Calm in the Storm

    Stormy seas make strong sailors

     I remember about a decade ago overwhelmed and questioning God "when will life slow down?, I whined" At this point we lived on the Gulf Coast and hurricanes were a familiar fact of life. When the powerful spirals approached the winds would whip the waters into froth and cause the trees to dance madly. The closer the eye of the storm the louder nature howled all around us. But then came the calm. If you have ever been in the eye of a hurricane you know it is one of the quietest places on earth. There are no winds, no birds, the trees stand perfectly still at attention. In the midst of this raging howling force lies calm and quiet. The answer to my prayer for a slower life came almost immediately. Life would never slow down, my spirit whispered, there would always be a hurricane of activity and stimulation, but in the middle of it all the eye of the storm was there quietly waiting for me to pay attention. Stillness is always available even as we race screaming through our days.
The storm seems so loud these days with fear and violence erupting in our culture. It is a challenge to find the quiet eye, but not impossible.
    
     Quiet is a state of mind and our minds are malleable. It is the mind dropped down into the heart.  We are not at the mercy of our thoughts and we are not the victims of our circumstances. Rather when we train to be present with whatever is happening our capacity to enter quiet slowly strengthens. This training is not quick or easy, but it is super simple. Do not resist the events of any given moment. If we are suffering and we try to push away the suffering then the suffering grows stronger. But if we notice our suffering and do not abandon the sensations, we tell our suffering "I am here for you" we hold our suffering like were comforting a crying baby then the suffering quiets. When we are joyful and we abandon the moment of joy thinking ahead we lose our joy. Have you ever found yourself super happy then had the thought "this will be over soon" and your joy is gone? But simply being present noting "this is a joyful moment" this increases our capacity for inner quiet. It is natural to want to move away from pain and hold onto joy. But the thing is,  life really is just an ever flowing river of sensations and when we sit quietly and observe this flow we enter the river. When we avoid our present moments we dam up the flow.

     I actually started this blog about a month ago after two consecutive days when  my inner life caught my attention. The first day was a day off with absolutely no commitments, luxurious, right? Well I spent a great deal of time that day whipping up a storm of doubts and "what ifs" and " you shoulds" in my mind. While outwardly I intentionally only did activities that seemed  restful, fun even,  inwardly my unchecked thoughts created a very unrestful situation. I lost my inner quiet. But the next day I was super busy at work and despite my morning doubts of having the stamina for it all it was an amazingly restful day. On day two I did not resist what was happening, I did not allow my mind to run amuck and I did not look for an escape. I stayed present.It really caught my attention that my Sabbath day was so stressful and my workday was so lovely. On the Sabbath day I abandoned the eye of the storm and indulged my ego mind and this always causes some level of anxiety. But despite a light physical fatigue on day two I felt calm and grounded almost as if I had been in a spa for the day. The only difference was that on day two I continually came back to "what is happening right now" I didn't allow memories or predictions to stay in my mind, but over and over I took notice of "exactly this moment"  when the moment was pleasant I took a second to appreciate it and when the moment was challenging I took a second to "hold myself softly"
I totally get that with the current situation in our politics and culture the desire to check out is strong. And, maybe for a little while that's what's needed. Take an hour or two to abandon yourself in some entertainment. But in the long run if we are to find this quiet eye of the storm we must allow the wind and rain. We must not abandon our present moments, but we must lovingly be there for ourselves and then we sink into the quiet we all have inside of us. I get that you're afraid, I am too. But in the darkness of denial,  fear grows and in the light of loving presence fear transforms.

