The Dark and the Light

"Smoking will not interfere with your yoga, yoga will interfere with your smoking"

Krishnamurti

     I heard a preacher say once that he had discovered the dividing line between "good" people and "bad" people and I waited with perked ears to hear where this line was. "it runs right down the middle of every human" he concluded and I knew I had just heard truth. I am a great person really doing the best I can and I am also at times a quite selfish and horrible person. I am not alone in this duality I know. For so many years teaching yoga I bound myself with a bunch of  "if onlys". If only I lost some weight I would be better at asana, if only I didn't pollute my body I might reach enlightenment, if only I knew a little more I would be a better teacher. All of these "if onlys" were centered around what I deemed to be the "dark" parts of me. I was convinced all of these "if onlys" were interfering with my yoga. I thought these "if onlys" we're the cause of my suffering.

     Thankfully Krishnamurti was exactly right when he said yoga interferes with our habits. Yoga is such a democratic process, everyone who practices progresses and mindfulness is cumulative. You don't have to be awesome and free of "if onlys" you just have to practice and I have, And its begun to interfere with my habits.  During a recent time out of the country in a fresh environment which always gives us a fresh perspective I sat down to meditate. There was nothing particularly "enlightened" about my attitude that day. I just sat because that's what I do. So for the majority of my "sit" I just alternated between mindful breathing and a wandering mind, like every session. But right before my timer was about to chime I "heard" a clear inner voice say "Your life is perfect". My immediate reaction was a laundry list of all my imperfections, all my short comings. This voice was clearly wrong. But then I saw that this entire list was just "if onlys" and God gave me a vision of all of these "if onlys" being a basket full of snakes that I used to strangle my spirit. I don't know how many years I have told students " You are flawed and you are perfect and there is no contradiction in this statement". I must have said this thousands of times, but in that moment in my meditation it became a living truth for me. No, my "if onlys did not interfere with my yoga but my yoga has sure interfered with my "if onlys".

     That moment God planted two things in me. First, is the realization that indeed my life is perfect. Every scrap of darkness in my life is designed for my good, for my growth and all of my bad habits are part of the perfection. And with that realization came an overwhelming flood of self kindness. Both of these gifts are just a result of practice. Scripture says when we reach for God, He reaches back: deep calling to deep.  Practicing mindful compassion on the yoga mat and off will interfere with your life in a big way. Do you have it backwards like I did for so many years thinking your bad habits will interfere with your yoga? If so be patient with yourself but keep practicing. Whether your practice is asana, or meditation or walking or praying or serving others let your life become your practice. Just be present and when you aren't present and you come out of your trance of thought then just be kind. Even if you are hung over at this moment or just spent an hour gossiping or filled with self loathing you are perfect NOW. You do not need to wait for all of your "if onlys" to come to pass you merely need to practice living intentionally. Keep reaching for God.

     Yes, let your light shine, the world needs shiny people. But do not try to push away your darkness, it creates the boundaries for light to exist. We cannot have one without the other. Your darkness is your teacher, your darkness can be beautiful when you shine compassion on it. So, once more please remember that you are flawed and you are perfect and there is no contradiction in this statement. Practice living that until your self kindness blooms. And with practice it will.

Things Get Messy

     I know from the  stats that at least a few people besides me read this blog and I wish I could honestly say that I write this for you. But today especially, I don't. Like the pencil markings on a door jamb recording the progress of a child's growth this blog helps me to see that indeed I am growing. However unlike a child's neatly linear ascending growth, spiritual and emotional growth is not quite so linear. A few marks up the door jamb and all of the sudden a descending into doubt and falling on the floor,  then an inching up the door jamb and before you know it your completely off track in another room entirely. So, you slowly make it back to your path and begin to ascend the door jamb over and over and you fall over and over and such is the path of a spiritual seeker. And I tend to write this blog after a period of ascension to mark a joyous occasion of growth or illumination. But today I am back on the floor so to speak. And I want to use this descending to grow and so I write. So, fair warning, this is a pretty self indulgent post and you may want to stop reading now and go watch Netflix!

