It Depends

      Here's the thing that would make me crazy.Or should I say here's A thing that would make me crazy? So many opportunities to hop on the crazy train!! But I digress, so here's my story. I was in a yoga training a few years ago with a teacher I greatly admired in so many ways but who would answer a great deal of our questions with a confounding "it depends".  Now, I have been programmed with alot of "whys" and in a family and culture that values knowledge it can be an ego bender to admit " I don't know" and  "it depends" has a whiff of  the same dangerous vulnerability.  Also, like many people I like neat and tidy answers, resolved questions, and concrete certainty. "It depends" was not an answer that left me feeling warm and tingly but rather a little off kilter. At the very least weren't we paying for rock solid answers? Perhaps she not know the answers, I groped in the darkness for certainty to wrap around my shivering ego. Or perhaps she was just trying to make us think for ourselves? There had to be a reason this smart woman kept answering "it depends" Thoughts tumbled like agitated marbles upon hearing "it depends" so many often when I was craving a solid 2+2 =4.

     "It depends" was simply not an acceptable answer to me at the time. But  how quickly times do change! Fast forward to this morning and I am reviewing a lengthy email response  I wrote to a students question when I notice I really could just sum up my answer in two words: "It depends"! The thing is, I wasn't trying some teaching technique in the email,  the answer just really was "it depends". And although answering  "it depends" made the ground shake ever so slighly it was ok to not have a rock solid answer to stand on. I gave the same answer to a yoga student last week asking for definitive permanent alignment directions. Alignment can depend on the postural intention, the personal body structure which subtly changes pretty much continuously, the therapeutic needs, alignment can depend on the moment. So, once again "it depends" was the answer. Sometimes a definitive answer shuts down exploration while "it depends" can fan curiosities flames.

     The thing is, so many times when I have given an "authoritative" and definitive answer to someone about their yoga journey not long after other alternative answers have presented themselves. There are infinite ways to move and live and breath. When we clutch at the certainty and permanence of our beliefs we are stifling our growth. Just when we know we are right is when we often become wrong. So, "it depends", really is the very best answer in so many circumstances.  "It depends", says I am open to evolving circumstances. "it depends" says I may have some information, but I don't have all the information. "It depends" leaves spaciousness for change and growth. Your answer today may not work for you tomorrow. "It depends" allows us to surf the currents of life unencumbered with the certainty of our rightness massaging the ego. Buoyant with curiosity and humility ironically we are made stronger in embracing our vulnerability.

     Recently I choose to take a break in my pursuit of happiness to just be happy. Well, now I am taking a break in my relentless pursuit of answers to be present in the moment to let the answers unfold. To let knowledge whisper to my soul rather than allow certainty to crush the tender flower growing in my heart. The answers presenting themselves as I stop pretending I know all the options. The path to our best self is anchored by curiosity and humbleness. The more you think you know the less you know. The ironies of life bursting open with a sweet richness. Shedding the fear of not knowing and embracing the truth of "it depends" we open to the lessons of the moment. And ironically in perceived weakness there is found enduring strength.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness

2 Cor 12:9

The Secret Location of Inner Peace Revealed!

     I watched as look of disbelief tinged with disgust flickered across a students face. She had paid for a side of wisdom and peace with her yoga and, by God, I as the teacher had better say something profound and fast! I had just shared with the class something I meant from the bottom of my heart, that I wasn't offering them wisdom but rather offering a safe space and silence in which their own inner wisdom could begin to be revealed. Why was it so hard for this yogi to believe she had something wise and eternal inside her, so hard in fact that the mere suggestion made her jaw clench and her eyes narrow? Why are we so fixated on searching for answers from external sources when we all have a deep well inside of us just waiting to be explored. Inner wisdom is not found at the corner of Guru & Stretchy, but rather it is non cryptically described: INNER wisdom is inside. You. Yes, YOU.