Show Me The Monet

"If you think you know God keep searching

If you're searching for God, then God is with you"

Rick Ahmuty

     Being a yoga teacher/practitioner is a funny thing. In the beginning when you know you don't know much it is perhaps much simpler to teach. Because you begin with the basics of the body. Teaching physical alignment is pretty straight forward once you understand how joints work. But then one day you remember that yoga is about body, mind and spirit and slowly most of us move into working with the mind through meditation, contemplation and observation. This ineffably nebulous mental arena thankfully does have perimeters. Neuroscience is beginning to explain how our patterns of thought affect us and how we can affect them. So far using the canvass of the body and mind there is stuff to teach. and that is what teachers do: teach, right?
But, of course, time marches on and when you spend enough time working with the body and refining the mind then the subject of spirit inevitably arises. When the loud voice of the mind quiets a bit then there is room for that still small whisper of spirit to arise.

     For the sake of this discussion let's define the human spirit as "the part of us that is reaching for growth" Our spirits are a beautiful and deep part of us that lead us both inward to our Inner Witness and outward to God. And in this journey the intention is to surrender our small self to this Mystery.This is a personal journey that cannot be "taught" but perhaps can be shared and perhaps can be supported.
And this is the conundrum. Whether one is a preacher a teacher or just a busy body, trying to "teach" someone about spirit is often the very thing that stifles spirit. When I think about helping someone else nurture their spirit the only way I know how is to connect to my own spirit and the challenge is, in trying to connect to our Highest Selves we are blind women feeling Monets water lilies. In the beginning all seems safe and well because all we feel is a wooden frame. "Aha",  we think, "this is the box in which I can keep spiritual matters." And we walk around with our little God box feeling pretty good.

     But then one day something deep in our spirit whispers to us and we discover there is a canvass within the frame. So we reach out a trembling hand and run it across the canvass and begin to carefully feel both  the smoothness and the textures.  We think perhaps that God is bigger than the wooden frame and we have discovered some holy paradox. In our wildest imaginings we cannot yet conceive of the wash of colors we're missing. But perhaps we are highly kinesthetic and have someone's eyes to guide us  and we can feel the textures of the blues and the grays and we begin to form a mental image of the painting.
Obviously for a blind person to observe art to this level it would take years of effort and perhaps imagining everything within the frame would be satisfying enough that they might stop there.

     And yes, I might find myself quite satisfied to gaze upon Monets masterpiece, but deep down we know this painting is merely a representation of something beautiful To completely and totally understand Monets painting is NOT to completely and totally understand the slice of nature he was portraying.  And so I circle back to the paradox of yoga. What we are learning is actually unlearning.
What we are gaining is only what we will let go of. This journey whether we teach yoga or just practice is a long walk to nowhere.  If we think that we can stop in front of the painting after years of working to understand it, then we will miss the subject of the painting. If you think you've "got it" then theres lots more practice to be done.  But when you can be kind to yourself abiding in the Mystery and release the need to understand then perhaps you have stepped out of the art gallery and stand at the edge of the pond. But to leave the art gallery and stand with the water lilies is just the beginning. We have yet to dive in ....

Why the Sad Face?

The Joy of the Lord is Your Strength

Neh 8:10

     Fiercely she wrapped the woolen cloak of misery around her granite shoulders and stepped into the darkness. Fear that even a hint of a smile would allow the circling wolves to tear her limb to limb, she set her jaw. She would not be weak like the masses. She would not be common that was for sure because it took a special person to suffer the way she did. Her martyrdom escaped her chest with a heavy sigh as she took another step into the mud. Slowly she began sinking deeper into the muck and mire, but she didn't mind. Suffering gave her focus and purpose and suffering felt powerful. The only laugh she allowed was the brittle kind of laugh that dripped with the superiority of someone who has "been there and done that". Someone who knew better than to be happy. She was safe in her misery, weirdly content to be drowning slowly in sorrows that sprung from her mind like a river of mud. She turned her eyes away every time the sun came out. She had no time for light.She was not one for joy. Joy was for simpletons and she was better than all that ...