     It has been twenty two years since I began working with peoples bodies and a few years since I started working with their minds, but it seems like something has shifted in the last few months and all of the sudden a lot of my clients are working with me on a different deeper level. I suppose the neat label is the level of the spirit. I have recently had several students tell me quite seriously that they trust me as their teacher and apparently I take that responsibility seriously, maybe too much so. It is all well and good to be the teacher as long as we are working with mechanics, alignment, fleshy things. I even feel a certain small level of competence guiding them toward healthier neural pathways and cleaning up our minds a bit. But when people get vulnerable with me to the level of revealing their spirit, well I just feel like I am holding a rare and fragile butterfly in my sights and
a new level of care and awareness is required. Now, of course, I know this is all so much bigger than me and I cannot alter someone's spiritual path, dharma or karma. Their journey is between them and God. But I do want to be so very careful to not plant seeds that will grow into weeds that they later need to dig up. I have felt Gods grace so strongly on this journey I suppose two decades in, it finally hit me: teachers can do harm. (slow learner)

     Yesterday, circling back to the physical level, I brushed my hand along a students hip in triangle pose and they fell over and for a moment time stopped. She was alright, the class was alright and I am alright. But last night I dreamt that I tried to catch a student as she jumped off a high shelf and I didn't and she smashed into the ground and I sat with her as she bled. For hours. I tried to help and I couldn't. So, here I am not with a shiny victory blog after inching up the door jamb, but a story from the ground floor down where all the dirt is. Questions swirl around in my mind, can I keep my students safe or at the very least do no harm? On a physical level I think the answer is yes but we are going so much deeper than that these days.

     The beautiful thing is that as I write this I am reminded that my only "job" is to be present and compassionate and this begins with myself. This includes the times when someone I am assisting on their journey has an "a ha" moment and it includes the times when I upset a students balance and they tumble over. The thing is, the touch was so light, so very light that caused this lady to tumble and it made me realize how fragile we all are on so many levels. But that does not change my immediate conclusion that this was just a hard lesson in being present and compassionate with myself. I am not sure if I am going to hit "publish" or "delete" for this messy blog, but I do know that writing it has softened the distress I feel this morning. So, if you haven't left for Netflix thanks for "listening". And remember whatever shiny facades we share in blogs, in social media and in person, they are just that facades.  Beneath everyone's skin there are layers of dark and light, love and fear, saints and sinners all wrapped up into one glorious human equation. And it is our job to be with it all holding ourselves and others in the light of love. Peace to you today readers, thanks for reading.

An Adventure I Had

"God defined is God confined"

Ram Kir

     I spend way too much time thinking about the Divine Mystery. I am not saying that thinking about God is a useless activity but I am saying that our "thinking thing" may not be the best place to find the "rest" of God. Our thought process are so entwined with our egos they are almost impossible to untangle and the ego is simply our organizing tool. It puts aspects of ourselves and our lives into boxes trying to keep us safe and to keep life "manageable. Our ego is the ultimate "label maker"! But this thing we call God is unboxable, undefinable. ineffable and defies all labels. We cannot "know" God, but I do believe we can "feel" God and rest in this Divine Mystery as if we were lounging luxuriously on a sea of warm unconditional love. This is not a thing you can think through, it is just a thing you do or don't. You are called to rest and you answer, and if your answer is spending a lot of time thinking you probably aren't resting and trusting!

     They say that humans don't chase God on their own but that we only respond to God calling us deeper. Like little magnets we don't move until something attracts us, like Divine Love, we find ourselves being drawn in, drawn deeper. Deep calls to deep. So, eventually God called me deeper into this mystery focusing on my heart center instead of my thinking thing. This is a lovely place to rest. Our hearts are the seat of courage and the place in which we find self regard. While our brains suggest a thousand ways which we can improve our hearts softly whisper with every beat "I love you darling" beat beat   beat beat "I love you darling" beat beat   beat beat "I love you darling"... It is tempting to linger here in this new found oasis of love. And as I linger and the love grows I find it spilling over on to others. There would be no shame in stopping here. A lovely place to linger. Stay for awhile and come back to visit as often as you can, but the journey is far from over.

