishes or grateful for the hot water and soap. Really our lives are viewed through layers of thought that shape our perception. Right now I can be frustrated with my fuzzy winter hair or grateful that I have hair. I can assume that my business is growing so slowly because "everybody hates me, nobody loves me and I should go eat worms" or I can be grateful that it is growing and grateful that I have a job in the exact field I want to be in. I can notice my husbands sweet smile or the stain on his shirt.  Every moment is a choice to be light or to continue to wallow in darkness. "Choose this day whom you will serve" is a common statement in Judeo-Christian literature. So will I serve my best self and continue to refine my thoughts or will I bow down to darkness? Probably like you: a little of both.
    
     On one level we all know how important our thoughts are. They really do create your life or at least your perception of your life. But on the other hand most of us do not apply as much effort to examining our thoughts as we do choosing our clothes. One of my favorite meditation teachers Tara Brach says that we are mostly lost in a "trance of thought". My most favorite meditation Teacher ever, Jesus, says to "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind". I have a vivid memory of a scene about 20 years ago. I was walking my dog on a sunny day in our quiet Florida neighborhood and from out of nowhere I had the strong thought "How do people even begin to control their minds?" Before this exact moment mental management was not even a concept on my radar. I just assumed that our toddler like minds had complete control to fill our heads with random thoughts.

     So fast forward 20 years and I am enlightened, or not haha. But I do now know a good place to begin to train your minds. In Philippians 4:8 we are instructed to think about certain things the first of which is to have "true" thoughts. What, you assumed that just because you had a thought that it that it was true? Yea, so did I years ago. But Truth is a very subjective subject. Some people insist that if something is perceivable with their senses it is true. But what about the story of the blind men who feel different ends of the elephant? The one man "knew" that he was feeling a tree trunk the other "knew" that he was feeling a snake. Our senses may or may not be leading our minds to think true thoughts.
     I have found that in general any thought that begins with "always or never" is usually not true. Any thought about yourself that you are too much or not enough is generally not true. Any thought about another persons feelings, motivations or intentions is surely not true as we can't know the depths of any human but ourselves. I find it helpful when a thought has an emotional charge to simply stop and consider "Is this thought true?". Someone insults you and you think "what a jerk" and that thought leads you to tense your shoulders and tensing your shoulders leads you to feeling stressed. STOP, rewind ... was the original statement an insult  or an observation? Was the original statement a reflection of the speaker or the hearer? Was the original statement true or not? If it was true then do something about it and if it was not true why are you insulted at all? There are very few absolute truths in this life, truth with a capital T if you will. But this I believe is one: Our thoughts make us move toward light and love or fear and darkness so it is valuable to consider if they are even true. This is one step towards beginning your mental transformation. Not the only step or the only way but perhaps it is a way that will serve to launch your meditation practice as it did mine. Think about what you're thinking about today. Is it true?

Breathing In Breathing Out

Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.

Thích Nhất Hạnh
 

      In the ebb and flow of life when challenging circumstances arise I tend to return to the basics of my yoga and meditation practice. So in week 2 of my federally unemployed husbands "vacation" combined with a super slow week at Quiet and a silly head cold I have really pared down my practice to a few sun salutations and the Breathwords mantra "Breathing In/Breathing Out".So these past two weeks my meditation has been simply to sit and watch my breathing body as I think the words "breathing in and breathing out" with each breath. I anticipated this practice to kind of be a "place holder" to allow me to not lose too much ground in my inner spiritual work while I deal with worldly problems. Instead the beautiful simplicity of the practice has really reinforced a few lessons I need to remember all the time.

     First, when things go awry like most people I tend to write stories. A simple example is instead of just noticing the car that cut me off on the highway I would write a story in my head about the driver that went something like "this person must be an entitled ass who doesn't care about my life". In reality there are a 1000 possibilities why they cut me off, Perhaps they simply didn't see me and they are not actually an evil villain. Writing stories while comforting in the moment just tend to exacerbate the situation inflaming emotions and hooking out minds into unhealthy patterns. So, this week in dealing with a challenge before I could begin my story I asked myself what was actually true and the only truth I could find in the moment was that I was "breathing in and breathing out". What a relief to release the need to write a novella about a small annoyance and instead just carry on with breath.