     Sometimes I wonder if angst got programmed into everyone or just a select few. The image of the tortured artist is pretty romanticized in our culture. Van Gogh and Hemingway are for grown ups and Mr. Rogers is for kids, don't you know? My intention is to write a post on joy, but I keep deleting my words. I do not have one shred of doubt that joy does literally strengthen us and misery saps our strength, but when I finally allowed myself to just write free form what emerges from the depths of my psyche is the cloaked Lady Misery above.  And she seems mysterious and romantic and powerful. When I think of writing a short character sketch of joy all I can think of are those yellow smiley face balls people used to put on their car antennas. I wonder to myself is angst the regional curse of growing up in Austin or is it genetics? Either way the illusion that suffering protects us from suffering is the funhouse mirror in the hall of delusion.

     Joy is so simple and so beautiful  Joy is like a little daisy helpless and just waiting to get trampled on. Misery is the cactus that will bite your ass if you mess with it. These are some of the most primitive thoughts I have about joy and misery. Thankfully I have no greater desire in life than to grow in knowledge and relationship with this mystery we call God. And God clearly says that we are to cultivate joy. Not only that but that joy gives us strength.  Is this as simple as the neurochemicals of fear (miseries umbrella emotion) weakening our muscle fibers? Maybe it is. When we are experiencing joy, our faces and hands tend to soften in turn sending signals to our nervous systems that we can turn down the production of adrenalin and cortisol. I really prefer to blog on the emotional issues that have been resolved in me through grace and practice. Writing a blog on cultivating joy feels awkward like groping around a dark room.  But aren't we all really groping around our own darkrooms. looking for light? Joy is a light in the darkness. Every time we intentionally choose to simle, to look for the good, to cultivate joy, we move closer to God.

     This is the journey from darkness into light and it does not happen by accident. There must be firm intention to question your misery and tend to your joy. If you are feeling like a victim you are enabling misery. If  you think someone has offended you you are enabling misery. If you are scared of people not like you, you are enabling misery. Trying to act "cool" is a subtle form of enabling misery (thanks Austin!). As ackward as it feels for me to write this post I am going to publish it because I suspect that right now a lot of my fellow countrymen are enabling their own misery and if the simple message that joy is true strength reaches just one person then I'm happy to feel this vulnerability.

     Slowly step by step she walked into the Light. Then all at once feeling the soft warmth on her face she dropped the heavy cloak and laughter carried her away on the wind. As she soared closer to the sun her skin turned golden and a melody composed of giggles and snorts burst forth from her silly face. And God was pleased and sent her a cup of strength in exchange for her joyful song ...

Not A Very Exciting Story

     It seems to me that everywhere I turn these days there are epic stories of spiritual growth. Someone on the left of me is being filled with so much light that they shoot lasers from their sparkly eyes,  someone on the right of me is bravely travelling inward to visit their "shadow sides". I cannot open up my iPad without inspirational memes sprinkling down on my head like so much happy word confetti. And I love it and I find myself inspired by others journeys and I am hopeful that perhaps humanity is reaching a tipping point where we will finally wake up to our interconnectedness and stop all the hateful harmful rhetoric of "them and us".  But at the same time I'm gonna call bullshit on the whole thing. The pretty bows we tie around the spiritual journey these days are strangling us. If I took my guidance from what I see around me I believe I could take 7 Steps in 30 days and become enlightened and this is an insult to my soul. An insult to all of the actual work it takes to "wake up".

     If a human being has decided to primarily focus on their body and chooses to be an athlete they may blog about their victories and injuries but rarely write about the millionth time they did a bicep curl. But no one becomes a great athlete without those million mundane moments of boring work. If someone decides to lead a primarily intellectual life and become a PhD they may share when they graduate or complete a grueling assignment, but no one shares about the hours and hours of reading, writing and falling asleep over their books, because its boring just as the million hours of bicep curls. But you see, intuitively humans know that to excel in athletics or academics there are years of mundane, boring toil that go into these endeavors. We know this and that is why we celebrate our athletes and scholars. But when a human being decides to dedicate their lives to spiritual growth there isn't a lot of evidence out there chronicling the million boring moments of growing up. I suspect that we even think that "enlightenment" can be bestowed upon someone just if they desire it enough. If we just pray hard enough maybe a fairy will come in the night and sprinkle us with "mindful dust".