     Deep calls to deep and I will follow. And so I find myself in the murky, depths of my belly. There are lots of foreign words for the wisdom of our bellies. Japanese call it "hara", Italians call it "pancia" they both mean that there is a deep gnostic knowing in our guts, a wisdom beyond what our thinking things can comprehend,  a wisdom even deeper than our hearts know. While resting in the heart is kinda like resting in a spa, the gut feels less indulgent, more demanding of radical truth. The gut is the teacher that says "I know you can do better". When we are not living our lives authentically, not living our truths we literally cannot digest as well. Our guts will call us out. But the thing is this may be tough love, but it is true love indeed. And so I rest my awareness on this deep and mysterious place and slowly it grows slightly less scary. And in the gut I find a fierce feminine energy that can overcome all obstacles and slay all demons.

     At first it is scary until you realize that in your gut is a love so fierce that it will move up and break your heart open. then the light seeping from an open heart rises to expand your mind and gives you the courage to go back down into your gut. Only on this second visit instead of finding a scary fierceness, you find the fierceness of grace. The aspect of the Divine Mystery that will not stop until your entire being is lit up with Gods love. We are meant to shine, but for that to happen we must first venture into the murky darkness within. "The kingdom of God is within" scripture says and I no longer see this as a metaphor but as "real" as this keyboard and the table on which I write. We will never find true rest externally in this busy world but deep inside each one of us there is an oasis of Gods love in which we find rest. So. be still darling you are perfect as you are. It is time to rest. When deep calls to deep answer without hesitation and you will be led to an oasis so rich and sweet you can respond no other way than by resting in it.

Into the Darkness

    

"Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up"

James 4:10

     I have had a half written blog post sitting here for about a week. It was the result of the feeling of disconnect I get when I see that 77% of Americans call themselves Christians and my judgment that our country is not moving in the direction of  humble servanthood and agape love. I don't believe our words and actions are in sync as a nation. I tried a thousand ways to try to make that blog sound not judgmental, but I couldn't because it was. And, of course, I followed the classically ironic route of judging myself for being judgy. If truly I looked at the world thru eyes of love perhaps I would not get so agitated at the divisions in our country, is what I told myself. Where is the line between judgment and discernment is the question I tried to answer. But I wasn't quite successful because I was too busy being caught in judgment. Remember I wrote years ago in the beginning of this blog that I would have more questions than answers? Over the years the questions have grown and the  answers are few and far between!

     But what I do know is that in my meditation practice I often encounter challenging emotions that at one time I may have called "dark". A little anger arises and then a case of the "I Shoulds" rains down on me and, of course, judgment. But through some miraculous scenario this morning I was able to remain a compassionate and curious witness to these emotions. Comforting emotions are lovely, but it is these darknesses that arise that wear the face of Teacher. And staying with it I found underneath my anger a desire for love and underneath my case of "I should" a deep desire to have a meaningful life. And so it is that I look at the judgment I feel around our country and I discover a desire for community. That is all. I did not need an entire blog to rant about the United States going to hell in a handbasket. What I needed was to not push away the fear and not aggrandize the fear, but to sit with it compassionately. What I needed was to remember that in the black heart of a lump of coal is a diamond waiting to reflect the light. At the heart of my sadness and judgment lays a deep love of country and community. We can be a great nation.

