Enslaved No More

     "It is for freedom that I have set you free." These words in the New Testament have never been particularly clear to me. I am happy to be free but what exactly does that even mean? With the exception of incarceration most people in this country are thankfully free to come and go as they please. Free to chose wise choices or spend their days watching daytime television with a bag of Cheetos on their laps. On the surface of our lives we all appear to be free. But in this season of Passover as I think about freedom my mind goes to the people who aren't free and what that means.
At the very most basic level a loss of freedom means constriction (jail cell) or tightness and freedom means space and expansiveness. So, as I do in my search for embodied spirituality I turn to my body for answers.

     The areas where we hold tension are areas where we are metaphorically enslaving ourselves.
The clenched jaw does not allow our words to be free, the tight neck does not allow the chest muscles to soften and free the heart. Where we clench we stop our life force from flowing freely. We lose our freedom.

     One of my favorite meditation techniques is Breathwords. In this simple techniques you reign in the mind by repetitively thinking one word as you inhale and another as you exhale. for example inhale thinking "peace" exhaling thinking "health", really any life affirming words will work. This gives the mind boundaries to become stiller allowing us to tap into our inner quiet. So this week I have been combining the breathwords "Be free" with body awareness. Every time I inhale I think the word "Be" and let my attention rest on my feet or face, but it is the exhales that are amazing me. With every exhale as I think the word "free" I find an area of tension to release. The more fluidity and softness I find in my body through this technique the more expansiveness I feel in my spirit. I have been doing this on and off the mat. You can do it anywhere really.

So this week just a short blog to share what I am up to. Something simple, yet profound as I continue to seek out areas where I have enslaved my body with tension and loosen the shackles the freedom is ever increasing in my heart and mind.

So how about it? Wanna "Be/Free" with me? Try this simple technique and you may be surprised as you find new levels of freedom.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery

Galatians 5:1

One year later

     Today I really don't have any grand plan for writing something helpful, no story that will neatly illustrate a usable lesson for you. I have had a hard time blogging lately because I have been having a hard time in general and I don't want a whiny blog, but there it is. life has it's ups and downs, doesn't it? Yoga for me is acknowledging the brightness in dark moments and remembering in moments of joy that they can be fleeting. The life we attempt to flow in is made much smoother by not fighting the currents. When the current gets rough and threatens to smash us against a rock that is ironically the time to relax a little to soften the blow, but when we hit a smooth patch where the sun warms us as we drift lazily, well we need to make a choice to swim a little in order to keep moving.
I forget this and in life when struggles come up I tend to struggle more and when things are easy sometimes I forget to swim and begin to slowly sink until losing my breath reminds me to move.

     Today is the one year anniversary of my studio, Quiet. The one year anniversary of throwing myself off the deep end, officially linking my spiritual and professional journeys. 365 days and each one a mini adventure in soothing sorrow, taming pride, falling down, getting up. Adventures in being amazed at the students who teach me, being grateful for the times a lesson I have shared has helped someone along their path. Even now a year later it doesn't quite feel "right" to call the people who come to Quiet students. We are co-learners/seekers walking a slow but steady path. It is a simple path but not an easy one. The path to victory passes through many gates of surrender. Some surrenders are easy: release that posture when your breath grows jagged and your limbs shake. Some surrender is harder, surrendering the need to be right is a good one. Some surrenders are perplexing. This year I hear God whispering to me to "surrender my image" and I don't even know what that means. But all surrender is made easier to realize we are surrendering our will to a loving, omnipotent and benevolent God who "works all things together for our good". That has been the one steady constant through the ups and downs of this year. God's goodness which shines down on us like the rays of the sun. Not dependant on my behavior, the sun keeps shining on the best and the worst of us.

     One of the more recent shifts God has given me at Quiet is realizing that the traits that we assign to God are the traits that we will subconsciously grow in ourselves. Recently I taught a class themed on dealing with suffering and the next day I broke out in a painful itchy head to toe rash. For the first few days I thought "well, God allowed this rash to emphasize the lesson I had taught". Kind of a subtle way to label God "mean". But through prayer and time I realized that maybe God had used the suffering class to prepare me for what He knew was coming. Wow, much nicer of the great I AM!
So what would I believe? I rooted out some deeply hidden belief that God was just a little harsh (head to toe rash?!) and returned to the belief that God is with us and guiding us and preparing us for all things. I will continue to examine what I really think of Gods character as I continue to walk the Quiet path. I have learned this year that a teacher doesn't really "tell students stuff" but rather leads them to their own wisdom. So I am going to go meditate now and not try to tell myself how this first day of my second year will go but rather I will go sit and listen and enjoy the waters of life.