     I have been teaching alot lately on the "greatest commandment " found in several of the gospels. It basically states that you can do nothing more important than loving God and loving your neighbor as you love yourself. I see so many, myself included at times, striving to love God and act lovingly towards our neighbors and entirely skipping over the important "love yourself" component. Loving yourself must include accepting that deep in our spirits peace and wisdom already reside.
 In a conversation about the greatest commandment, Jesus saw that one man really understood loving yourself and Jesus replied to him "You are not far from the kingdom of God". So why was this self loving man closer to Gods kingdom than the man standing right next to him? The man standing next to him was still looking for answers externally. To paraphrase Blaise Pascal , "every human has a God shaped hole inside of them". Every human, not just your minister, rabbi, yoga teacher, therapist or favorite country singer, but every human and that includes you. So this "god shaped hole" the seat of the what yogis call Inner Teacher and Christians call Holy Spirit is where we need to go to grow in faith and wisdom. This "God shaped hole" is partially the kingdom of God and opening up to this wisdom is opening to loving ourselves. It is sadly ironic how far and wide we search for our better selves when everything we need is right here right now. It is as if we traveled the globe searching for our shadow which silently trailed the whole time.
    
    So, why to we wander around so clueless so often? Because we do not allow time and space and silence for our inner wisdom to bloom. But rather we generally look to our minds for answers instead of our spirits. Our minds make wonderful servants but terrible masters and we need to stop letting them lead our lives. Remember your thoughts and emotions are only waves on the surface of the ocean that is you.  But let's not think of this as an "all or nothing" situation. As in I will never find inner peace because I can't go on a silent retreat, or take an hours yoga everyday or live at my church or commune with nature daily. No, stillness is cumulative and carving out a mere 5 minutes a day if done with consistency is enough to begin to reveal the wisdom concealed deep inside you. So perhaps today is the day you stop searching and start sitting. God planted a wonderful treasure inside you, but He planted it deep enough that we must cultivate silence and patience and self love to begin to catch a glimpse of this shiny gem. Somedays we sit and are rewarded with growth and some days we sit and it sucks and we don't like what we see at all. But day by day we sit and one day we realize the brightly shining light is emanating from us.

Be still and know...its a directive not just a sweet quote

Much Ado About Nothing

     This morning I have been thinking about "nothing". Literally, nothing, but not in that Zen "mind like a still lake" kind of nothing, but rather that nothing that Christians sometimes refer to as the "dark night of the soul". The nothing that is the silence of the Divine. The nothing that comes about when your "mountain top" God experiences seem like a dim misty memory. The nothing that comes about when you have not had an "aha" moment or a word from God in what seems like an eternity. Yesterday, I came to Quiet to teach my early evening class and...nothing. Not one student, not one clue from God why, not one hint of direction. Just deafening silence. This has happened  in growing this new business. Thankfully, God has blessed me greatly with a sense of His spirit and I believe myself to be on the path He has for me. However, when I am walking the direction Christ has for me, in the past, I have always felt as if covered with a blanket of holy peace. People would ask me why I thought I knew God's will for my life and I would comfortably refer to the "peace that surpasses understanding" that one may encounter in the Presence of God. But what happens when that peace turns to silence that offers no clues? What about when your prayers seem to drop into a bottomless well with no answer forthcoming?

     I read voraciously and from all different faith traditions, so I cannot properly acknowledge the source of my current comfort,  a quote that states something like  "You are the ocean and your thoughts and emotions are merely waves on the surface." Could it be that all of those "mountain top" encounters with God that swelled my heart in my early spiritual life were merely waves. All of those moments where reverence was so thick it pushed me to my knees, tears of gratitude, sobs of joy: all nothing more than surface waves? Is this nothingness, this silence without end, this vast internal ocean,  is this the Truth? In my early spiritual life God indulged me like a little spoiled child. How many times did God display grand rainbows at the exact moment I needed or orchestrate divine "coincidences" before I would stop looking for His hand of reward and start searching for His heart of eternal vastness? Too many to count! But now, for weeks, I have had no clever statuses to update, no blogs divinely inspired, no yoga practices where the Holy Spirit whispered lovingly into my thirsty soul. Nothing but a silence so thick as to be palpable.