     But the truth of it is spiritual growth is made up of a million boring moments of "now".
We must be present when we feel our hearts expanding, we must be present when we feel our feet grounding so deeply that our energy roots down into the center of the earth. But we also must be present in traffic, we must be present the multitude of times we wash dishes, cook dinner, do laundry.
We must slog our way through the muddy meditations that make us sleepy. We must anchor ourselves through the meditations that we're so scattered we think we might fly away. Like any physical endeavor or intellectual endeavor that rises above mediocrity spiritual growth is repetitive and boring and often unglamorous. Spiritual growth is work just like digging a trench, it is hard, it is often dirty and for every transcendent moment of "aha" there are a thousand moments of bringing yourself back to the mundane present.

     I have not been inspired to blog lately, because the very human desire to make my journey exciting has stood in the way. I don't want to put anyone to sleep with the truth of "tonight for the thousandth time I remembered to exhale and softened my irritation by 10%. Who wants to read about "tonight I did the dishes again but when I felt my feet on the kitchen mat I had a brief moment of gratitude for the hot soapy water". No we want epic stories about transcending the mundane and rising to the top of the mountain. But today I just wanted to blog to remind you fellow spiritual seekers that there are a lot of steps required to get to the top of that mountain and a lot of them are boring. But when it all comes down to it at the end of this life I would much rather have "been here" for the million boring moments than have spent a lifetime lost in the disconnected wanderings of my mind. So, maybe next week I'll levitate or something and have a great story for you, but today I just want to encourage you to keep putting one foot in front of another.

What's Your Cover?

"The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing" Oscar Wilde

     There is nothing more worth knowing than your deepest self, the self beyond the monkey mind. I  recently heard a talk by a very senior teacher describing his intent to lead students to their own inner wisdom. As he fumbled for the right words he said  "I am trying to get students to discover, no to recover, no to uncover their inner wisdom" As the deepest truths are so hard to articulate his struggle to communicate  resonated deeply with me. There is something inherent in humans which is wise, which is love, which is constant. But somehow we have covered it up. What we are searching for, we already have. Like fish swimming in the sea asking where the water is we are following outside teachers asking where the peace is, where the wisdom is. In the storminess of life we have forgotten that at the eye of a hurricane there is a quiet calm place. Our lives may never slow down, but that doesn't mean we have to be tossed around by the waves of life. But we may need to do a little inner excavating to remove the covers from our calm center.

     The first cover is the belief that all of our wisdom resides in our brains. Our brains are wonderful for holding and organizing knowledge but it is the body that holds deep wisdom. Intuitively you know this, when you are in an uncomfortable situation your shoulders hike, you might make fists or clench  your jaw, your body is telling you your not safe. But when we come to a place of comfort our chest soften our breath slows, our body is whispering to us "relax". We must come home to our bodies before we can uncover their wisdom and we come home to them by paying attention and being curious and humble. When you are working with your body in a format like exercise have you ever taken the time to notice if your body is trusting you or not? When you make up your mind to lift that weight, do that run or jump on the mat does your body tense or eagerly energize? Our first step to uncovering wisdom is to simply familiarize yourself with your bodies subtle signals.

     The second cover to our wisdom is self bullying. So you decided to go for a run and you felt your whole body tense up in a "no please" and you said to yourself "suck it up" and you do it anyways, your inner bully thinks that this is the way to become better, stronger, faster but that inner voice is wrong. We become stronger when we listen to our bodies. Our bodies are made to move, look at our structure, I am not saying no running. What I am saying is do not override your somatic signals. If the idea of a run tenses your body then do something else. Walk, nap, go swing on play ground, but do not force activities on your body unless you wish to dampen your inner voice and stifle the wisdom within. Your body is wise and it wants healthy movement, but when we force stuff on our bodies they often end up shutting down.