     What is it that you are judging about yourself today? What characteristic do you loath in you? These shadows are rich and fertile ground for growth. When you feel an emotion that you would rather not, ask yourself: where is it in your body? What thought forms accompany your darker emotions? I know it is tempting to avoid them, to have a martini, to binge watch Netflix, I know it is tempting to suppress them, deny them, ignore them but what we resist truly does persist. And a great deal of life's lessons come cloaked in darkness. Can you just sit with your darkness as a curious witness? I feel like a cliché blogging about exploring our shadow sides. I know many far advanced of myself have journeyed through these "dark night of the soul" scenarios and emerged on the other side. Hell, Disney has even told this story in "Beauty and the Beast" But in this moment it just feels so true to me that at the root of all our negativities and insecurities lies a rich river of love. We just have to keep digging, keep looking with eyes of love at the depths of our soul and these living waters will bubble up.  So, yes I may discern properly that lots of fearful people are not acting in accord with their professed religion, this is not contained in Christianity but rather in humanity. So, instead of judging them (and myself) I just feel into the soft space in my heart that desires community and connection. I also feel into the space in me that is filled with the love of Christ. To me, being a Christian means following Jesus and he did truly model love for us. Love for ourselves, for our neighbors, for our country, for the world and for our God. So it was a loving act to delete my ranty blog post, but it is also a loving act to challenge you and me to line up our lives with truth.

     The trendy "what would Jesus do" bracelets a few years ago kinda annoyed me but really the question is so huge. I don't believe Jesus would do anything other than cultivate love when he was confronted by racism, homophobia, angry hopeless protests, partisianism, income inequality, the knee jerk self righteousness in which many of us hold our beliefs. So what does "cultivate love" even mean? Perhaps it is simply releasing fear,  the fear of our dark sides, fear of people who are different, fear of really questioning our beliefs. All fear is contraction, our worlds get smaller, our bodies get tighter when we operate out of fear. None of us like to think of ourselves as fundamentalists, but watch how you react when someone questions or challenges your beliefs. Where do these beliefs come from? Are they based in love? If we are humble enough to truly question our beliefs then we become fertile ground in which love can bloom, but if we clench our beliefs tightly with unseeing eyes and unhearing ears we only become hard and stony ground. Isn't it about time you bloomed? Let the sunlight of loving awareness into the dark corners of your soul and be brave and at your core you will find that your essential nature is love.  Let your shadows point you to the light and bloom dear ones. It is time.

Who's in Charge Here?

"There is a perfect rout of characters in every man - and every man is like an actors trunk full of strange creatures, new & old. But an actor and his trunk are two different things"

Wallace Stevens: A mythology of Self

 

     There is a character inside my head I like to call Ms. Dread Ahead. She visited me again last night as I surveyed the mess in the kitchen and thought not only of cleaning it up, but of the work I had to do the next day and my homework and, and, and .... my never ending responsibilities descended like a heavy woolen cloak shutting out all the light and casting me into darkness. But here's the thing, Ms. Dread Ahead and I have danced this dance before and I have begun to recognize her puppet master: The Victim. The Victim sets up scenarios where all I can see is my foot in a trap and sometimes I forget it is I who put my foot in that "trap" and I alone have the power to take it out. We all have so much on our plates these days, but sometimes it's hard to remember that we piled it all on our plates ourselves. Instead we stare at the plate in despair and wonder how were going to eat all we served ourselves. Remember this though: all you have to do today is breath and drink a little water. THAT IS ALL. But but, what about picking my kids up from school? What about feeding my family, what about .... Yea, I hear the objections. But I still maintain all you have to do today is breath and stay hydrated. you can send someone else for the kids, or keep them out of school, or home school them, or not have them to start with. The thing is know that it is you who piled up your plate.

     So, taking ownership of our choices and our lives is a good start. But once you realize you have orchestrated your life to have all of your particular challenges in it you still have to either take action or face consequences. How you take action is everything. If you are doing your dishes with resentment you are enforcing a victim mentality that slowly saps your power and energy. I chose to own a home, I chose to have a kitchen in it, I chose to cook dinner and I choose to do the dishes.  But that's not the end, I had to choose to do the dishes with presence and gratitude or invite The Victim along for my sudsy ride. One would bring pleasure and softness into my moment the other choice would disconnect me from joy. It seems a fairly obvious choice, doesn't it? So why do so many of us choose to be The Victim so often? perhaps because The Victim is not the deepest layer in this story. Underlying The Victim is fear: Fear of Shame, Shame of Fear, this is not a cycle that leads towards Love.