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me

Psalm 42:7

Pillars of the Path

     I have never really understood the seemingly contradictory ideas in Christianity that God wants everyone to be with Him and sent Jesus for the benefit of the whole world. But then there is alot of emphasis on "the path" being narrow. I know I am supposed to believe that the narrow path means that only those who repeat the words "I accept Christ as my saviour" will be the ones with God in Heaven. This does not settle well in my heart. Either God loves the whole world or He waits for us to mutter this phrase then we're in. Nope not buying it anymore. My God is bigger than that, big enough to love everyone who seeks Him whether that seeking takes them to mass or to temple, to a remote mountain or a sweaty yoga class. I believe that everyone who is seeking God is called by God. And while my path is to follow Jesus both as a saviour and also as a darn good role model I respect it when you faithfully walk your path. So what's up with the emphasis on a "narrow path"?

       Well, I believe the path is even narrower than we imagine. That the path to spiritual growth can only be found in this second. Remembering yesterday and predicting/planning tomorrow may have their uses but spiritual growth is found in the here and the now. In Thessalonians 5:17 God tells us to pray "without ceasing". This seemingly impossible direction is made a lot more accessible when we begin to work with using the breath to bring us into present moment awareness. At any moment in your life no matter where you are you can stop and notice your breath. And when you consider that it is with one big inhale that our earthly life beings and one last exhale that changes our form then this breath in this moment can become a holy prayer and we pray without ceasing. One of the two nonnegotiable pillars of a healthy spiritual path then I contend is Present Moment Awareness. The good news about this is that awareness (being awake to spiritual truth in this moment) is cumulative. I started my awareness journey years ago by meditating 3 minutes a day and while I slowly added on to my seated meditation time over the years the more important fact is that those mere 3 minutes began to lead to moments of awareness in daily life. This is not unusual, it is just how it works. You introduce mindfulness to your life in any amount and it begins to grow and wonderfully infect all areas of your life. Jesus was an awesome meditator and He tells us to follow Him. A quick online Bible search turns up 25 instances of us being told to meditate in the old and new testaments. So what are you waiting for? Don't just sit there and do nothing:meditate!

     The second nonnegotiable pillar of human evolution is compassion. Remember the answer to the question "What is the greatest commandment?" "To love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as you love yourself". So what if you don't like yourself? What if you hate your neighbor? Well, these are just emotions and all emotions are just thoughts that we have written a story about. Compassion has very little to do with emotion! Compassion is cultivating a friendly open curiosity towards yourself, God and people. Compassion is listening to someone without writing a story about their story. Compassion is noticing when our own behaviours disappoint us and sitting with that disappointment without judgement. Compassion is simultaneously saying no to our ego and not demonizing itbut remembering that we must love all parts of our self.
Who is more compassionate the person who writes you a love poem or the person that listens to your worst sins and still walks by your side without judgement? Can we be this person for ourselves? I find that when I am teaching a class if I have prepared for it with a self compassion moment the people in the room seem softer and more open. If I am compassionate with myself as I grocery shop sometimes a person will make bright and loving eye contact or the checker may sense the compassion waving off you and stop for a deep breath.

     So no matter your path, your religion or your spiritual practices are you will find that the twin pillars of Presence and Compassion are the legs that walk you down that path. I love this because these two holy states are available to us always and everywhere. Maybe three minutes is too much for you today, how about three breaths? Maybe self compassion is overwhelming and too uncomfortable to consider right now. How about cultivating compassion for your ceaselessly beating heart or your hardworking feet? There is a seed of Presence and Compassion available for you to grow in every moment. And when your present moment life begins to unfold before you, you discover the truth of Acts 17:28 "for in Him we live and move and have our being" . You are never alone but rather surrounded by Loving Presence. When your compassion begins to mature it makes your easy moments sweeter and your challenging moments softer.

When you learn self compassion you are Love; When you cultivate Presence you are living in Love.

Let's begin here.

Let's begin now.

