Homecoming

     We all have with varying degrees the privledge of defining ourselves personally and professionally. A few years ago my Dad was rock climbing the greenbelt with a group some familiar faces and some new friends. My Dad was at the top of the rock when a new friend called up to him "What is it that you do?" Despite the less than optimum timing of the question my Dad still replied, yelling down "I am a landscape architect". There was a pause in which you could almost see my Dads ego quivering and he yelled out again "No, damn it, I am a gardener". This story makes me so proud of my Father's quest for humility and it also makes me wonder how I define myself.  As a yoga teacher my professional parameters are broad. I have chosen to link my spiritual growth with my profession. This serves to discourage complacency in myself and with a fairly strong lazy streak that is a good thing. At the same time setting yourself up as a spiritual teacher can be quite a dangerous place if you start to think you have "arrived" anywhere. I do not teach what I have learned as often as I share with a class what I need to learn. I am not pretending to be the capitian of any ship but I am happy to grab an oar and row along with my students as we navigate the currents of spiritual growth.

     So, when I hear myself struggling to articulate spiritual paths with students it is ok. But when I feel my ego step up onto her soap box I remember spirituality is a practice and it might be time for more personal practice. Thankfully I believe I have identified the primary area where the great majority of us need to practice. The foundations of our spiritual life are laid at home and within our immediate family. We are familiar with the scripture that instructs us to "love your neighbor as you love youreself" I saw this scripture translated from an ancient text and the translation read "love your closest one as you love yourself". Closest one? Um, spouse, parents, siblings, children...these are our closest ones. So why is it that we so often put on shiny spiritual faces for stranges, students, homeless people, everyone but our family? Why is it when we get home we get complacent with the behaviours such as patience and service, the behaviours that feed our spirit?
    
      I can read scripture and meditate with my classes until I am blue in the face but if I am not practicing all of this at home then my spirit life is a shell. I cannot patiently listen to a students challenges and dismiss my husbands and consider my actions godly. It is easier sometimes to recognize that annoying stranger as a mirror reflecting ourselves than it is to see yourself in your parent. But we must be careful to nurture our spiritual growth first in the home, then with the family and then with others. Spirituality is after all measured relationally and God has given us our nearest and dearest with purpose in mind. Our in laws and families of origin are no random choice but the very people we are meant to grow with. So while it is nice to put on a spiritual face in church or in a yoga studio it is imperative that we authentically practice these practices at home. It does not matter if you consider yourself to be a spiritual seeker and your family could not give a hoot about growth in God. It does not matter if your family is comprised of saints or sinners, winners or whack jobs...these are still your primary spritual partners. So , while I love to remind my students of Gods love for them it is often just calling my Mom or making my hubby a sandwich that is the true spiritual work. So sometimes from the top of that rock I want to yell down "I am a landscape architect" but then I remember I am really just a gardener and perhaps instead of lecturing it is time to til the soil. So, today I will define myself as wife, child, sister, aunt and within those parameters I will set my sails to catch Gods soft breezes.

I know why families were created with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed.
-- Anais Nin

Fear No Evil

     There is a scripture in Ecclesistes that says a cord of three strands is not easily broken. I first discovered this scripture in the mid 90's about the same time God graciously provided me with two amazing prayer buddies. We used to reference this scripture alot to reinforce the idea that the three of us were stronger together in prayer than we would be alone. That's where I was at the time. But fast forward a decade and while we still pray together "in the spirit" we live thousands of miles apart and so here I am no longer a triply braided cord but just one small strand in Gods hands. But even as the scripture kept whispering to my soul I just did what I know to do, I prayed and prayed some more and waited.