     The second lesson I re-remembered was what my actual to do list contains: breathing!  Sometime building a small business catapults me into frantic "to do" mode. I would have more students if I did this or did that I tell myself sternly. Just go market a little more and all will be well a little voice in my head offers up non helpfully. Well, while it is important to take care of the business in front of us it is not helpful to load ourselves down with to do lists long enough to choke the life out of us. So what is it that we really need to do today? You guessed it "breathing in and breathing out". But I have to go to work and cook dinner for my children you argue. No you don't. You either need to do these things OR suffer the consequences of not doing them and while unemployment and hungry kids may be ugly consequences I will still argue that you do not NEED to do these things. Simplify by remembering that all you have to do today is breath and make everything else optional. This will expand your breathing space big time.

     The third thing I remembered with my simple mantra was that every breath we take is taken in present moment. While our minds ping around temporally and emotionally our breathing body is always in present moment. So when I notice this breath in this moment I don't have mental space for romanticizing the past or catastrophizing the future. When we notice the present moment we notice  that we are safe and secure in the moment and that our doubts and fears live in the past and future. If you are truly in danger in the present moment you are beyond just noticing it and rather are in flow responding to it. This blog on re-remembering lessons may not be earth shattering news, but I will not write a mental story about how I should have made it more exciting. I will not give myself a to do list of writing a more amazing blog and I will not predict into the future that you read it and yawned. Rather I will "breath in and breath out" and be here in this moment. It may not be my most beautiful moment ever but it is not the ugliest either and remembering that both our joys and sorrows are Gods gifts always makes me breath a little deeper.

You Are the Guru

     "Behold, the kingdom of God is within you"

Luke 17:21

 

     Wouldn't it be nice if our spiritual journeys took us from point A to point B in a nice straight line? And wouldn't it be better yet if a really wise person just pointed us to Point B? One day we wake up and arrive at Point A and we are mature enough to recognize our spirit, the part of us that longs for growth and connection, and we maybe begin our journey by sending up a few prayers or reading a few books hoping for Point B, which is...what? Closer connection to God and what does that even mean? If God is omnipresent as classic religion tells us then how can we get closer than that? Is enlightenment point B? And for God's sake what does that even mean? There's a lot of flowery spiritual language out there but what does it all mean? I like practical stuff that is easy to understand and implement. When someone advises me to manifest something I just want to scream and go to Target where I manifest stuff in exchange for money.

     We know that we are body, mind, spirit creatures responsible for nurturing and growing all parts of us and with body & mind the paths are a little more clear. For the body eat healthy and exercise, right? For the mind we monitor our thoughts and toss out the crappy ones, but how to nurture and grow your spirit is a bit more elusive and metaphysical. Sure it is important to cultivate spiritual habits such as prayer, meditation, time with scripture and like minded people but why?
Is the point to be present in your life or is the point to serve the needs of others? We are told that we are perfect and at the same time to keep improving. We are told that God is Love and the kingdom of God is inside of us and yet we often act hateful. Is the spiritual walk about encompassing duality or realizing that we are all One? What is Point B?

     Every time I have a spiritual growth spurt it seems I end up further from these answers but somehow ironically closer to a peaceful inner life. I am coming to the realization that apparently we are not on a "need to know" basis with God as most of my questions just bring more questions. But here's the thing ... NO ONE knows these answers because each persons life has different meaning and each persons journey is a different winding path. So, a different kind of question: why are there so many spiritual experts out there selling solutions? Because people are desperate for answers and willing to be led. The problem with the "guru" method is that we are giving away our power when we listen to the external voice of another rather than the internal voice of our best self. A little guidance can be helpful but it is not the end of the journey. I don't know the answers to your spiritual questions but I have a clue as to where they are found: inside YOU. And going deep inside yourself is the path to Point B.

     When the mind is quiet and our awareness is planted compassionately in the present moment that is when wisdom arises shining light on our path. We all need a helping hand at some points along the path but ultimately the inner journey is yours to take alone. Stop doubting yourself, stop searching for answers in other people and maybe you will inch towards Point B. If you are reading this blog for answers I am here to tell you there are no external answers there is only an inner journey. Maybe the point of a spiritual life is just to live it and let that be enough.  Maybe our answers aren't found in present moment but the present moment is our answer. Just being here with out distraction is all there is to being with God.  When I was young I thought I knew these answers but now instead I relish the questions. Trust yourself seekers. Other peoples opinions can be the spiritual condiments but you will find your nourishment when you listen to that "still small voice" inside.