     What does it mean that we truly are the authors of our lives and yet the stories are often such a mess and this mess brings shame and fear? What it may mean for you is your journey to discover, but I'll tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean your incompetent or deficient. It doesn't mean you are shameful or less than. it doesn't mean your bad or unlovable. It means you're a human who has made a mess in the kitchen and you either clean it up or you don't. It doesn't mean you have to dance with Ms. Dread Ahead or let The Victim into your house. It doesn't mean that fear is going to swallow you whole. It means that this mess is the mess that can move you towards Love. it means you recognized you weren't being present and that wonderful recognition can either lead towards light or darkness. But whichever path you chose, remember it truly is your choice!

     Which of the cast of characters in your head is along for the ride today? How about finding your Inner Guru, your Wise Woman, your Highest Self (Namaste) and letting them ride along on your adventures today? And the next time Ms. Dread Ahead or The Victim pops their head up, give them a hug, but say no thank you and send them on their way. Not acknowledging that we all have a cast of characters in our psyches can lead to disassociation and numbness and letting some of the less mature characters lead us around can lead to stunted psychoemotional and spiritual growth. But the awesome news is everyone of us, yes everyone, has a super kind, super smart, super present character in us, our Highest Self, our Compassionate Witness. This character pops up when we take loving responsibility for our circumstances,. Or maybe it's just time to wash the dishes with a heart full of gratitude. Either way, it's your choice. Are you gonna let your Highest Self drive today because where you end up might just surpass your wildest imagination? You may think you need a retreat or a fast to grow, but really you just need to do the dishes!

Joy: The Sequel

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, For there is nothing better for a person under the sun to eat and drink and be glad"

Ecclesiastes 8:15

     Yes, I used the same scripture as a blog heading just a few days ago. Apparently I am not done with this topic! I have been meditating on this scripture for awhile and also remembering that "The Joy of the Lord is our strength". It's amazing to me that joy makes us stronger. But here's the truth of the situation. I really wrote that last blog as a kind of cathartic exercise to try to get rid of some angst I had been feeling about someone else's complete lack of joy. Ironic at the very least, also pretty judgmental and a little prideful of me to try to will another person to be joyful. There is an older woman I have been working with  meddling in her life that I care about a lot who unfortunately has a very dissatisfied worldview which results in a joyless demeanor. Her lack of joy has manifested into painful physical symptoms that limit her ability to move and further decrease her joy, a downward spiral that I cannot stop no matter how many blog posts I write about it. Another irony is that I am 99% sure she doesn't read my blog anyways. So, my best "yoga therapy: has not shifted this womans demeanor, My best attempt at encouraging her to be joyful fell on stony ground. My blog didn't even reach her and in all of my attempts to shift and change this person I have suppressed my own joy.

     I guess I am a slow learner, or perhaps overly emotionally invested here but it took me awhile to remember that resistance is the cause of suffering and if I resist her suffering I only add my own suffering to hers. Perhaps it is her lot to suffer, perhaps she has played this role for so long it is a comfortable old shoe. Perhaps I am misperceiving her and she's really a female Walter Matthau reveling in being a grumpy old person. None of that matters. What matters is that I want to increase the joy in the world and resisting her suffering is not the way to do it. All lessons really do lead back to being in the present moment and accepting what is. 

      So, back to the Ecclesiates quote! There is nothing better under the sun than eating and drinking? We'll lets not forget the "be glad" part. A little bit of something delicious always makes me glad, a lot of it usually makes me ill. A cocktail or two drunk mindfully and joyfully indeed makes me glad. A cocktail or three drunk to escape always makes me sad. I do not think I am alone in this, less really is more.  So it is not just the eating and drinking that brings joy but the act of being present and mindful as we eat and drink. Stopping to say grace and really smell, taste & see our food. Preparing it with gratitude, remembering how fortunate we are to have food. Paying attention to the moment we are full and stopping  Before getting that martini shaker down really sitting still for a moment and examining if we are looking for an escape or perhaps just a little icing on the day. Anything we use to escape the present will stifle our joy and in turn weaken us.