     Meanwhile, I am moving deeper and deeper into yoga teaching and as my practice progresses I am really getting to know myself and some of it is not quite so pretty. When I discover my capacity for perseverance and  kindness it is certainly a heartening moment but when I discovered my equally strong capacity for impatience and control let's just say it isn't such a sunny moment. We are all wonderfully awesome and we suck, such is the human condition and no one escapes it. So one day after God revealed to me alot of deep inner darkness I felt particularly sad and I turned to a familiar pray:

"Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I will fear no evil" my prayer was recited with a pretty weak voice full of self judgement. And God interrupted me, God Who is Love whispered to my heart. "fear no evil including the internal evil". Wow. Now let me clarify, I do not harbor fantasies of violence or hate no Hitler style evil here. My evil, much like yours, is the evil of judgement, haughtiness, the evil of greed and fear the evil we excuse as our character flaws. The part of myself I have labeled "Hungry girl"...that is my evil. But God made it clear I was not to fear "my evil". Here's what fearing my evil might look like:

Hungry Girl "You really deserve that ________, it's been a hard week"
Me : "My voracious appetite is going to take over and snuff out my light" (whimper) "I will never amount to anything, I will never get into handstand off the wall, I will never...I will never....I will never!" (stomps foot)

     All that internal fear triggered by one suggestion from my dark side and here is God saying to not fear any evil. Doesn't He know my potential for self destruction? Of course He does! And, still God whispers to not fear this part of myself. Much reflection and prayer brought me back to the idea of the triply braided cord. God says a triply braided cord is strong and who doesn't want the kind of strength God admires? I have come to believe that this triply braided cord refers to me alone and you alone. Humans are dark and light and divine not always in equal measure but those are the three components of man. So we work to shine our light, hide our dark and get closer to the divine, but it doesn't work to keep stuffing our darkness. So here's how it goes now, at least some of the time!

Hungry Girl "I really deserve that treat (whine)"
Me: (setting an intention of loving Hungry Girl) "well, let's pray about it" and I come home to my breath & stillness for a moment.

     I don't have to always say no to my desires but I don't automatically say "yes" without a moments connection to the divine element of me. Triply braided cord: dark, light, divine and fully human! So what if today instead of taking your dark side out for a beating or letting your ego control you, what if you stepped back and took a look at all sides of you with compassion? Shine a light in the corners of your soul. No matter how much you feed your light side your dark side will always exist and you cannot ignore it without damaging consequences. So what to do about it? Well, for you, I don't know  that is your journey. What is working for me is compassionately being with my dark side. Not so that Hungry Girl can take over and "turn me evil" , but it is with love that Hungry Girls sharp edges are softened and she becomes more of a team player. her voice grows softer and less demanding as I turn a loving eye towards her.

     So today I will not beat myself up and try to wrestle my ego, but instead I will remember that just like you I am good, I am bad and I am divine and when I put it all together and reject no part of myself I am doubly strong. When God tells us to love ourselves I do believe He means all parts of ourselves. May the Hungry Girl or Boy part of you find themselves nourished with a diet of compassion, hope and perseverance.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Yoga is ...

     "You cannot call yourself a yogi if you are not a vegan. Real yogis don't use props. Yoga is not calisthenics."  This is just a tiny sampling of the attempts I have heard from people to define yoga lately. Ego yearns to establish control of situations by labeling them. In Exodus Moses demands from God a little more information about who God is. Moses needed to be "in the know" and God simply answers "I am who I am". One of my favorite "names of God" is the Ineffable, which simply means the unknowable. In a lot of ways yoga to me is the ineffable activity. Of course, there are parameters of "what yoga is". Yoga is an 8 limbed system of body mind integration that usually but not always includes making shapes with your body, examining your mind and using breath intentionally to effect internal shifts. Usually but not always...

     So, to get down to it the word yoga really just means "to yoke" and in this instance the objects being yoked (or integrated) are an individuals mind and body.Sometimes, but not always, this mind body integration leads to spiritual awakening or deepening and sometimes this yoking leads to a tighter bum and stronger arms. Sometimes yoga may lead to weaker arms and a stronger mind. Maybe the yogi in $100 yoga pants performing sweaty calisthenics in a trendy downtown gym is meditating deeply on God in those pricey pants. The thing is "we don't know". We don't know the true nature of much, even ourselves.  My faith is a huge component of my life which I cannot imagine living without but I know it would be delusional to insist on labeling God and in the same vein I reject labeling yoga. Yoga is too big and generous to tie down with our tiny ideas.