Goldilocks was not an Austinite

  

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition
Rod Serling

      Way before I had ever heard the term "middle ground" I got one of my best lessons on the concept by simply growing up in Austin, Texas.  Every part of the world has strengths and weaknesses that help shape its peoples and one of the strengths of my hometown is nurturing creativity and individualism and I am nourished and grateful for that prevailing attitude in Austin. Unfortunately the flip side of that quality is a quietly unspoken pressure to "be cool". Hip people rule the world is the message I got growing up here, if your not cool you better move to Kansas. My apologies to Kansas, I just had to pick somewhere! So as a dutiful Austinite in my late teens early 20's I did my best to adopt a façade of cool. Pricey clothes that looked cheap paired with the very slightest of sneers usually did the trick. The pressure to both "be in the know" and at the same time not give a damn was a fine line to walk for many a maturing Austinite. My natural personality is one of connecting to people rather than lording my coolness over them and very soon after cultivating my coolness I was tired of pretending. So I started thinking about what cool was and what it wasn't, well it wasn't "hot". At this point please remember I was a young young woman thinking through these issues. So, thinking about what was "hot" brought images of miniskirt wearing divas with sultry eyes to my young mind and I knew that I neither wanted to be cool or hot anymore and I set out to develop a "warm" personality. Ahhhh, welcome to the search for "middle ground" young Signe.

     Fast forward with me 25 or so years and here I am still searching for that middle ground. Scripture tells us that in our journey we are to "neither look left or right" but to keep our eyes on our path.  I do believe our paths are right on the middle ground where we are applying right efforts to our lives. If we are working our fingers to the bone or thinking to the point of rumination we are on one side of the path. If we are ignoring problems, sweeping dust under the rug, or generally slothful that is the other side of the path. But planting our feet firmly on our path requires right effort. Because I have an extra hard head that lessons often need to pounded into God has led me to work on handstand. Ok, now for some more perspective, I am middle aged now and trying to throw my ass over my head! So, of course, the other day I found myself alternating between kicking up so hard I could knock the wall down and alternately pathetically hopping up like a grasshopper in hospice. Neither action led to success in my activity. Our spiritual walks require the same middle ground idea. If we pursue God desperately and nonstop we are in danger of becoming more desperate and burned out. How many times in scripture does God call us to "be still" to rest? A lot! Then, in contrast,  if we bring not much effort our spiritual walks we reap the corresponding results of not much relationship to the Divine.

     We must take care to grow alternating with periods of rest and trust. This applies to every single area of our lives. My husband wants my attention, just not too much of it or his personal space feels encroached upon. My kitchen needs cleaning but scrubbing grout on my hands and knees for hours will just make me never want to clean it again.(at least this is my theory!) I have spent years on my yoga mat noticing when I am trying too hard and when I am lazy in my activity and I notice that I am not alone in vacillating between too much effort and not enough. But, the thing is, it is the steady effort of middle ground that leads us where we are going whether it is towards a clean kitchen or a handstand. So, in my journey towards middle ground I am learning to "be warm" with myself. It is crucial for us to be supportive of our own efforts to grow, to encourage ourselves like we would a good friend. Practice isn't just for yoga, it's for life and our practice should include a middle ground relationship with ourselves. Have you heard the expression  "a narcissist with self esteem issues" this is not middle ground. We must come to know our true selves with compassion, patience and love.
    
     So, in all my actions from prayer to sweeping to spending time in relationship I look for that Goldilocks attitude of not too much and not too little. Perhaps noticing the activities I give "too much" to and moving toward middle ground there will leave me more able to up the ante on activities I  give "too little" to and the seesaw of hot and cool will continue to balance towards warm. I am past trying to look cool and waaay past wanting to be hot so I will feel my feet and come to my body as they step lightly on the path of middle ground. Will you journey with me on the path of middle ground? Will you take time to notice how you allocate your energy and mindfully balance it out to the best of your current ability and then "be still" with me as God takes care of the rest? I hope your day is neither too hot or too cold, but just a Goldilocks kinda perfect!