    The third cover to our wisdom is thinking we know stuff, making assumptions about our bodies. Rather, a fundamental truth about your body is that it is constantly changing,from birth to death we do not stay the same, you are new every moment.When you assume limitations are permanent you contract your abilities and when you assume strengths are permanent you are moving away from truth. In dealing with the body curious compassion will take you deeper. If you do want to challenge yourself to run faster, lift more, whatever then inch by inch move towards that goal with somatic awareness, curiosity and compassion and your body will begin to sense you are its ally. To complete the inner journey to our highest selves we must truly befriend our bodies. Be as nice to your body as you might be to your dog.

    So this blog post is nothing revolutionary I know. But it is truth. We cannot continue to live in our heads and expect a peaceful existence. We cannot continue to look to outside sources for our own wisdom. I know its a bad business move as a teacher to say I have nothing to teach you, but it is true. You already contain truth, peace and wisdom.   Perhaps though we can sit quietly together for a bit and you will discover  recover uncover    perhaps you will find you are wiser than you know. Why travel the world looking for yourself when you are right here?

My Christmas Letter

                                                                                                                                        Christmas 2015

Dearest Loved Ones,

     I hope this season is bright for you and filled with light and if it’s not then I hope it’s filed with self compassion in the darkness. Whether through joy or challenge I hope you are becoming your very best self and growing in love. Like all of you, Tim and I have had high moments and moments when we really needed to exhale, but overall it has been a fruitful year. We have no kids to brag on, our pets escapades have been pretty tame (except for getting some crazy chickens!)  and there are no major accomplishments to shout from the rooftops except taking a teenager to Italy for two weeks and not losing her! I know you parents aren’t too impressed with that accomplishment though! So, instead I’m going to use this letter to unpack my mission statement.  I recently wrote a condensed mission statement with just three words: abundance, health and love and it contains the gifts I wish for you.

Abundance

    My idea of abundance really has nothing much to do with financial or material gain.  Abundance is rich and complex when broken down. One component is to drop a competitive mindset around resources.  I learned to drop the mindset examining my envy at all the yoga party posts with big crowds on FaceBook as I worked away in obscurity growing my little studio. When we envy, we are subtly telling ourselves there’s not enough to go around, that we are missing something, and that we are in lack instead of abundance. When we disallow a competitive mindset our joy increases when others prosper. When we drop this mindset perhaps even we drop the “us and them” mindset that causes so much global strife. Abundance knows that in the moment we have all we need.  My abundance is sitting in the yard watching the sweet dog who is watching the grouchy cat who is watching the crazy chickens run /flap into the bush full of yellow flowers.  Abundance comes from being present and knowing all is well.

    

Health

   We all mostly do the best we can for our health, but of course wellness and illness visits every living soul. So when I think of orienting my choices toward health, I think of orienting towards choosing to be happy.  Choosing happiness bolsters us in all circumstances. As a species we have barely scratched the surface of the body mind connection; it is sacred and it is powerful and choosing to be happy in whatever the present moment offers eventfully leads to a deeper inner pool of inherent joy and leads to a healthier body! Happiness is the beautiful face of courage. Here’s to your healthy New Year!

Love.

  Just one little word powerful enough to ignite wars.  How many would die for love? We can all define elements of love and if you can’t then revisit I Corinthians 13 (love is patient, love is kind…) or ponder this  “The best and surest way you may know God is when selfless love fills your heart and there is a strong compelling urge to help someone, to heal their ills, to relieve their suffering, to bring them happiness …” Joseph Benner.

     I think love boils down to helping others and setting yourself aside. But we don’t “set ourselves aside” or stop always prioritizing our own opinions just for kicks. We do it to notice other people and their needs, we do it for connection. Maybe a smile is all it takes to plant a seed of love. Because when you plant a seed of love you are enriched yourself.

     This year I am having a hard time sticking to my rule of a one page letter. My thoughts are abundant, my heart is happy and when I think of you all I am filled with love. So if you have made it to page two I would like to congratulate you that your technology has not completely annihilated your attention span!