     It took a sixteen hour road trip and a premature return to work to make me blurt out in front of a class "What the hell is yoga anyways?".  This outburst immediately followed by the thought "well, I am the yoga teacher and I am supposed to be teaching this very thing". Yikes. Who can teach how the wind blows, or how a soul awakens? Can we teach one another body/mind integration? I mean really? The thing is, I will admit I don't know. And that is OK. Because sometimes thinking we know something stymies our efforts to learn and grow. Buddhists call it beginners mind.  Beginners mind asks that we don't assume we know stuff but rather we sit with what is and observe without judgement and perhaps growth will occur.

     This need to label and control situations, of course, extends way beyond yoga and religion. We almost automatically do it with every person we ever meet. Glance at someone in the lane next to you going 70 miles and hour down the highway, your thoughts about them will offer a myriad of labels based on a glance. If they have a gun rack in a pick up truck the thought "redneck" may pop in your head, if they have an Obama sticker on a Lexus you will probably assume they are liberal. But the truth is you know nothing about that person save for the fact they can drive. We take a yoga class or two and soon need to label the activity rears its ugly head. But yoga is what you make it. If you need yoga to be a daily three hour chanting, meditating, whirling dervish activity it will be. If you need your yoga to be sweaty exercise it will be. But is the act of practicing your yoga quieting your mind and healing your body? Well, if you are busy labeling what yoga is and judging people who don't practice it like you then the quiet mind is not operating in that moment, is it?  So, what if we all quit pretending we know what yoga is and just allowed to it show us who we are instead? The next time you have a thought "yoga is...." recognize that this is your opinion and take a breath. Then the next time you assume you know something about God or about another person simply recognize you are assuming an opinion rather than recognizing a fact. To simply awaken to the idea that the great  majority of our thoughts are opinions not facts is to awaken to possibility. With the extreme divisiveness in our society at this moment wouldn't it be nice to lay down some of our labels and opinions and just recognize our fellow humans as just that fellow humans. It can begin on the yoga mat. Quit trying to label and control and set yourself free because the beginning of knowing is knowing you don't know.

 

Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions. Proverbs 18:12

You Are Awesome!

     A few years ago trying on jeans surrounded by women calling out their flaws from ill lit dressing rooms, calls of  "butt's too big!" and "oh,my god, my thighs!!" rang out as we all reinforced our mediocrity and lack. The calls continued until this moment when I tried on a pair that actually flattered my form and instead of calling out "perfect fit!!!" or " I look awesome!" I let the calls of self criticism ring out unchallenged by my joy. I actually considered for one moment calling out to my sister "damn my thighs look good in these jeans" but the discomfort at the idea caused the thought to die before it reached my lips. Perhaps I was vaguely afraid of upsetting the female camaraderie built on ill disguised self loathing I remained silent. I am sure I was not the only one. Every week when I ask my yoga classes for input before we begin I get a litany of wrongs. Quick to share what is limiting them whether an injury or a perceived limitation the students call out whats wrong, what needs fixing, what's not good enough. But never once has someone said something like " I noticed I am getting stronger in my __________, so lets keep working there" or "I am so proud I touched my __________ so can we practice that?" Now I know it important to protect an injury during yoga and probably many of the yogis calling out limitations have just fine self esteem. But why was it, I wonder, when I asked a class to meditate for 60 seconds on the phrase " I am awesome" did a palpable tension fall over my group of beautiful yoginis?