     Whatever happens with this woman is not my responsibility. I can and will continue to work with her in a loving manner, I will endeavor to be present and nonjudgmental with her. I will not disengage just because I cannot "fix" her. I will remember that maybe she doesn't need fixing and even if she does it is ultimately each persons responsibility to "fix" themselves and offer themselves to God to refine. And,it is accepting this cranky old person for exactly who they are that opens the door to joy. If there is anyone in your life that you are trying to "fix" besides yourself you are stifling your joy. I may have to write a thousand more blogs on joy before its all said and done. But, you know there are some things worth fighting for and joy is right at the top of that list. Our spiritual growth is like a garden. we have to till the soil getting rid of obstacles and we have to plant seeds to see blooms. But without joy in the soil all we get are weeds, joy is our fertilizer, joy is our strength and joy is our inheritance. Joy to you today!

The Power of Joy

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, For there is nothing better for a person under the sun to eat and drink and be glad"

Ecclesiastes 8:15

     It is a common saying that we are happy not when we get what we want but when we want what we have. To find joy in this moment when perhaps your house needs painting or you feel a bit frumpy is an incredible act of courage and strength. Our society tells us to always strive for more and there is nothing wrong with stuff. But why do you want stuff? Do you want that new smart phone because you think it will make you happy? It won't. Now certainly there may be a short lived thrill from the acquiring of an object, but the only possibility for lasting joy is to just accept your life as it is, warts and all. Just as desire can be a path to suffering, letting go of certain desires can be the path to joy. Joy is not happiness, which is situational, but rather joy is a clear eyed present moment view of your life with an acceptance of all the parts of it. To accept that you will never be perfect can unleash torrents of joy. To find beauty in your physical flaws and find compassion for your emotional shortcomings will bring you joy. It is acceptance and not plastic surgery, presence and not presents that we need to obtain this deep abiding joy. But why is it so hard to be happy? Why does scripture say "the joy of the Lord is your strength?" Because joy is an act of courage, an act of a whole hearted person.

     We have more stuff in our culture than we need and yet we are a nation of unhappy victims and polarized blamers. Why? Well, there is a power in being a victim. When you are unhappy many times people will rush to rectify that unhappiness. When you are bemoaning your victimhood people will sympathize and perhaps pat your back or hug you. But the attention that misery brings for you is short lived and in the end you end up alone and contracted into fear. no one can stand to be around a constantly miserable person. And not only that but like attracts like, so if you are using misery for attention you will end up surrounded by miserable people. No one intentionally rejects joy, but sometimes people do choose misery for the short term relief it provides as others sympathize. But beware, this path is made of quicksand that slowly sucks you in until the capacity for joy is gone.

     On the other hand sometimes choosing joy and telling others you are happy or just simply letting them know you are ok in the short term can leave you temporarily alone as people see you are ok. When my husband gets home from work he always asks how my day was. If I choose the misery answer I will have his attention for awhile but it tapers of as he grows tired of whine. If I choose joy and say my day was great often he will wander off to tend to his own needs and I am temporarily alone. But in the long run joy always bring connection and misery always brings loneliness.
But here's the crux of the matter, Joy is not situational. A joyful person finds light wherever they are and a miserable person is not changed by a magical environment. It always astounded me how many long faces I saw in Disneyworld! Joy is not easy but it is a nonnegotiable part of our spiritual growth. We have to deliberately stop coveting and comparing, stop looking at the dark side of our lives and intentionally grow in gratitude and joy will bloom. You do not grow muscles without working out, you do not grow joyful without some work. you must choose joy, but you must choose it over and over and over. And perhaps after a long time of choosing joy it will become your default. This is a practice worth investing in, for truly there is nothing better under the sun than to simply enjoy our lives.