     I hope that in 2016 you take time to slow down and feel your abundance, that whatever it is that will make you healthier is a major component in your life and that you love yourself and humanity just a little more every day . Tim and I are so grateful for you all.

With much love and wishes for your bright holiday,

 Tim and Signe

All Good Things

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him

Romans 8:28

  One of my favorite teachers, Ram Dass says "its all fodder for growth" meaning that every thing that happens to us can be used for character development and whether someone hugs you or smacks you is really irrelevant. What matters is witnessing our lives in a compassionate manner to keep digging deeper into ourselves, calming the ego and awakening the inner wisdom inherent in humans.
In theory it is a lovely idea to have developed such equanimity that we meet every challenge with grace and gratitude. In reality it's a messy practice. So let me share the mess that three teachers recently brought to my door.

 The first literally came to the door, as a few weeks ago some thieves kicked in our front door and wiped the house clean of electronics and peace of mind The second teacher came only two days later as my husband was in a fender bender which would normally be no big deal, but the responding officer didn't believe his version of the events and called him a liar Then it became a big deal. The third teacher again literally knocked at my door. Over the front door of my studio it says yoga and massage. Well, I started getting knocks from people who didn't have appointments but insisted that they did. These were the kind of people who were a little rough and a little scary to me. It turns out that the building had leased a space to some prostitutes who were using massage as a cover and their excited johns just saw the massage word over my door. I am fiercely protective of my business and this triggered me in a thousand ways. For a moment I forgot Gods promise that He does work all things for our good. For a few days I responded to these three teacher by drinking too much and sleeping a lot. But the beauty of a spiritual practice is that it is cumulative and all the decades of prayer. meditation and self examination quickly became a life raft for me. So let me share the three gifts my teachers left.

Immediately after the break in standing in my home, shaky and unsure I got direction to practice some yoga. So I stood in tadasana, (those of you who don't practice yoga may call this pose standing there). Tadasana is a super powerful pose and as I rooted into my feet sending my energy all through my home I could feel my heart lift and my shoulders drop. In me is the power of abundance. I know I have enough "stuff" I know I have strong energy. I know my spirit is bright. But it took some burglars making space in my home for the knowledge of abundance to really take root. When abundance comes to live in your heart, competiveness has no space. Gandhi says there is enough in this world for all our need but not our greed. And this is true. When you notice the present moment you will see you are abundant, too.

The second gift was really letting go a lot of what people think of me. Others opinion can somewhat inform our choices but when they guide them we are not free.  the part of the accident that was so hard was watching my honest and big hearted husband struggle with being called a liar by a policeman. Tim did 20 years in the Air Force and this gave him a respect for "higher ups" that perhaps did not serve him in this situation. He has moved passed it and is actually looking forward to his day in court. But what has really stuck with me is the letting go of what others think and as I continue to work with this I feel my shoulders softening and my heart opening. It is a lovely thing.

The third gift was definitely the hardest to unwrap. I have massaged for twenty two years and in the beginning there was still a little bit of an association with sexuality. I have fought hard to make this very necessary service respectable. Human babies will die without touch. We all need safe touch and the johns knocking at my door knocked the wind out of me for a bit. But, here's the thing in every person there is dark and there is light. Society may try to reduce women to the Madonna/whore complex. But we are not one or the other we are all both. In those ladies was light and in me is
dark. Through this struggle I realized that until I truly embrace my darker parts my spiritual journey would be slowed. I prayed a lot for those ladies and less than a month into their lease the property manager got wise and evicted them. But they left me with a real softness for the parts of me that react from fear and anger.

About a month before my three teachers came I had formulated a mini mission statement for my life   just three words. Abundance, Health, and Love. The thieves brought me abundance, Tims struggle brought me greater mental health and those ladies of the night left me a shiny box of self love. So, whomever is knocking at your door, won't you let them in? They are your teachers.