       As God grows my fledgling yoga studio, I have struggled with what to do with the classes where no one comes, the classes of "nothing". I have been gifted time and I intend to honor God with it, but how? Do I practice my own yoga, or is that a diversion? Do I go market and network, or is that desperation? Do I thank God for His perfect plan in an empty class, or does that send some kind of message that I am uninterested in growth?  Do I pray that God fills my classes, or is this repetitive prayer like an annoying ungrateful gnat buzzing the ear of the Divine?  To you, the observer, the lesson in patience may be obvious, the call to rest a no brainer. But to me, the student, I still cast about looking for answers. Thankfully I have a solid 22 years of spiritual pursuit and God has proven that He will never leave and never forsake me. I remember that everything that God does is intended for my good and I sit with nothing. And that nothing feels as if I am adrift on an endless sea of silence, but then I remember what I think and feel are just waves on the surface and I dive down deeper into nothing. Maybe when Peggy Lee sang "Is that all there is?" She was on to something. What if nothing is what there is? What if nothing is enough? What if sitting in the silence and letting it wash over you and not looking for a "sign" is the plan? We are so stimulated now that a blue computer screen or a power outage can feel like a death sentence. But what if nothing is the plan for today? Just to sit on the wire like the trusting sparrow letting nothing be everything. I find comfort sitting in silence with my husband. I don't ask him every few moments to light up the sky in an avowal of love. So perhaps it is time to let God's "nothing" be my everything to sit quietly with the silence knowing God is love and not asking for more. It is a childish faith that needs continual reassurance and petting. Deciding to follow Gods direction was me getting into a boat safely moored. Deciding to follow God when His directions are a mystery shrouded in nothing is like untying that boat and casting off into a vast sea.  But as my eyes slowly adjust to the dim mist I see that nothing truly is everything. And for the moment I sit quietly, completely empty and yet completely full.

"We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust” Rumi writes so beautifully

dare I add... returning to nothingness in a twinkle is our fate. Savoring a moment of nothingness in between is our gift.

To Have a Friend, Be a Friend

     I am sure that there a a thousand blogs out there written by people who have "been there, done that" enlightened Buddhists past any whiff of turmoil, surrendered Christians past any thought of disobedience, perfectly integrated yogis who would never ignore their bodies or breath. This is not that blog! If you are searching for someone to tell you what's it like on the other side of the human chaos keep searching, I am sure they are out there somewhere. Rather here's my mess and my attempts to clean it up. The thing is each persons path is individual and unique, fully their own.  I think in trying to tell other people how to live we impede their growth. I don't believe there is a "right" way to worship or do yoga, but there is your way. Of course, I don't mean that there aren't unsafe ways to practice yoga and less fruitful ways to worship what I am saying is that your path is the best way for you to grow. Be true to yourself , be your own ally. And that brings me in a lengthy round about way to the topic!

  Even though my path is my own I love to learn about others paths and often turn to books. I just finished a super inspirational read called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. The author basically devoted a year of her life to methodically maximize her happiness. Lots of people started their own happiness projects after reading the book, but that just didn't feel right for me. I am already pretty happy and part of that happiness is that sometimes I pretend to be Oscar the grouch and one of my favorite movies is "Grumpy Old Men"! No enhanced happiness for me, thank you! So, I clicked on the next book in my Kindle queue "Developing a Buddha Brain: one thing a time" by Rick Hanson. In the introduction he states that he has divided his book into 52 chapters and eureka! my own year long happiness project is born.

     Week 1: Be your own ally. While I would never consider being mean to a friend, I am often mean to myself so my project is off to a good start! Completely lacking in originality I tie a string around my wrist vowing to use it as a reminder of my  project. Of course, being my own ally I probably shouldn't point out my lack of originality and I certainly wouldn't do that to a friend! So many times this week I have stopped before taking action glanced at said string and asked "am I being my own ally?". Is the act I am getting ready to take in my own best interest? Is the thought I am entertaining nurturing? Am I being my own friend? Now being your own friend is not about being for yourself and against others, it is about being for yourself and for others. This simple act of questioning my self allegiance has actually altered some of my behaviors this week and softened me towards myself . I realize this is just a different way of saying "Love your neighbor as you love yourself". But in examining our thoughts, word and deeds we can ferret out the ones that aren't motivated by self love. So this week I vow to be my own friend, a truth telling, no holds barred tough love friend, a forgiving friend, a friend who doesn't talk behind my own back, a friend who is always there. A friend who is developing a compassionate mind and has 51 more potential blog posts in the process! I believe narcissism is not friendly behavior nor is false modesty. So today as I hang out with my new friend I will remember that with all of her flaws she is perfect, and that includes when she slips into that annoying 3rd person talk!