Thy Kingdom Come

     When I take to my mat with my highest intention it is always to connect to God. Sometimes, of course, I do yoga for other reasons, but the deepest desire of my life and practice is to be more intimate with God and to allow the man made separations between us to dissolve like the illusions that they are. So it was,  that I found myself practicing my asanas (postures) to the mantra (chant) of the Lord's prayer. This is the prayer in which Jesus models how to pray. Of course we aren't to just blindly parrot His words but to use the Lords Prayer as a template to go deeper. It begins cordially enough acknowledging God "Our Father Who art in heaven" acknowledging that even His name is holy "hallowed be Thy Name". But then the first direction it gives us to pray is "Thy kingdom come". If this is something that is important for us to pray I want to know why.  What is God's kingdom? How do we make it come? I have lots of questions that wikipedia doesn't necessarily cover! Here's the answer I am exploring at the moment. Romans 14:17 "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking but a matter of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit". So, most of us get that our food choices are linked to health and ethics but not really a huge factor in our God relationship. If we are eating spiritually the only command we are given is to not be a glutton and to not let our food choices stumble others. So, being a proactive person, I'll move on to the "doing part"... I want to be righteous and peaceful and joyful if this is how God is calling us to bring His kingdom. But how?

     Righteousness is simple. Not easy, but simple. Righteousness comes from hearing the Word. What this means is to simply know the rules and laws of your chosen faith structure and follow them. If you wanna be a righteous citizen follow the laws of the land you live in and if you want to be righteous in God's eyes, follow His commandments. So to this end I am recommitting to daily time in the Bible. I have not allowed my daily quiet time to lapse, but sometimes I just read an inspirational book or meditate and it is not sufficient to be righteous. If you want to be a righteous Muslim, read your Koran, if I want to be a righteous version of myself I gotta get into the scriptures I was born into: the Judeo Christian Bible. Don't just expect God's laws to soak into your psyche, study!

     Peace, again simple in concept, peace may take a lifetime to become a constant reality in our lives. To the best of my current understanding, peace is uncovered in us when we are satisfied that what is happening in the present moment is God's will for us. And if we subscribe to God's omnipotence (which I do) then every moment and every space is occupied and under the command of God. So we may not like what is happening in a moment but that does not mean we cannot accept it as His will. Accepting Gods will is not resigning to pain and miserable moments, but rather knowing God is with us in all of our moments the ones we label good and the ones that hurt our heart. When pain comes, we can struggle and moan and potentially exacerbate our pain, or we can accept it is under Gods control and turn to prayer for direction and comfort.

     Joy is the quality I am most actively exploring right now. Joy in the Holy Spirit seems to emanate from a renewed mind. A mind that is placed on God and His word. A mind not allowed to run amuck, but rather a mind that is examined, cleansed and mostly controlled. I have been watchful of my thoughts and beginning to recognize unhealthy ones as they begin. We all have joyless thoughts, they just happen but what are you going to do with them? The first thing God tells us to do with our thoughts is to examine if they are true. Are you really a hopeless loser or is this thought a lie? Are your thoughts lovely? If your thought is not true it must be replaced immediately with a true thought. for example  "I am a loser" can be replaced with " I am a cherished child of God".God calls us to true, lovely, noble, pure,  good and kind thoughts. A tall order, I know, but an achievable one with time, diligence and persistence. And it is when we line our thoughts up with God that we are joyful in the Holy Spirit. Joy is not found outside of you, but uncovered as you slowly allow your mind to be transformed. So, there it is: righteousness, peace and joy! And just like we are to take to our mat daily if we want to rock those yoga postures we need to work our righteousness, peace and joy daily if we want to be a part of "Thy kingdom come". It is my joy to walk with you fellow child of God as we go deeper this year. Happy 2013!

Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Mark 10:15

Let's Be Friends

     Like most people, I have had lots of good times, travels to far away lands and parties full of vibrant people have added fun and flavor. I have sat down to thousands of delicious meals and been on the receiving end of many a great massages. And for all of these moments I am grateful, they are the icing on the cake of  life. However eating just icing quickly leaves you malnourished and even hungrier. Nourishment comes from connection, a tree to the soil, a baby to it's mothers breast. Connection to our inner lives, connection to other people who are light for us and mostly connection to God are what feed us. And that is why I am more grateful for all the times in my life I have labeled as "bad" and "hard". The times addiction spiraled out of control, the times I left restraint behind and allowed my anger free reign. The times I felt sufficient pain to venture into that dark room in my soul are the times that ironically led me to a more self nourishing place. A place of connection to true self. If the good times had been a constant I would have never met the pain that led me to the best times. The times of connection and deep soul satisfaction were birthed in pain. So I humbly thank that pain.