     This was not the first time I have meditated in this exact style with this same class. This particular meditation did not awkwardly interrupt a fun flow. I did not poke them in the eye as I asked them to consider their awesomeness. The only reason I can conclude that their uncharacteristic discomfort came up was the focus of the meditation: their own awesomeness. Every thought we think, every word we say weaves the crazy colorful tapestry of our identity. So, it is logical, is it not to use positive thoughts and words about ourselves? But why is it so hard? Perhaps we are afraid to stand apart from the dissatisfied masses, afraid to shine. Embracing our awesome light does not mean burying our darkness. This morning reading the blog of an amazing teacher I was surprised to discover that one of his biggest fears is his own capacity for cruelty, his dark side, and yet his teachings shine light on so many. Last night conversing with a student I discovered our shared fear of our own "dark sides" and yet we both continue to endevor to do good.  So here we are,  afraid to shine our light and afraid our dark sides will eat us up in the night, caught in the middle of dark and light where there is only gray. But, here's the thing: it is never too late to shine light and by accepting all the facets of ourselves dark and light, scary and awesome we become whole and healed. We cannot hide our dark or our light and expect to live holistically.

     Scripture calls us to not hide our light but to glorify God with that light. So what if the next time you noticed something awesome about yourself you shared your joy with someone? Not ironically and without negative qualifiers we share that joy and the light you shine brings enough light to the room for the people around you to see their light switches and tentatively take a step into their own light. Perhaps, we think shining our light diminishes others, but just the opposite, owning the fact that parts of you are dark and parts of you are light but all of you is awesome, well that just may encourage someone near to embrace their awesomeness. And when we embrace our wholeness we embrace the fact that we are Gods masterpiece and that is worthy of some awe. Our mechanical yet spiritual bodies, our monkey minds perhaps not yet tamed, our heroism and humor, our lusts and temptations all of the threads of us woven together with stitches of self love and humility, all this this makes for a beautiful and, yes, awesome tapestry. Not taking the overused word lightly, you are AWESOME! Worthy of awe, you are Gods masterpiece. Beautiful in your flaws. Perfect in your imperfection...take a chance today and allow your awesomeness to shine.

 

God helps us to accept the truth about ourselves no matter how beautiful.

It Depends

      Here's the thing that would make me crazy.Or should I say here's A thing that would make me crazy? So many opportunities to hop on the crazy train!! But I digress, so here's my story. I was in a yoga training a few years ago with a teacher I greatly admired in so many ways but who would answer a great deal of our questions with a confounding "it depends".  Now, I have been programmed with alot of "whys" and in a family and culture that values knowledge it can be an ego bender to admit " I don't know" and  "it depends" has a whiff of  the same dangerous vulnerability.  Also, like many people I like neat and tidy answers, resolved questions, and concrete certainty. "It depends" was not an answer that left me feeling warm and tingly but rather a little off kilter. At the very least weren't we paying for rock solid answers? Perhaps she not know the answers, I groped in the darkness for certainty to wrap around my shivering ego. Or perhaps she was just trying to make us think for ourselves? There had to be a reason this smart woman kept answering "it depends" Thoughts tumbled like agitated marbles upon hearing "it depends" so many often when I was craving a solid 2+2 =4.

     "It depends" was simply not an acceptable answer to me at the time. But  how quickly times do change! Fast forward to this morning and I am reviewing a lengthy email response  I wrote to a students question when I notice I really could just sum up my answer in two words: "It depends"! The thing is, I wasn't trying some teaching technique in the email,  the answer just really was "it depends". And although answering  "it depends" made the ground shake ever so slighly it was ok to not have a rock solid answer to stand on. I gave the same answer to a yoga student last week asking for definitive permanent alignment directions. Alignment can depend on the postural intention, the personal body structure which subtly changes pretty much continuously, the therapeutic needs, alignment can depend on the moment. So, once again "it depends" was the answer. Sometimes a definitive answer shuts down exploration while "it depends" can fan curiosities flames.

     The thing is, so many times when I have given an "authoritative" and definitive answer to someone about their yoga journey not long after other alternative answers have presented themselves. There are infinite ways to move and live and breath. When we clutch at the certainty and permanence of our beliefs we are stifling our growth. Just when we know we are right is when we often become wrong. So, "it depends", really is the very best answer in so many circumstances.  "It depends", says I am open to evolving circumstances. "it depends" says I may have some information, but I don't have all the information. "It depends" leaves spaciousness for change and growth. Your answer today may not work for you tomorrow. "It depends" allows us to surf the currents of life unencumbered with the certainty of our rightness massaging the ego. Buoyant with curiosity and humility ironically we are made stronger in embracing our vulnerability.