A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb

Just Do It

     Like so many of you I often find inspiration in diverse sources from Jesus to Tolstoy to Americas Next Top Model, from a little child's wisdom to the kisses my cat gives my dog. Who doesn't love to be inspired? As a matter of fact, many of us are inclined to seek inspiration before action ensues. So here's the thing, every blog post I have written up to this point has stemmed from "inspiration". I am the type prone to bouts of prayer and meditation which often lead to "aha" moments which usually lead to a blog posts... a comfortable cycle. But today completely inspiration free I feel a gentle pull to blog.  But first I go to my knees for some quiet time and "inspiration" and all I hear is the still small voice of our Maker calling me to write. "But what about a topic? What about inspiration?"  I whine feeling a flash of discomfort at the idea of spewing out drivel, yet to disobey that still small voice is not an option and today it says "write". So, today I suppose I take inspiration from Nike and "Just do it".
    
      Alot of activities require applying "Nike inspiration",  dirty dishes in the sink do not wait for us to be inspired, our relationships must be tended to with kindness regardless of our inspiration level. There are so many things we do faithfully just because we think we have to. So why is it that so often activities that feed and grow our inner lives are put off until inspiration strikes? We know we need to meditate, to take time to be still but in the midst of our busyness malfunctioning we wait for a quiet moment to meditate. What if that moment never comes? Just do it! Why is it that I see so many more massage clients for injuries than I do for preventative body work? Just do it! Why is it that we wait until our annual vacation to dig into that novel? Just do it! The dishes will wait half an hour! Self care, both spiritual and physical is way too often put on the back burner. Today what about taking a little inspiration from Nike and "Just do it" whatever "it" is that you need to do to feed your soul. Because putting yourself on the back burner for too long generally ends with someone getting scorched.

     Soul feeding is in no way a selfish activity. So you keep putting off your own needs to tend to your children? What are you teaching them? Maybe to put off their own needs and the hungry soul cycle continues. You skip your quiet time or your friend time because your spouse needs something and you do their chore but then your interactions are resentful and terse? I'm betting your spouse would rather you be happy and loving than have promptly picked up their dry cleaning. Self care is world care! Imagine if even one cell in your body became cancerous. The thought makes us uneasy for sure. Well, imagine that we are all cells in the great body of humanity. When we take care of ourselves by raising our happiness level, or centering or eating better or getting to know ourselves better... you are actually raising the health level of humanity as a whole. Whether you live with the truth of our interconnectedness or not my exhale will still one day become your inhale and vice versa. Our happiness level affects everyone around us. So today I write, not because I am inspired but simply because obeying God makes me healthier and happier and in turn that betters the world. What is it that you need to do to improve the world today? As you tend your own garden, you can look for clues in the activities that bring you peace, joy, love. For these activities bring peace, joy and love to the world. It is not in the painful sacrifice and gritted teeth kind of living that we elevate the world, but rather in the "loving yourself" kind of living. So whether you feel inspired to take care of yourself today or not just do it! Is that your yoga mat calling?

A person who loves themselves will never be without love

Why I Am Right

     In our polarized society we pull our choices tightly around our shoulders like cloaks identifying us as smarter than them. We cling to our political parties even though partisanship gets us no where fast. We cling to our liturgies because quite simply we are right and they are going to straight to hell. We white knuckle grasp our eating choices, our exercise choices, our entertainment choices, our endless choices. In the yoga world this is found not so much by identifying with a brand anymore, i.e Anusara, Ashtanga, etc. But with identifying with a teaching style. "I ONLY teach mindful yoga or I ONLY flow and sweat with an awesome DJ". We have gotten past the "my brand is the right way" mentality only to get stuck in the my teaching/practicing method is the right way lie. Humans find comfort and power in group identification and so we draw boundaries around our ideas and seek out like minded people and cluster. I have heard the phrase "good to be with like minded people" one too many times this month. Heck, I have thought it myself after a great discussion with a "like minded person". So what's the problem with thinking our choices are the right choices and hanging out with only like minded people then?

     It is my thinking that we are put here on earth for several reasons, the first of which is growth. We hopefully grow in self actualization as we age but part of growth is questioning our choices and if they hold up to scrutiny then maybe we embrace them for a season. If our choices don't hold up we have to be OK being wrong and move on. The only reality of the human experience is that change is the only constant and the more we hang on to being right in any area the more we impede change and change is growth. If living things aren't growing they are dying. So my circular logic leads me to this: clinging to our rightness brings us closer to death.