     For years when I would feel pain part of me would recognize that I was in a dark place and that I needed to do something about it. But not having acquired many tools I tried to banish the darkness in my soul by willing it to go away or perhaps cussing it or perhaps talking about it with a friend or therapist, fighting darkness with darkness. Not realizing that my pain could lead me closer to God I would cry out for comfort and relief. But here's the lesson I am sure many of you learned long ago, darkness cannot banish darkness. When I will myself to be better because I don't like who I am I am only adding darkness to darkness heaviness to heaviness and clothing my soul with muddy shoes that make it harder to travel. Self loathing leads to self loathing which leads to dark behaviours which leads to self loathing...an endless spiral into darkness which can seem pretty overwhelming. But here's the awesome part: all it takes to banish darkness is one tiny little speck of light. Even a glimpse of self compassion lights up a soul enough that the darkness fades. It took me a long time to quit fighting my dark side. It felt scary and defeatist to do so. It felt like if I stopped the struggle to be good I would cycle down into being completely bad. But when I stopped the struggle, well the struggle stopped. And when the struggle stops we can reallocate our energy towards tending the spark to light the candle of our souls. To stop begging God for relief and begin appreciating the Infinite Love of the Divine. To rest... Our culture doesn't support this much, rather we are encouraged to "fight the good fight", to "suck it up" to "just do it". All of these attitudes have a time and a place but for the tender work of soul healing they aren't particularly useful.

     Rather bringing light to my dark soul has looked a little more like a warm fuzzy hug and a little less like fisticuffs. I needed to make a new friend and that friend was me. Thinking about the qualities I value in a friend (kindness, honesty, humor) gave me clues as to how to begin to treat myself. And as I nurtured this new little friendship with myself I barley noticed as the internal darkness turned to grey then slowly began fading into light. When I quit fighting, I began winning. "The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still" Exodus 14:14. Today I remind myself what I value in a friend and I endeavour to apply those qualities to my own internal relationship. I stop beating at the darkness and instead reach for a light. The spark in my soul is lit by kindness, nourished with love and sustained by an awesome new friend I have in me. Is it time you made a new friend in you?  Become your own advocate and enjoy the bright flowers the spring up in the soil of your soul. Whatever you do today do it with an attitude of kindness towards yourself, a little patience for yourself and loving words to yourself and you will make a friend to last a lifetime!

Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom....

Marcel Proust

Let Your (Christmas) Light Shine

     I wonder how many more outraged and sad conversations I will have this year with people about Christmas being ruined by either a) commercialism b) atheists or c) politically correct people insisting on "Happy Holidays. Not many I hope because, yogis, let's face it nothing can ruin the holidays for you like your own judgement and dissatisfaction. Every time you say Merry Christmas and someone answers Happy Holidays you can choose to let yourself bristle at their audacity of taking Christ out of Christmas. After all Christmas is not Christmas without Christ, right? But did you know the origin of the word Holiday is Holy Day? And when someone wishes you Happy Holidays they can be simply reminding you that we do take time out at the end of December to celebrate a few Holy Days. We should not allow semantics to cause us pain or create distance and judgement. If we want to be holy we have to love God and if we want to love God we have to love His creation and sometimes His creation takes the form of challenging people who don't think like you do.

     I loved finding out about the origin of the word holiday, it made me feel like I had a warm fuzzy secret everytime someone wished me Happy Holidays. But I have to admit to you that until Christmas 2010 I was also one of those railing against the commercialization of Christmas. I let my holiday spirit be eclipsed by preThanksgiving Christmas merchandise in the stores and I felt so righteous in my anger against devilish retailers out to "ruin my Christmas". It feels good to be self righteous sometimes, doesn't it?  However, like a bird, I am easily distracted and attracted to shiny things and it brings me much joy to see the lights adorning everything this time of year.
Being half Jewish we also celebrate Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights. So one night walking the hood checking out the lights I started to ponder all the lights, the purpose of the lights, the cross cultural desire for lights, the brightly lit malls, and Griswold style houses of some of my neighbors. What is it with humans and winter and lights? I don't think we desire lights at all, rather I now see a universal longing for Light. The Light of God connecting us to one another can never be outshone by a million twinkling Christmas lights. The Light of God shining through us in the form of a smile, a hug, a helping hand can never be replaced by mulitcolored bulbs.

     This universal desire for connection and growth is there year round but during the winter season we express our desire for Light literally with lights. So when I see a retailer pushing an early Christmas season now I remember they too are searching for light. They may be confused in thinking that money and sales will bring Light into their lives but still I remember the human desire for Light is being played out with their awkward displays. A neighbors over the top light display is just another cry for Light and connection. A parents desperate search for a popular toy is the really the quest for the Light of their childs smile. This desire for Light is not a JudeoChristian phenomenon nor even an exclusively theistic desire. It is a human desire to live in Light and the more I can see through the big crass Christmas displays to the quiet yearnings of the soul the more I can focus on being light for someone else this year. The next time someone starts to complain about the downfall of Christmas I am ready with my answer. I am going to ask them two things : what they like about the season (let's refocus) and how they plan on being light for someone else this Season (let's quit complaining and start doing).
    