     Recently I choose to take a break in my pursuit of happiness to just be happy. Well, now I am taking a break in my relentless pursuit of answers to be present in the moment to let the answers unfold. To let knowledge whisper to my soul rather than allow certainty to crush the tender flower growing in my heart. The answers presenting themselves as I stop pretending I know all the options. The path to our best self is anchored by curiosity and humbleness. The more you think you know the less you know. The ironies of life bursting open with a sweet richness. Shedding the fear of not knowing and embracing the truth of "it depends" we open to the lessons of the moment. And ironically in perceived weakness there is found enduring strength.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness

2 Cor 12:9

The Secret Location of Inner Peace Revealed!

     I watched as look of disbelief tinged with disgust flickered across a students face. She had paid for a side of wisdom and peace with her yoga and, by God, I as the teacher had better say something profound and fast! I had just shared with the class something I meant from the bottom of my heart, that I wasn't offering them wisdom but rather offering a safe space and silence in which their own inner wisdom could begin to be revealed. Why was it so hard for this yogi to believe she had something wise and eternal inside her, so hard in fact that the mere suggestion made her jaw clench and her eyes narrow? Why are we so fixated on searching for answers from external sources when we all have a deep well inside of us just waiting to be explored. Inner wisdom is not found at the corner of Guru & Stretchy, but rather it is non cryptically described: INNER wisdom is inside. You. Yes, YOU.

     I have been teaching alot lately on the "greatest commandment " found in several of the gospels. It basically states that you can do nothing more important than loving God and loving your neighbor as you love yourself. I see so many, myself included at times, striving to love God and act lovingly towards our neighbors and entirely skipping over the important "love yourself" component. Loving yourself must include accepting that deep in our spirits peace and wisdom already reside.
 In a conversation about the greatest commandment, Jesus saw that one man really understood loving yourself and Jesus replied to him "You are not far from the kingdom of God". So why was this self loving man closer to Gods kingdom than the man standing right next to him? The man standing next to him was still looking for answers externally. To paraphrase Blaise Pascal , "every human has a God shaped hole inside of them". Every human, not just your minister, rabbi, yoga teacher, therapist or favorite country singer, but every human and that includes you. So this "god shaped hole" the seat of the what yogis call Inner Teacher and Christians call Holy Spirit is where we need to go to grow in faith and wisdom. This "God shaped hole" is partially the kingdom of God and opening up to this wisdom is opening to loving ourselves. It is sadly ironic how far and wide we search for our better selves when everything we need is right here right now. It is as if we traveled the globe searching for our shadow which silently trailed the whole time.
    
    So, why to we wander around so clueless so often? Because we do not allow time and space and silence for our inner wisdom to bloom. But rather we generally look to our minds for answers instead of our spirits. Our minds make wonderful servants but terrible masters and we need to stop letting them lead our lives. Remember your thoughts and emotions are only waves on the surface of the ocean that is you.  But let's not think of this as an "all or nothing" situation. As in I will never find inner peace because I can't go on a silent retreat, or take an hours yoga everyday or live at my church or commune with nature daily. No, stillness is cumulative and carving out a mere 5 minutes a day if done with consistency is enough to begin to reveal the wisdom concealed deep inside you. So perhaps today is the day you stop searching and start sitting. God planted a wonderful treasure inside you, but He planted it deep enough that we must cultivate silence and patience and self love to begin to catch a glimpse of this shiny gem. Somedays we sit and are rewarded with growth and some days we sit and it sucks and we don't like what we see at all. But day by day we sit and one day we realize the brightly shining light is emanating from us.