     We are here to serve and love and to discover our unity as a species. Prana, chi,  life force, holy spirit, whatever you want to call it, it runs through all of us black, white, gay, straight, circus clowns and senators. I like the analogy that we are all fish in an aquarium and this life force is our water. When we insist on rightness and by virtue of that choice insist on their "wrongness" we are pissing in our own water.  Jesus said we are to become servants, to wash dirty feet and wipe away salty tears. We can't do these things if we are busy explaining to our fellow beings why their dirty feet and tears are wrong.

     Another reason the words "I'm right" scare me a bit is that we are told to come to God as a little child. I interpret this to mean get off your pride horse Lone Ranger you do not know it all! Being open to the idea that your way is not the only way and that people you find wrong may be your teachers is a step towards humility. Believing you're right about stuff shuts down the potential for learning and growth but even worse it strokes our pride as it whispers sweet nothings about our awesomeness in our tickled little ears. The choices you make today may be right for you in the moment but clinging to the notion of rightness closes the door to growth, change, humbleness and human connection.
    
     So today I choose to practice mindful yoga and eat omnivorously and vote by candidates not by parties and immerse myself in Judeo Christian theology. But, I know these are just choices, neither right or wrong they are just my choices.  Not better or worse than your choices. They just are and this, I believe, opens my eyes a little wider to gaze into yours. And it is in looking at one another we see God.  The only "right" is love and clinging to the rightness of our choices stifles love.

There is no room for God in a person who is full of himself

Baal Shem Tov 

Happy July 7th

     God bless America! This 4th of July I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, the dark side of said bed and it didn't take long for the many cheerful calls of "Happy 4th of July" all around to begin to penetrate my psyche. It is hard to ignore holidays but unfortunately I had forgotten my party pants. I sat and stewed for a bit and then a  life line appeared through the grey of my morning. God,  full of grace,  never giving up on His children whispered to my soul "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life..." I struggled for a moment because honestly sometimes it feels good to feel bad, a little touch of self righteousness perhaps? But soon I began to contemplate how to truly add personal meaning to this day. I love our country, BBQ, fireworks, and small town parades. I have nothing against the celebration but for some reason this year it felt a little hollow to me. Feeling less festive but still wishing to recognize the day (and not ruin Tim's day)  I listened to Gods whisper and sat to search for meaning.

      I realized the meaning had not come subtly, people had been telling me all morning: HAPPY 4th of July. Well, why not? Why was I choosing to be cranky? I looked over at my even keeled mate and thought to myself  that to celebrate our independance I would choose to be happy all day. Now, for years and years when someone would say happiness is a choice it would just really piss me off. Really? Just like that a magic happiness fairy is going to pixie dust me after I flip the happy switch? Grrr. This 4th of July it was different though. Something had shifted and I knew happiness really is a choice. Not an easy choice and probably a choice we have to make over and over, but after years of practicing thought control techniques and meditation and prayer I knew had a fighting chance. We cannot, of course, help the random thoughts that pop into our heads uninvited but we can choose to not open the door to the thought. This is the "trick" don't let the thought fester. There are many techniques and so worth it to investigate for yourself. Many paths to happiness and we cannot find our paths without knowing ourselves. I know this is old news for many of you having read the power of positive thinking, but I never did. The title annoyed me and I am not a natural optomist. So, here are some practices that helped my slow learning cranky self.

     At the moment a negative thought presented I have used replacement tactics substituting happy thoughts. I have used visualizations, picturing stop signs work well for me. One friend shared she has a little fairy come sweep her mind clean of her negative thoughts, another imagines the siren of the thought police. Maybe you have another technique please share if you do. But no matter, the idea is to relentlessly and repetitively slam the door on the negative thoughts as they present. Don't entertain them , don't let them in the door. And you know it does get easier. Mindfulness is cumulative and it sneaks up on you. Something else that was helpful was that for the last week or so I had been meditating on  "The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want" this scripture has grown in my heart to mean that the exquisite love of the Shepard is returned when we are not "in want". Well, being "in want" is the opposite of being happy. God does prepare His children. So, turning your grey skies blue may not be as easy as flipping a switch but it can be done. Just like most anything of value it is work. But as hard as we work for a dollar or a promotion or a vacation that we think might make us happy isn't it worth it to spend some effort working to be happy? All in all, I can say it was a good day, a happy day even.

Liberty is the right to choose. So, let's choose happy over and over!