     So Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays bring on the lights the glitz the crass commercialization so we can remember to be a light for someone else. Being a light in this dark and (supposed to be) cold season has nothing to do with Black Friday or getting that perfect toy. Rather light can shine from a genuine smile, from a moment of presence and awareness as we gift someone our ear. Light can emanate from us as we find our calm and eternal center and operate from our core rather than continuing to squawk about how other people are ruining Christmas. So this season I remember that it is alright to go see the lights but it is far better to Be the Light and I will use every display and every obnoxious chipmunk song  to remind myself this over and over. Nothing wrong with presents it's just that the true gift is presence. Nothing wrong with hanging lights it's just better to Be A LIGHT!!

"But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and
more unto the perfect day. The way of the wicked is as darkness:
they know not at what they stumble."
Proverbs 4:18-19

Hungry Girl Healing Story

      I remember feeling so hungry and bleak a hunger that had nothing to do with a growling stomach or a need for nutrition. I was just soul hungry and I chose to answer that need with grilled cheese. So I made a sandwich and then another and another until I had compulsively, mindlessly and joylessly shoved seven grilled cheese sandwiches into my suffering body making it a matching set with my suffering soul. My history with food has not been a pretty one. I had alternately practiced binge eating and bulimia for most of my teens and young 20's and I was a dangerous combination of an unhealthy body mind and spirit. But this is not a story about then; this is a story about now. Now I eat when I am physically hungry, stop when I am full,  enjoy a variety of foods with a healthy appreciation and my only limits on food are that I must obey God in eating. So what does that mean and how did I get there? Here is my healing story.

      My story begins way before I will begin here, but I do try to keep my posts to one page! So today it begins at a diner in Nashville over pancakes with girlfriends. I had recently had a soul awakening that led me to bow at the feet of Jesus acknowledging Him as saviour and this led me into sweet relationship with God. I had seen the directive in scripture to not be gluttonous but I had no idea where to begin. Thankfully God had a plan! Enjoying my pancakes I made a casual statement to one of my friends  "I love pancakes" I gushed.  As soon as this observation had passed my lips I felt a heaviness in my soul and as clearly as I have ever hear the Holy Spirits whisper I heard "Do you? Do you LOVE them?". The question stopped me dead in my tracks. Did I understand love? How was it that I loved food? Thankfully I was dining with girlfriends in Nashville because we were at a woman's conference on God and food. That weekend God showed me that I had made food into a false idol that I turned to for comfort and I left the conference armed with a book on how to give my food to God. First there is a fast where we wait for hunger. True stomach hunger not emotional hunger was what I was searching for. The fast part was not that hard, self deprivation is a buddy to self loathing which is a pal to binging. I had a whole family of neurosis living in my hungry belly. So I fasted until my stomach was clearly hungry.
    
      The next part was harder: identify fullness, this part was horrifying because I was supposed to allow myself to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and that to a rapidly expanding fairly vain young woman was a terrifying proposition. The idea is that denial makes desire stronger and sure enough after a week or two of binging on all my favorite foods I woke up definitely craving vegetables. The next part while simple enough took almost a year to come to pass. We were to ask God before every meal to tell us when to stop. I had muffled Gods voice around this issue so much that about a year into repeating this request when I had the fork halfway to my mouth and I heard the still small voice of God whisper "stop" I just froze from surprise. Then I finished eating. Months passed with God whispering "stop" when I was full and me putting down the fork about 10% of the time, then 20%, then 30%, then...well you get the picture. This dance lasted for quite sometime until God got it into my head that nothing tastes as good as fellowship with His Spirit. That peace does not come from mashed potatoes and soul hunger is never satisfied with one grilled cheese. I generally blog about where I would like to go with God (deeper and deeper) but this Thanksgiving season soon after facing another Thanksgiving meal, but this time without dread but instead with true joy I just wanted to take a minute to thank God for where He has already brought me.. This was about a two year healing process, nothing instant or miraculous. Just a repetition of practicing surrender, falling down over and over and God picking me up over and over. I brought to the table a willingness to try to obey God and God brought everything else. Today it is nearly unthinkable to continue eating past my "stop signal" not because I am scared of getting fat or because I live under a vengeful God who will punish me for disobedience. But I cannot bring myself to continue past stop because God has showered me with an eternal love that is soul satisfying and unlike grilled cheese God is faithful and loving and completely soul satisfying. Why would I want to endanger this relationship for a sandwich, no matter how gooey?

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest

Matthew 11:28