Be still and know...its a directive not just a sweet quote

Much Ado About Nothing

     This morning I have been thinking about "nothing". Literally, nothing, but not in that Zen "mind like a still lake" kind of nothing, but rather that nothing that Christians sometimes refer to as the "dark night of the soul". The nothing that is the silence of the Divine. The nothing that comes about when your "mountain top" God experiences seem like a dim misty memory. The nothing that comes about when you have not had an "aha" moment or a word from God in what seems like an eternity. Yesterday, I came to Quiet to teach my early evening class and...nothing. Not one student, not one clue from God why, not one hint of direction. Just deafening silence. This has happened  in growing this new business. Thankfully, God has blessed me greatly with a sense of His spirit and I believe myself to be on the path He has for me. However, when I am walking the direction Christ has for me, in the past, I have always felt as if covered with a blanket of holy peace. People would ask me why I thought I knew God's will for my life and I would comfortably refer to the "peace that surpasses understanding" that one may encounter in the Presence of God. But what happens when that peace turns to silence that offers no clues? What about when your prayers seem to drop into a bottomless well with no answer forthcoming?

     I read voraciously and from all different faith traditions, so I cannot properly acknowledge the source of my current comfort,  a quote that states something like  "You are the ocean and your thoughts and emotions are merely waves on the surface." Could it be that all of those "mountain top" encounters with God that swelled my heart in my early spiritual life were merely waves. All of those moments where reverence was so thick it pushed me to my knees, tears of gratitude, sobs of joy: all nothing more than surface waves? Is this nothingness, this silence without end, this vast internal ocean,  is this the Truth? In my early spiritual life God indulged me like a little spoiled child. How many times did God display grand rainbows at the exact moment I needed or orchestrate divine "coincidences" before I would stop looking for His hand of reward and start searching for His heart of eternal vastness? Too many to count! But now, for weeks, I have had no clever statuses to update, no blogs divinely inspired, no yoga practices where the Holy Spirit whispered lovingly into my thirsty soul. Nothing but a silence so thick as to be palpable.

       As God grows my fledgling yoga studio, I have struggled with what to do with the classes where no one comes, the classes of "nothing". I have been gifted time and I intend to honor God with it, but how? Do I practice my own yoga, or is that a diversion? Do I go market and network, or is that desperation? Do I thank God for His perfect plan in an empty class, or does that send some kind of message that I am uninterested in growth?  Do I pray that God fills my classes, or is this repetitive prayer like an annoying ungrateful gnat buzzing the ear of the Divine?  To you, the observer, the lesson in patience may be obvious, the call to rest a no brainer. But to me, the student, I still cast about looking for answers. Thankfully I have a solid 22 years of spiritual pursuit and God has proven that He will never leave and never forsake me. I remember that everything that God does is intended for my good and I sit with nothing. And that nothing feels as if I am adrift on an endless sea of silence, but then I remember what I think and feel are just waves on the surface and I dive down deeper into nothing. Maybe when Peggy Lee sang "Is that all there is?" She was on to something. What if nothing is what there is? What if nothing is enough? What if sitting in the silence and letting it wash over you and not looking for a "sign" is the plan? We are so stimulated now that a blue computer screen or a power outage can feel like a death sentence. But what if nothing is the plan for today? Just to sit on the wire like the trusting sparrow letting nothing be everything. I find comfort sitting in silence with my husband. I don't ask him every few moments to light up the sky in an avowal of love. So perhaps it is time to let God's "nothing" be my everything to sit quietly with the silence knowing God is love and not asking for more. It is a childish faith that needs continual reassurance and petting. Deciding to follow Gods direction was me getting into a boat safely moored. Deciding to follow God when His directions are a mystery shrouded in nothing is like untying that boat and casting off into a vast sea.  But as my eyes slowly adjust to the dim mist I see that nothing truly is everything. And for the moment I sit quietly, completely empty and yet completely full.

"We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust” Rumi writes so beautifully

dare I add... returning to nothingness in a twinkle is our fate. Savoring a moment of nothingness in between is our gift.